Antonia, please do not be so hard on yourself. you are dealing with awful, life changing heart wrenching stuff here.
We all put off opening certain closets, both in physical and emotional terms. And your crisis is pushing you forward.
I sold both of our homes - the first one 9 months post bomb, and the second [small apartment] which I owned, about two and a half years post bomb. It was a good thing to do, for me, although my xh didn't want me to sell the second home, although he pushed for selling the first [which I loved]
it helped me move on, I think. Even though it was hard going through stuff, it meant it had to be looked at [although a few boxes I put away for 'later'].
I am not sure whether your life was 'on hold' as much as an inexorable moving forward slowly at first , like a great river gaining momentum. There is a lot of talk here about taking control of our thoughts, which I agree with, but our emotions are much more sly, and whatever we think, we do not necessarily feel. We may come to feel it, but we can't force the emotions. Act in certain ways and they will follow though.
You did an amazing act of grace towards your xh.
The loss of hope is hard. It is the one thing that those who have reconciled do not quite understand, I think. We may think we have given up hope, and expectation, and act as if and so on. But hope lingers for a long long time for many of us.
