A Bklyn tale

[BklynMom]

Yes I am full blooded Nu Yawker. And shouting at people has been the only way I have learned to communicate from family to school to work. My h is not from ny so yes there is a "cultural" difference in our style.

Listening is #1 my 180. I have been talking about it with my IC and practicing when I am hanging with my mother Dealing with my mother has been great practice for many of my changes and my mom has been impressed with my progress.WooHoo!

Today was so wacky. I bumped into a male mutual friend of me & H. This Friend offered me a lot of support when our sitch first when down but recently has just disappeared. I knew he hung with my H a couple of times before H left for Atlanta. This friend gave me a big hug. He also confirmed for me how much my husband is drinking - which is A LOT! and he said H is not with the suspected OW. This does not eliminate the possiblitity of OW but it does continue to reduce the odds.

I know a popular question here is: How would an OW change how you feel? Well if H were telling someone else ILY - I would not file for D but I would be completely detached. It would be a whole different ball game. H told me this was all my fault but if he is ILW OW then this something else then what he claimed and it has very little to do with me.

I am looking for some advice regarding the Holidays. On Thanksgiving I am going to take my girls to a big Thanksgiving with a ton of extended family. I do not plan on telling my extended family about my sitch. I will say H got stuck in Atlanta. H knows that I will be going to this large Thanksgiving and I think he will think the road home is rocky if this extended family knows our sitch. However I have to act as if I fully believe we are divorcing so why wouldnt I tell them. Should I tell H I am not telling extended family or just leave it and let him wonder?

I have been dim for almost 2 months and am now starting to see tiny tiny itsy bitsy signs of warming up (sitting on our bed) and still no D papers (which he has threatened) Is there anything I can do warm him up that would not be viewed as pursuing. If I am too cold and distance my h will not come back to me, I rejected his love & affection in our relationship and that is a big issue. For instance, One of the DB rules where you always get off the phone first, backfired on me with my H. He was very annoyed when I tried that and saw it as not listening.

So much more fun to be active on this board rather than just lurking but for a while I couldnt even talk or write about sitch it was too too painful. Thks for listening

[2thepoint]

I know a popular question here is: How would an OW change how you feel? Well if H were telling someone else ILY - I would not file for D but I would be completely detached. It would be a whole different ball game. H told me this was all my fault but if he is ILW OW then this something else then what he claimed and it has very little to do with me.

Now wait a minute BM. I know you know this is not true. Sure, if he is having an A, he has some explaining to do. But, don't for a second think that you had no roll in this. We've discussed what has been absent or present in your marriage that may have been a contributing factor. So regardless of whether or not there is OW, you must still own up to your part in this and continue working on you. I know you know this. I just had to say it. :o)

H knows that I will be going to this large Thanksgiving and I think he will think the road home is rocky if this extended family knows our sitch. However I have to act as if I fully believe we are divorcing so why wouldnt I tell them. Should I tell H I am not telling extended family or just leave it and let him wonder?

It has been said before. Keep the road home smooth and paved. If your H is already concerned about a rocky road ahead if you decide to R. Why then would you also want to add potholes? The fewer people who know the details of your sitch, the less the separation gets set in stone and the easier it is for your husband to come back.

See, I need people to talk to about my sitch but the more I tell, the harder it is going to be for my W to come back. So I keep my mouth shut as much as possible because I want to make it as easy as possible for her to decide she wants to save our marriage. If she thinks she has been disparaged (justifiably or not) it will be a much harder pill for her to swallow if R is in the cards. See what I'm saying?

[realormakebeliev]

^^^^^^This!!!!!

Well said, 2tp. This is painfully true in my sitch. H told me my mom was part of the problem and it is definitely a roadblock to a R.

Its a double-edged sword with telling people- you need the support, but on the other hand it makes things uncomfortable when you put all of the players in the same room again. For me, it was something of a relief to get it off my chest and feel like I wasn't 'hiding' something. But it also created a different dynamic with H and I, and in some ways pressed the issue.

I would think long and hard before getting anyone else involved.

[BklynMom]

ROMB & 2tp thanks for the feedback but I think my question was not clear. Basically I am not going to tell me extended family anything. However if I tell my husband I am not telling he will think I am not accepting that we are getting a divorce. Whenever he thinks I have hope he gets pissed off and calls a lawyer. If I say nothing to my H but say I am going to this big family Thanksgiving he will assume my extended family knows and the road will be bumpy.

So how do I let my H know I am not telling without him thinking I am hopeful?

[adinva]

If you have a compelling reason not to tell them anything - other than being hopeful - mention that to him. For example, tell him you're planning to spend this time enjoying the holidays so you're not going to be informing any of your extended family. Just thought you would want to know we're not going to be discussing you.

Something like that?

[2thepoint]

Frankly what you choose to disclose to your extended family is your business. I wouldn't offer up any information to your H regarding this. But if he asks specifically about this, I would be very short on specifics. Just say something like, I'm not going to bring it up unless asked and if asked will only share basic information. This sitch is between you and I.

Try to be a little mysterious about this. It'll cause him to think long and hard about you two.

