I am full of anxiety. I suddenly am asking myself: Is he ready? I know I am, but what happens if my H is not?
He says that his feelings for OW has waned. But he still talk to her. He says its just friendly talk.
He says he wants to stay in the M. But in our last talk, just 2 days ago, he definitely told me that for him, trying to be friends is still a lot of effort. He feels that I push it by demanding we communicate, just like I demanded for him to be affectionate earlier in our M (I just asked if we could set aside a half hour 2x a week to connect). I just read today that after retrouvaille, dialogue is needed. How will H take that?
I need prayers that somehow, he will be changed, his eyes will be opened by this weekend.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
When it comes to this, do you have expectations? Have you read many of the other threads? One thing that comes across is something YellowBrickRoad mentioned: reconnecting takes work! Lots of it. And it doesn't happen as you would hope. It happens slowly - just like the problems did. Coming out of that period isn't a clean ending, but rather a slow and fraught with peril type.
Try not to have expectations. Have a beginners mind and keep your mind open to whatever happens.
Your H may not be ready to communicate as before. You may find that he is something different. But that doesn't mean he isn't trying or that it will happen fast. It will happen slowly and with starts and stops. Be patient and set your eyes on the future far down the road. Not on today or tomorrow.
You both are not the same. Takes time and effort even more than before.
Be well. Be open.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Angel, hang in there. I am pretty new to this (discovered my husband's PA/EA in mid-September) and have been struggling to cope ever since. I feel like I need to learn some of the same things as you around being comfortable with giving up control and learning to have more fun/passion in life.
I'm encouraged by your story though...I hope I can get to the point where my husband will take trips with me again! (His last trip was to Las Vegas with the OW...) It sounds like you've made some progress and don't lose sight of that.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
This weekend we are going to retrouvaille. I am full of anxiety. I suddenly am asking myself: Is he ready? I know I am, but what happens if my H is not?
OMG--Stop freaking out. We went. He is going. That's all you know. Oh well.
IF he's attending with you that means SHE IS NOT AN ISSUE FOR HIM...we attended it and we were both called for the 'interview"
and we were both asked about OPs...sure, he could lie. But does truly make sense? Plus, you are turning a potentially beautiful experience into a BIG FAT DRAG... have some hope/faith Angel...
WE went to Retrovaille and WE got a lot out of it. It started a bit slow but ended up exceeding our expectations...trust the process, and YOU DO YOUR work ONLY ...do NOT focus on what HE is giving or thinking or feeling... or what YOU think he is feeling/giving thinking.
Enough of the mind reading...it's SO NOT helping!
He says that his feelings for OW has waned. But he still talk to her. He says its just friendly talk. He says he wants to stay in the M.
and...Why would he lie about this?
Why isn't this enough for now?
But in our last talk, just 2 days ago, he definitely told me that for him, trying to be friends is still a lot of effort. He feels that I push it by demanding we communicate, So stop asking for verbal reassurances. just stop it. He's not comfortable with it. He's asking you to stop it so...stop it.
Neediness is not attractive and in a way - that's what he may be gently trying to tell you...
just like I demanded for him to be affectionate earlier in our M (I just asked if we could set aside a half hour 2x a week to connect). I just read today that after retrouvaille, dialogue is needed. How will H take that? he'll take it just fine!
They know what they are doing. HE will see the value in follow up. So will you.
Stop letting fears ruin your life.
IT's not helping, it's not healthy, it's not happy BUT IT CAN BE contagious and a self fulfilling prophecy...
don't bring about the very things you fear, with all these anxieties of yours...calm down. Your m will NOT suffer due to Retrovaille. Trust me, worst case scenario is neutral.
We were with 25 other couples in crisis, 3 years ago, and 21/ 22 of them are still married.
Every marriage there was helped by Retrovaille. Every one of them...
I need prayers that somehow, he will be changed, his eyes will be opened by this weekend.
Whoah....how about YOU focus on opening YOUR HEART AND MIND...and let God handle the rest.
Really, you must NOT make your H YOUR Focus...you sound uber controlling right now. What's up with that?
This is for YOU BOTH to "rediscover" - which is what the word "Retrovaille" means in French...
so relax, and trust the process.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Couldn't help but smile when I read all your comments. Especially 25's.
I did think I was all of the above , but I didn't think that my thought process was being controlling. 25, you really are able to get into an MLC'ers mind, right down to what they see as controlling. Thanks for that, no matter what I do I can't just seem to step into H's shoes. Perhaps Retrouvaille will help that way too.
OK, no expectations. You are right, OW is leaving the end of this month, she didn't show up at the convention, I don't have any sense of them meeting up to say bye bye.... so she must no longer be a big deal now. Only in my mind.
Yes, its true I have been sliding back into old habits lately. I did notice that. I even haven't been posting and reading. I have been having expectations. I have been pushing. I have lost patience.
Smack me....need 2x4's, but have to get to that peaceful state by tomorrow, so I can open up my heart, just let it flow, chill, easy now.
Hey, can I have whatever some of you guys there are smoking?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
try gratitude that Retrovaille exists, & that it's close enough to you for you to attend OR you have the money for the transportation
and that you have the money for the fee
(though in truth in our area, they will ask for others to donate to cover the costs if you truly cannot afford it. We ended up donating enough to cover another couple in the future, b/c that's how moved we were by things we heard and learned...)
and most of all, be glad that your h is willing to go.
So Be grateful. Gratitude does amazing things. Trust the process...tell yourself that, when you start to panic about something or your mind veers off into the swirling vortex of negativity,
or you worry that your h won't like something or won't react the way YOU want him to....knock that off!
Let him be. Let it simmer and brew for him, and
YOU WORK and focus on YOUR stuff! You have enough on your personal plate:
Like the control issues & the mind reading & the negativity & the anger...
Angel, do you see how your h might have hopes about this weekend? HE might be praying that Retrovaille changes YOUR HEART AND MIND??
it is very possible. So, you stay in your sandbox, and don't get into his.
I think you're going to have a hard, tough, beautiful weekend.
And that will be the beginning of a new marriage for you IF YOU LET IT.
So get out of your own way and ENJOY THIS GIFT!!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I will stay in my sandbox and not try to grab my H's space.
And I love the idea of him praying that Retrouvaille will open up my heart..... I think you are right there. come to think of it, although his initial reactions to me are very much like that of a teenager, he has actually displayed a lot of patience in our recent altercations, and afterwards, goes back to acting normally. Its me who has been cycling a lot and crying and acting out.
Thank God for having resources like Retrouvaille! yes, they do ask for a donation and I am planning to cover the costs plus some! Anything to help!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Good luck, and yes I'll send a prayer for you BOTH!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
