Thanks for the thoughts and kind words, Aeo. (I've heard other people call you that and thought that it sounded friendlier to the ear than "Chaos.") I have often told myself that such thoughts and feelings are normal to the process, and that it will take time. I have often heard that the experts claim that it takes about two years to get over infidelity. At this rate, I wouldn't dispute that claim. However, I will get there one step at a time.
One thing that is compounding this is that this is my first and only R. People have been telling me that their first serious R's were very intense and hurt terribly when they imploded. Perhaps if I had been more experienced at R's, I might have taken this all easier than I did. I'm learning much about love and heartache, and I'm all the stronger for it.
I like your suggestion about allowing myself to feel things. As I've said before, I'm a typical overthinker. I am told that people often overthink in order to negate experiencing emotions. I would like to leave that old habit by the wayside. Feelings do hurt, but I'm tired of analyzing them to death instead of feeling them, then letting them pass.
I am definitely in the anger stage more now, I think. I often have thoughts about the "injustice" of everything and sometimes feel as though I wish that my W could feel every bit of my pain. However, I'm aware enough to know that such thoughts are a waste of energy and emotion, so I don't indulge them. I almost think that my W is privately suffering somewhere deep down inside, but I guess only God knows the answer to that one.
I also often struggle these days with nurturing my independent sense of self-esteem. I catch myself thinking about doing things just to impress my W, like pursuing more school or finding a more lucrative career. However, I know enough from this website that the best changes a DB-er can make are those that they make for themselves, not their WAS. I am appreciating very much the process of discovering who I am outside of my M.
I am tired of constantly feeling like reaching for my W's approval. Or anybody's, really. I want people to love me just as I am. I keep feeling that more and more as I go down this road.
As for GAL: I went out to the library tonight and checked out a bunch of quality CDs, then headed over to Barnes and Noble to get some decaf coffee and stroll around. I was getting stir-crazy being in my apartment all day and wanted to be around people.
I have also been watching the first season of "Flight of the Conchords." Comedies are definitely my best friend these days, and "FOTC" is absolute wonderful. Very funny stuff.
