Back home - but for how long?

[Accuray]

NYCPeter,

I understand what you're going through. Always remember that your imagination will fill in the worst interpretation of events.

What are you thinking of doing next?

You say that if there is a PA or an EA, you want to bring closure to it. You know that you cannot bring closure to it right? Only your W or OM could do that. You getting angry and demanding closure, or trying to explain why closure is necessary will get you no where.

WRT your W, you previously had made ultimatums that if there was OM, then the M was over. You don't feel that way now, but your W still assumes that you do. The "rule" you established was that OM would not be forgiven.

Is there any way to reset that rule now without tipping your hand? I don't know. It would have been easier when you truly didn't know anything. What do you think?

If you could magically transmit a message into your W's brain that she would believe as fact about this situation (potential OM) what would it be?

Reading your post above, you are obsessing about the FB message you found (and I can understand why, I did the same thing, only I found probably a hundred messages, most of it snippets of IM dialog pasted into e-mail to share with her GF). One thing I read was my W saying to OM: "On your birthday, you asked for what you wanted, and you got it, you deserve it!"

Naturally I right away assumed the worst, but it turns out that the office manager had bought OM a chocolate cake for their office party. That's what I mean about your imagination filling in the worst and only looking at part of a conversation.

It sounds to me that you feel you *need* to:
-- understand what the FB dialog was about
-- have contact with OM ended if it's inappropriate
-- understand what has gone on

This need is causing anxiety and obsessive behavior that will blow up on you. You will either snoop more and get caught, or you will confront W when you're not in a good state of mind -- you've done this in the past.

Start thinking through how you can get yourself back to a good place. What can you do to not obsess over the things above? Can you reasonably detatch and stop thinking about it?

If the answer is "no", then what's your plan? The point is, think it through and plan, don't let it pop out by mistake because you can't take it anymore and you happen to be in a bad place in the moment.

If you're going to have "the talk" with W, and you don't see any way around it, I would suggest writing several drafts of it first to make sure you get the points across you want to make (I can forgive, I want this to go forward, etc.)

--Accuray

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for the responses...

"What are you thinking of doing next"

I have no real plan - continue DBing, continue being the best father and husband I can. If a more definitive event occurs i.e. receiving papers or a clear revealing of an A then I'd need to reconsider next steps.

"Is there any way to reset that rule now without tipping your hand? I don't know. It would have been easier when you truly didn't know anything. What do you think?"

Not sure what I can say to reset the rule - I am trying to avoid any R talk and this takes us down that path.

"If you could magically transmit a message into your W's brain that she would believe as fact about this situation (potential OM) what would it be?"

That I don't blame her for anything, but it would need to stop if we were to have any chance of reconciliation. BUT right now every indicator shows she does not want reconciliation.

"What can you do to not obsess over the things above? Can you reasonably detatch and stop thinking about it?"

I think a good idea I received was - Think of myself as divorced and behave that way. Why would it matter if we were D.

I think the only way I would have the talk is if this was clearly revealed as an A.

2thepoint shed a different angle on the convo - and while it may be wishful thinking on my part I like that version better - I can certainly see it as a possibility.

She definitely has got colder over the last few weeks and that may be due to a rekindling of an affair or as W has put it when we got close in the past "I don't want to give you false hope".

[NYCPeter]

Journaling....

Had a good W/E with GAL activities.
Took the girls to the circus yesterday, had a great time with the exception of driving home in a snow storm. W didn't join us as she would have been late for work, her loss - personally I would have told them I'll be in 30 mins later than normal. The rest of Sat was spent with the girls playing Wii and getting them dinner and to bed.

W got home at 12:45 - guess there was no partying in the snow storm, I was up watching a movie and she went straight to bed.

Got up this morning - took the girls horseback riding - there was a late start as the barn had lost electricity. Got home at lunchtime - W wasn't out of the PJ's and seemed very moody. Ate lunch and took D9 out in her walker (her favorite activity), got back and W still seemed moody in her PJs.

Took both girls grocery shopping (D6 wrote the list) - W decided she would cook dinner (I volunteered hence the grocery shopping). She seems in a funk all day - her loss, I've had a great weekend with my girls and she decided not to join any of the activities.

[2thepoint]

Good for you! You can't let your W's moodiness get in your way of GAL. And it looks like you are succeeding! And the kids are truly benefiting from your attention!

Bravo my friend, Bravo!

