Back home - but for how long?

[Accuray]

NYCPeter,

That s*cks. You are entitled feel very angry, disappointed, and sad right now, it's the worst feeling in the world, and it will be very hard on you for the next few weeks. Your W let you down and disrespected her wedding vows.

The silver lining is that the lack of progress was not about you -- there's nothing you could have done. You've put in a huge effort and made great personal sacrifices for your family, you should feel good about what you've done here.

Your wife's relationship with Carlos was based on a fantasy. Affair participants feel "in love" -- this chemically alters their brains and makes them incapable of seeing their affair partner's flaws. They put them on a pedestal. The other thing the chemical reaction does is lower their ability to make rational decisions. I read one book that said it's evolutionary -- we construct defenses to keep other people out and to make good rational choices. Those defenses can get so good that people would never procreate -- so the "in love" feeling tears down that wall a bit and diminishes our ability to critically evaluate what we're doing.

The affair chemical release is also addictive, just like a drug. They get "hooked" on it and can't put it down.

You now understand your wife's behavior a little better. She's definitely been tortured by what she's been doing, which has made her run hot and cold. The only way to feel good about having an affair is to convince herself that "you drove her to it" so you must be the bad guy. This has nothing to do with what you've done. She realizes that she's doing something she shouldn't, but it feels really good in many ways, so she needs to construct a rationalization to make it ok. The easiest way to do that is to decide that our spouse is bad.

When you don't act bad, that makes it even harder on her to keep up her rationalization. That's why when you beg/plead/pursue/criticize you play into their hands and make them walk away further. If you give space and be pleasant and supportive, they're less able to convince themselves that you are the source of their problems.

Know that it is predictable that the "in love" feeling will wear off. That can last from weeks to months, but never longer than 2 years in extreme situations. At that point, the novelty wears off, the partner's cute idiosyncrasies turn into major annoyances, and one or the other will walk away. That WILL happen.

You now have some choices of your own to make. Previously you had told me that you would want to reconcile even if there had been an affair. You may not feel that way *right now*, but if you could get back there, you need to be sure you don't fly off the handle. Affair confrontation is difficult, and you don't want to drive the wedge deeper if what you really want is eventual reconciliation.

I STRONGLY recommend talking to a DB coach on this site before you say anything to your W. They are simply better equipped to help you right now than an IC. They will also help you deal with how you're feeling and answer some of your "why" questions.
I worked with Cheryl and she was great.

If you do want to confront, you need to normalize, not blame, and view it as a shared marriage problem instead of something "she did to you", otherwise there will be no discussion, just a shouting match or a quick exit with a door slam. Don't expect an apology right now, don't expect to see remorse. You are entitled to both, but you won't get them.

--Accuray