too much time and distance

[any chance?]

2step:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words hit home, as our situations are strikingly familar. I feel adrift at this point...my friends are tired of dealing with this situation, I am tired of explaining things to my family, can't tell where my W's head is as we move to the D.....so I am pretty overwhelmed by loneliness and despair, but I am keeping it to myself.

I will maintain the high road, as I think it is the right thing to do. Just because W is willing to tear down 20 years, I am not. Loved her then, love her now, will love her forever.
Do I have a tiny shred of hope? Absolutely. But I am a realist. I know where this is headed. I, like you, just need to hang on and stay the course. No idea what comes next.

I am in Wisconsin. And the long cold winter is just setting in. I am going to make it, no matter how rough and steep the road.

Thanks again, 2step. Please check in every so often.

[2stepboogie]

I understand your feelings, I’ve lived them. I will say that my family wanted to come in and offer support early on. At first it seemed like the right thing to do but after a few weeks I did not want to hear how she will regret it, all the “flaws” that they saw in her, which were not there when we were married. It did not take long for me to realize that family will do what family is suppose to do; protect their own. I wanted my decisions to be based on me and my feelings and not be influenced by others. So I told them i did not want to talk about her and I would take my own time to heal. They backed away and gave me my space. I am glad I handled it that way. Surprisingly one of the first books I read was DR and that was in the first week of November I did not go to the boards till January.

I fought and fought and I did everything in my power to save it. In the end I found and learned a lot of things. I healed myself or at least began the process of healing, I must say it is still a work in progress. You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being.

You can’t seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. You will try to intellectualize what has happened, at least I did. If you can only understand what is going on then the pain will go away and all will make sense again.

You will tell yourself stories to try to make sense of it and your imagination will run wild. You will wonder if there was more you could have done, or if there is anything wrong with you; for months and months I beat myself up and on ocassion I still think this way. It is funny how I perceive this now. I made many mistakes in our marriage and I maintain that my X is a good woman and was a good wife and for some reason we messed it up. I know what I did and what I need to address but I don’t beat myself up for it I simply acknowledge it and hopefully learn from it. Time will tell.

There is a lot of mental re-hashing that takes place. You will fill as if you can’t control your thinking and find yourself obsessed with the failure of your marriage. Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat. I was depressed for months I cried often but one thing I never did ( partly because I have my daughter with me full time) I did not lie in bed. I did not sit on the couch and stare at the wall. I stayed busy or as busy as I could stay. It was hard, still is.

One thing that is important is for you to wake up one day and know you did everything you could and when the smoke cleared there was nothing left for you to do. This has helped me a great deal. It helps me look in the mirror and know I hadled myself with class, love and dignity.

[Rick1963]

2step you just described how I have been feeling. Pretty hard stuff thanks for sharing

[any chance?]

Update:

The pendulum is still swinging between slivers of hope and utter despair and loss. This is very much like watching a loved one die in front of your eyes. My IC told me yesterday that what I am going through is very different than a normal divorce, with many complicated and convoluted layers intertwined with Ws depression.

But I cannot do anything. The way back is smooth and paved, but she is so far over the horizon that she cannot and probably will not ever see that.

Moving forward with the D. Hope to have assets split by the end of the month. Will be an interesting process, to say the least.

Woke up at 4 this morning, realizing that I need to draw up a will. Massive feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Don't even know who to put on the document.

Moving forward, one tiny step at a time. Going to be a very long process.

Thanks for listening.

[Grace_O]

AC,

It is a death, and as such you need to grieve.

As far as the will goes, do you have any close family or friends you would list as beneficiary? A favorite charity?

HUGS

[gunny]

AC,
How are you today buddy? Hang in there.

Like you, I have been in the process of dividing up assets,stocks, savings, property, etc. So far, she has been very content to let me take the lead, no pressure, she still trust me to do what is right, which is a comfort.

If you have joined any support groups in your area, may I advise that you start trying to meet some of the people outside of the group meetings? It has done me a world of good to be around people who have gone, or are going through the same experience.

If you have not joined a group, perhaps you might try, it was hard for me, because I am not a social creature, but it has helped tremendously.
Gunny

[any chance?]

Journaling:

The future seems clear. Headed to a D. My W calls about once a week from her new home 1600 miles way. Not sure if it is out of love and interest or obligation. Arranging the financial separation, which promises to be a massive pain, as most of you know. But it has to happen.

I feel like a broken record. I know she is not coming back. I know I am getting a D. I know I will never see her again, and that she wants nothing to do with me. She is committed to a starting a new life without me. That is just the way it is.

I wonder how long it will take for me to move on without her? I have begun to refocus on GAL activities, working to tone my body, trying to reach out to friends (without discussing my sitch), trying to get my professional career back on track.

Just wish I had a way to take a step forward without taking a step back. I feel like I am caught on a rollercoaster that never ends.

Excuse my morose attitude. Just needed to vent.

[Grace_O]

AC,

What we know or think we know intellectually can be very different to what we know emotionally.

That she calls is nice. Regardless of why. I live about 60 miles from H and we have 2 D's (both still at home, one a minor). I can't tell you the last time I got a call. Once in a blue moon, if I text 1st, I may get a response and even then as few words as possible are the rule. <Shrug>

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It's good to hear that you're reaching out and doing things for yourself.

Hang in there.

HUGS

[Telemark]

Morning, AC...

This just [censored], doesn't it? It's hard to believe we are here, but we are.

I can tell you that as the days go by I find myself less depressed, less anxious, able to sleep longer than 3 hours a night and looking forward to new activities. In the last couple of months I've been out to dinner several times with good friends, have attended superb concerts, been bowling (first time in years) and hit the gym regularly. The big benefit of all of this is that when I am doing these things I am not thinking of my W or my situation.

Well, not as much as I used to, anyway...the thoughts still find their way in but it's getting easier to manage them.

As I've said before - get out of the house and into the world. Develop acceptance of your situation, because despairing about it will not change anything and only age you prematurely.

Someday in the future you may meet someone who sees you and admires you for who you are, not who they expect you to be. And your tools will all be sharpened and in place for you to have a strong, healthy and passionate relationship.

[any chance?]

Thanks, Tele:
Your words ring true, and I am trying to move forward. Have to. Call it dropping the rope, disengaging, whatever....bottom line is I need to move forward on my own and develop a new game plan for my future. My long held future vision has been shattered, and I need to construct a new one. I am trying not to despair, but I will admit the dark clouds roll in on a frequent basis.

If only I understood what has happened, it would be different. Have no doubt, I owe my part in the collapse of our M...I did wrong, I neglected my W....but nothing justifies what has happened here. As I have said before, our M is just a piece of driftwood on the tidal wave of her emotion, depression and confusion. I will stand by her, support her, and be there for her if and when she needs me. I will not leave her in the dust, will not just reject her, as she has done me. That is not who I am.

I am told by folks here and my friends that life will get better, that lessons learned here will serve me well in the future, that life goes on and the clouds will clear. I am sure they are all correct. Just hard to see it from my vantage point.

Time to focus on PMA and GAL activities. Time to put the last horrid 2-3 years behind me. Gotta do it.