[NYCPeter]

W's mood improved last night.
Her father and step-mother came over for dinner, if they know what's going on they haven't let on.

We ended up watvhing Bridesmaids together after putting the girls to bed (pretty funny movie).

Small backslide - I did say in a joking way to my W when we were in bed that I was "horny - did she fancy ML", she laughed and said "We both know that's not happening".

Oh well - can't blame a guy for trying....

[workinghardguy]

Nice try Peter No, you can't blame a guy...

But on that topic, what worked for me (though every sitch is different) is first W and I had a discussion about sex, and we didn't do it while lying in bed. Just an honest, frank discussion.

I will admit I used humor to ease into the discussion, but I didn't make it about ML or connection. Just about adults with needs and meeting those. That allowed my W to respond without feeling threatened. It gave her time to consider her answers. It also allowed us to set ground rules so she could be comfortable. The biggest ground rule being that us ML doesn't mean anything and I shouldn't read anything into it.

And so I don't. I take it for what it is. We have fun and enjoy it. Though, and I don't tell her this, despite her words I do know there are biochemical forces at play that you can't just wish away. I'm not banking on those making the difference, but every little bit helps a guy.

And as far as the first time I broached the topic I did it from the "as-if" mentality. It had been six weeks since we last ML (pre-bomb) and thought what's the worse? She says no and then that's where we are. Same with last night when I told her I'd like to have sex. I approached it "as-if". And it worked.

Not exactly going to call it a healthy sex life (twice in two and a half weeks) but it's a heck of a lot healthier than it was!

[NYCPeter]

Yes - but it's been nearly 6 months without ML for me.

It's during the light-hearted moments that I wonder why we are in this sitch and know it can turn around.

I've been at home all day so I can help out with the "trick or treating" and as schools were closed due to the storm. W is back to being cold and distant - disapeared for most of the day, very little chat. It's her usual behavior when she is going out for a drink with her friends - I'm waiting for her to say so after the girls are in bed.

In the back of my mind is my W saying it's done and there is no chance of resurrecting the M. I keep asking myself why hasn't she filed. I know she's seen a L - I know she's talked to folks about financing the house. I'm not going to suggest she does but what is holding her back?

I know I should focus on me and the girls and let her go down the path she has chosen, but this is so destructive I feel I need to do something about it.

[2thepoint]

In the back of my mind is my W saying it's done and there is no chance of resurrecting the M. I keep asking myself why hasn't she filed. I know she's seen a L - I know she's talked to folks about financing the house. I'm not going to suggest she does but what is holding her back?

I know I should focus on me and the girls and let her go down the path she has chosen, but this is so destructive I feel I need to do something about it.

So many of us can totally relate to what you are saying. It would seem to me that her hesitancy in filing may be a good thing... or not. God only knows. But if you continue to focus on those things that make you a better person and father and if your W begins to find that attractive again, well then...

If she is going to come back to the R, it is unfortunately going to be of her time and choosing. So keep up what you are doing and try not to let your negative thoughts get the best of you. It is that same advice that I need to follow as well, So I'm right there with you!

[NYCPeter]

Well affair has been confirmed - W has been seeing Carlos on and off for the last 9 months, they have periods when they don't see each other and then get together.

Info was told to me by W's friend who felt I "ought to know" - she wouldn't answer any more questions about it.

I'm sick of the lies - I'm sick of the "It's my fault", I'm done. You want to sacrifice your M and your children's future for someone nicknamed C-Dawg, really!

I feel I need to confront my W and tell her I know - the "I am not having an A" BS that she's come out with. She wants to move forward with the D - lets do it, don't treat me like a piece of #$%%

[~ kd ~]

Hey Peter, it does suk to have it confirmed but it's something I'm sure you already figured was truth(like) to some extent.

I know dbmod had cautioned the board about heavy use of 2x4s and while it's great to get sympathy, most of us come here not to get a dry shoulder, but rather to come here and DB "to save our M".

So the usual question of why did you "let" this friend tell you something you already had strong suspicions about? How has that helped you?

Second, and at your stage in the game, it should be easier now to take that time to think through your thoughts and work through your emptions before you take another step.

The rule of thumb is between 24 and 48 hours after something that creates a negative reaction before we ACT on that information or behaviour.

You may decide to move forward with D or you may change your mind, but rather than emotionally flip flopping (which won't seem like flip flop right now) for the next few days... take some time for yourself and do try to get your mind off it for a bit...

Once the emotions have settled, it will be easier to make any course correction if necessary...