What do I do next?

[Accuray]

I agree with Telemark on the relative pain of knowing versus not knowing, but you do have to decide for yourself. In terms of another warning, I felt I "had to know". Now, I wish I had a "Men in Black" mind-eraser light to look into, because despite the fact that we are piecing and reconciling, that knowledge is a horrible burden to take forward in the relationship.

The other thing is that once I knew a little, I felt compelled to know everything. Often the little bits that you find will only give you a small part of the picture, and your imagination will attach the worst possible meanings to anything to read. Don't underestimate how badly a little bit of knowledge will make you feel.

Because I wanted to know everything, I dug into everything, then felt compelled to spy on my W's communications and I was good at it too -- this was not good. Eventually I realized it wasn't doing any good and was just making me feel worse so I stopped. I guess the point is, know yourself. Will you be able to stop with a little bit of information, or will that just make you want more? How obsessed will you get about it and what will that do to your peace of mind?

Generally you're setting out on this path trying to improve your mental state with the new knowledge, but it will often have the opposite effect and make things far worse.

With regard to your comments, knowing there is OM shouldn't change anything you're *doing* if you're doing DB right. It would just change how you feel about it. If knowing about OM would change what you're doing, then you're not really working on you, you're trying to run a program to get W back. W will see through that, and if you do reconcile, it will be very difficult for you to keep it up because your goal has been accomplished. It must be about you.

The difference in knowing about OM or not is expectations -- if OM is involved your expectation should be to stabilize things and not push W farther away. If OM is not involved, your expectation is probably to see W move closer little by little. Regardless, however, the things that you do right now don't change.

-- Accuray