What do I do next?

[luvhurts49]

This is gonna be a little bit off the current top of this thread, but I starting thinking about some things overnight and it really has me wondering what the thought process is for some of the other people on this board are.

Since the day my W first moved out (same day as bomb), in the back of my head, I've always thought that she would eventually realize her mistake and would come back. Even to this day, after getting served my D papers, getting a lawyer, and our relative lack of communication since, I still believe that she will come back--that she will wake up one day and decide that this is all a big mistake.

I know that our D is looming and I'm sure that it will be messy and I have halfway convinced myself that she isn't coming back, but still in the back of my head, I still believe that she will just wake up and come back.

Am I the only one that feels this way or have these types of thoughts or is this normal? I could really use some insight and/or perspective from you guys/girls.

[Accuray]

Check out NYCPeter's thread too, he just did a little snooping, found a little ambiguous information, and you can read about what it did to his state of mind.

Accuray

[Accuray]

WRT your question above, my W had me convinced 100% that she was not coming back. I would have LOVED the movie ending where she comes crawling back with tears in her eyes begging me to take her back, but that's not how it works in real life unfortunately. Once people make a difficult and extremely emotional decision, they will do whatever they can to reinforce the choice they've made and get comfortable with it. They don't want to second guess and flip-flop, because that just brings more pain and torment. They go through that BEFORE they drop the bomb. Your W was retreating and coming back to you and going through those mental gymnastics before she told you she was leaving.

There is of course some of that afterwards as well, and they do harbor doubts about their decision, but their frame of mind is to make peace with it and move on. That's one of the many reasons DB is hard, it'd digging out of a hole in many ways.

[LITB]

I know that our D is looming and I'm sure that it will be messy and I have halfway convinced myself that she isn't coming back, but still in the back of my head, I still believe that she will just wake up and come back.

Am I the only one that feels this way or have these types of thoughts or is this normal? I could really use some insight and/or perspective from you guys/girls.

LH49,

No, you are not the only that feels that way. I'd venture to guess that most of us feel that way, otherwise we wouldn't be on these forums.

I'm going on a year since the bomb and I still go back and forth on these thoughts. At this point though, I'm not even sure I would want my W back. She has a lot of work to catch up.

Unfortunately we have to move forward as the D will go through and focus on improving ourselves. At the end of the day, that's all we have control over.

[Grace_O]

LH,

You haven't been caught up in this for a long period of time, so that you have these thoughts is normal. Our minds allow us to cope with all of this in different time frames. It protects us and allows us to deal with things when we are able. Some never give up hope. That doesn't mean they don't detach and move forward with their own lives though.

That you believe she will come back, gives you hope. Hope is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean you get to kick back and wait though. It just makes the road you're traveling on more pleasant. As to the final destination, that remains to be seen.

Look forward and take the actions you need to take to be the best expression of you. Regardless of how it all turns out in the end, if you work on you and take the high road, there won't be many (if any) regrets.

HUGS

[luvhurts49]

I know I still need to learn how to detach more and I really need to stay on track with DBing and GAL, but it's hard sometimes because I get depressed when I don't have my kids and I start to think about my W. Lack of money and only a small number of friends also doesn't help when it comes to GAL either.

Having that hope that my W will come back is probably becoming a hindrance more than it is helping me cope at this point, but I still can't let go of that hope. Maybe I keep that hope more for my kids than myself, I don't know, but I know that my oldest sees that hope in me and it makes him happy that I'm not giving up although he sees his mom giving up on our M. Maybe I'm just scared that by losing that hope, I will lose any thoughts of her and I would be losing that hope for my kids too.

[Accuray]

I find it hard to believe that hope or faith are bad things in any circumstance. When I did not believe my W had any chance of coming back it made me feel very desperate and alone. I would hold onto that hope if you can. If nothing else, it will motivate you to DB

--Accuray

[Grace_O]

LH,

I understand the finance thing. What I've done is to (minimally) get out and go for a walk/hike. I take my dog and we just cruise.

There are sites (like meetup) that let you meet people with similar interests. I'm fairly close to a city that has lots and even in my town there is more than you would think. You can start your won "group" too. Given the economy, I would think cooking, game, reading groups would find takers. Actually, I think anytime is good.

If you don't want to meet at someones home, there are other options.

I can understand how it would make your kids happy that you aren't giving up. I would limit what I say about it though.

If nothing else, you will know that you looked under every bush and turned over every rock. As far as you letting go of the hope...you will if and when it's time.

HUGS

[luvhurts49]

I get where you're getting at Grace, but I'm not that "outgoing guy". I realize that by being "that guy" would be a 180, I find that I would rather just do things around the house (while I still have it) like organizing, cleaning, packing things away, get rid of stuff, etc because it's gonna have to be done eventually anyway--I don't see a way of being able to keep the house by myself (especially if CS comes into play).

Now I would like to have some friends come over, but of the friends I do have, some have families of their own, one works all the time, another doesn't do anything, another is broke beyond broke, and yet another is just about worthless (yet still a friend). On top of that, most of my friends got D earlier in life and are still reeling with their own kids, CS, money issues, and the like.

I'm looking for hope, happiness, and excitement, but when I see my friends, I just don't see a lot of that--just the opposite.

[Accuray]

Get a bicycle and start riding. It will help you relieve stress, get you outside, get you in shape, etc. Once you get to like it, you can join a riding group or use that as another lever to meet people. I realize it's getting cold out but they have good cold weather riding clothes and Illinois is flat (great for biking), plus you can pick up a decent road bike cheap in Craigslist and looking for one is another thing to do with yourself.

--Accuray