Back home - but for how long?

[~ kd ~]

It's confirmed my W has been lying all this time and I'm not paranoid - got to say that helps me.

Yes Peter, I too was better aware "knowing" the A is going on. Although I will tell you that myself and other LBS eventually come to a place of "but HOW involved..." This A that your W is having appears to be off and on, so you may begin to question if it's really as tight as you currently think it is... lots of stuff goes on in our minds about this, over time...

D will be very hard emotionally and financially on all of us (me in particular as I will be away from my girls and I don't have family support in the States). Her parents will support her from a financial perspective.

I thought the same about my W's family. And while it may be true (of course it's true), what I've found is my W IS NOT looking for financial support from her family. For a number of reasons I'm sure, including if my W went to her family, it would conflict with lies she's told them... ie. I understand she may have already told them that she was fine financially and she had already paid me out, financially... she'd have to admit she'd lied...

Look to what Accuray said about how the mind become addicted to an A. It's not just an A, it's any "in love" R that we become involved in. And I will admit that in the early stages of my R with my W, I too was addicted and "overlooked" her "flaws". I don't regret it, but from where I sit now, if it wasn't for my girls, I wouldn't have stayed in an R with her, nor M'd her.

But without that "in love" addiction, I can now think rationally and know I CHOOSE to accept my W's flaws in a positive way, rather than a negative.

By not confronting on the A - I am showing her I am weak, she is having the best of both worlds, financial support from me so she can be a SAHM and having sex with someone else.

I completely understand what you are saying and how you feel.

I confronted and it didn't help. Sure, I thought it might, but it didn't go well and rationally, it DID drive a deeper wedge between myself and someone I deeply love. Not something I'll do again, in this R or any future R I might have. I'd rather "work through the problem" now...

What I have done and is strongly recommended in DB is to separate yourself from your W. Financially, emotionally, and if necessary (for your own well being), physically...

By separating yourself in these ways, THAT is how you SHOW your strength. Words... they won't be heard by her... ACTIONS are what she will eventually understand... and SHE WILL KNOW why you've done that, everyone will know... it's not passive/aggressive... it's boundaries...

I can't get over how this is not my W - she is not this person but she's chosen this path to destruction.

I'm sure it's not who your W is... in the same way that my W's "stuff" is not her, either... my W has "issues" without a doubt, as we all do... but I'd submit that MOST (normal) people would not behave in these ways... but these aren't "normal" times for us...

I have no doubt you will make a good choice. And you will have more time to take care of yourself and build yourself up before any finalization occurs...