[BklynMom]

Thanks for the ideas 2t & adinva. I am definitely going to wait to say anything as its still a couple of weeks away. If I do it will be something like my mother asked that I not mention our sitch to the extended family until after the holidays.

I have still been thinking about the big kid bed and my current thought is to say "D3 has been asking about getting a big girl and I was wondering if you would you like buy one with us. I dont want to exclude you from her big day"

I wanted to journal about the POW. Just wanted to get it off my chest the "evidence" for and against.

My h has been working closely with this POW for 2 yrs. He and his boss were grooming this woman to be promoted and part of their "team" So I have heard a lot about her the past couple of years and nothing he has mentioned made her seem like she was threating. She sent a gift when my 2nd D was born which was nice.

Evidence For
1. 2 weeks after ILYBNILWY, my H went to a baseball game with work people (granted I thought this was odd cause he jut spent 80/hr working with this people & he is not into the team or sport but okay). Apparently several of the work crew were planning on meeting in Grand Central before the game and getting a drink & going together to the stadium. My H tells this and says "but only POW showed up & we didnt plan it that way"

2. A few weeks later my H asked that I bring the girls to his job to say hi and I see POW - she acted weird to me.

3. H & I go to a wedding in late June in a romantic locale. (Foolishly I believed this would be the weekend we "makeup") My H gets hammered and we are the bar he tells me he is sending POW a picture/text of a huge shot of tequilla - "She will think its so funny."

4.While living at home still h has over the top need to be attached to the cell phone

5. He takes d3 & d1 to outdoor concert with her and another male friend in July

6. Takes d3/d1 apple picking with her 3 weeks ago

Evidence Against

1. He has been out of the house 4 months and has taken no legal action besides apparently hiring a lawyer

2. I asked once if there was another woman he said no, therapist asked once and he said no

3. He would not be seeing this woman often because he is in Atlanta and I know she is not there. since Sept there are only 2 0r 3 possible nights he could have spent with her

4. Mutual male friend says its not happening

5. I personally dont think she is sexy (She is cute) and not really his type

OKay thanks for letting me get that all out there. I know I cant control whether he is in a relationship or not. I do know that if he is telling her ILY there is not room for me in his life & I will move on accordingly.

H coming to NY this weekend which is odd - 2 wks in a row. Tomorrow I will figure out what I am going to wear. Definitely a work out outfit he liked the last one I wore. Sometimes I feel excited to see him and that usually changes to scared within a few minutes cause what if I mess up.

H hasnt called since Monday when D3 asked him why he didnt have a picture phone (which he has but doesnt call on)

Another wonderful day with my girls. I have so much to be grateful for

[2thepoint]

OK, lets stipulate that there is OW with whom your H is having an EA/A with. So what? I don't say that to be flip, but really, what can you do about that in the context of DB? Not much really.

My W is most certainly having a long distance EA and quite possibly a PA. It is what I believe is driving her current behavior and desire for me to be out of the picture. I've known about this for almost 2 months now. I mentioned it once early on and never again.

See, I can't "make her stop". She has to stop her self or the EA/A has to run its course for my W to finally see things for what they are.

Just like we say with DB, you can't make your spouse not separate or D. Your spouse will make that decision in the time and place of their choosing.

So, all you can do is continue working on you. Save the energy you might otherwise spend on uncovering an EA/A and use that energy to make yourself a better version of the old you. Then watch for signs that your H is coming out of the fog. It will take a very long time. If you have the stamina, it may prove to be worth the wait. If not, then you have other choices.

I think you have the stamina!

[BklynMom]

Forgiveness
This is the theme of my night. I wonder if I can forgive him. I know my H has forgiven me in the past and will need to forgive me in the future but I need to forgive him. Can I do that? We have 2 perfect daughters that miss their Daddy. We need him in our home. I need a husband. We miss him. This is really hard.

Tonight I was feeling lonely and having nice memories of H & I but those memories turn quickly to sadness and anger. I know that seeing him tomorrow makes me anxious and nervous so all these emotions come up. I hope I can feel & work through my sadness tonight so tomorrow when I see him I can feel love in my heart.

[BklynMom]

I was so nervous to see my H this afternoon - afraid I would blow it. But it actually went perfectly. He meet us at the playground to p/u our 2d and when he got there the girls were tackling and tickling me it was a very sweet moment. How could he not like that? He brought me a coffee (wow) then did a cheers with me. It was sweet. A few months ago if he did a cheers with me i would have said "Why the -- are you cheersing me when you want to divorce me!! This does not make sense..." Anyway not doing that kind of stuff today.

We pushed the girls on the swings together for a few minutes and chit chatted about his job. I was in my running clothes (which he always likes) he asked me about my running. It was a nice exchange and definitely warmer.

The little evil voice in my head says. This is what he wants, you guys are best friends and divorced look how great this can be. I try to tell the little evil voice to shut up!

It was amazing I always have such negative feeling building up inside before I see him. Prob. cause I am hurt and afraid of being hurt again. But when I see him I love him and want him back and miss him.

Thks for this board. Off the gal the night away!