W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

Mr. Bond – I do think I am standing my ground as much as I can while at the same time giving her the space she feels she needs.

Regarding kicking me out of my home… Well that is how I looked at it at first. She has volunteered to leave but that would mean taking the kids with her which is a non-starter as far as I’m concerned. The kids need the comfort and stability of familiar surroundings. So, I’m the one who needs to leave --- especially if I ever hope to repair the damage to my marriage. I must change so she can change! She needs time and space so I will give it so her.


Sandi – It is funny that you perceive control on the part of my W, especially since it is my controlling behavior that is largely to blame for the crisis in my marriage. Perhaps in my effort to provide context, my phrasing is giving you a blurred picture of my sitch.

If my W is going to provide a one sided picture of the R to her family, there really isn’t much I can do about that. I’ve known these people for over 20 years, we are very close, (although they live back east, we visit several times a year, they come here, we go on vacations together, etc.) . I am sure they are going to look at this as a two way street as far as our marital problems are concerned.

I don’t think my W is as antagonistic as you may be perceiving. I’m not happy about any of this, that’s for sure. But I feel fairly certain that both of us are going to do our absolute best to maintain a civil and friendly relationship, regardless of the outcome of our M.

Maybe you should think about being the one to decide about the future of this R.

Utill you have her respect for you as a man (first), her husband (second), and the father of her children (third).....you won't have any happiness with her, and I feel sure that she won't even consider a future for the M.

Women have to feel respect for the man before she has those in-love feelings.

You may be correct here but you also have to remember that she feels like I haven’t respected her for a very long time with my selfish and controlling behavior. So, I have to earn her respect by giving her respect…and time…and space.


JS – all good points, but if I had to answer honestly, I’m really never going to be ready to move out and leave my family. But, I have made my plans and will accommodate my W’s wishes in order to give her the space she needs and hopefully rebuild our M.

As mentioned before, I have a great relationship with my in-laws. In fact I have said to them and my W that if it ever came to pass that they needed to live out their days with family members, I’d be happy for them to live with us. How many people do you know that would say that about their in-laws? So, I would not ask them to stay in a hotel. It is just out of the question. I care for and respect them too much to do that to them.


BM – thanks for your perspective. I think it makes the most sense for my particular sitch. And I appreciate the tips regarding the children.

You need to be very careful right now, your W is spinning and your Miranda warning is in full effect!!

Ain’t that the truth! Thanks for the reminder!


25 – As always, you seem to have a good handle on what my issues are in this R.

Bottom line, it's NOT working well for the m to have you two together atm anyhow

but as your DB coach points out, for a long time now, this m was imbalanced the other way and she had to bite the bullet on everything.

Once you are not around SHE will have to find some balance on her own....

I think this captures nicely what I am dealing with and what I need to do.

The advice regarding the kids is spot on and will likely provide the best opportunity for healing on their part not to mention between me and my W.

I like your advice regarding assuring my W that I will not pressure her for a R. I know it will be hard but I also know for it to work, she has to be the one to make the decision/commitment.

But you both can say for now, that though you will always have loving feelings for each other - b/c the most wonderful thing in your lives has happened thanks to the marriage (ie THEM in your world)-- for now you need a break b/c you cannot seem to get along and you have been hurting each other too much

I really like how you phrased that and I hope that that is the message that we ultimately convey to the children.

My W and I really haven’t discussed visitation and I’m not really sure how that will play out. I really don’t get the sense that she is going to want me completely out of the picture. In fact there are going to be ample opportunities to co-mingle as it were, due to our kids very active lives with sports and music. But your point is well taken – get a plan established and stick to it as much as possible.

As sad as this whole sitch makes me, I am as committed as ever to work it through, doing my 180’s, working earnestly on the control and respect issues and becoming the best man I can become. The results as you say are up to God.

Thanks everyone for your perspective. It gives me much to consider.