Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Thanks 25yearsmlc! I agree with you...I am such a mixed mess of emotions that it's hard to get my head on straight. You are right...I need to pick an approach and live with it. I think fortunately, what I've been showing him is primarily the LRT (not much contact or pressure) and changes in me. I've slipped up occasionally in our conversations but have now really tried to focus on just listening to him. (The letter was written when he wasn't willing to admit this was painful for me and he was thinking he could work on our marriage and the affair at the same time)

I also wanted to clarify that I have only told a couple of my close friends about his affair and one of our mutual friends (who was initially his friend). I'm trying to use my IC, my close friends and this board to vent. We have not told any family, work, neighbors, other friends, etc. I wasn't going to tell the mutual friend, but he noticed I was feeling down and probed about why and I started to cry. He insisted I tell him what was going on and he has been through a similar situation so he had some perspectives (he is now happily married to wife #2)

I agree--I need to show him warmth and affection. He hugs me when he gets home and we hold onto each other for a long time. (I try to only follow his lead...although a few times I have initiated because that is more of a 180). We have had some romantic "interludes" (no actual sex) in bed and I have been very open/turned on in those moments. Last weekend when it happened, he held me afterwards and said, "you are amazing".

Our marriage was never sexless...on average, we were probably once a week. However, my H would have wanted it 4-5 times a week and did feel rejected. I very much own that I let too much of that slip away. (I blamed it on the routine of marriage, 3 kids, his work travel, etc). I also think we talked about our SSM exactly how Michele says not too--I felt like I could never live up to his expectations so I felt very pressured and insecure. He felt like I never validated his concerns or tried. The reality is we should have reacted to the issue much sooner instead of backing away from each other.

I agree...I need to keep going on myself and keep trying to GAL and do some 180s. For Halloween, I put on a fun/cute pirate costume and it seemed to get H's attention. I have tried to be very upbeat with the kids and around the house.

I think I just struggle the most with the fact that I don't think I can live with the affair and him comfortably staying in the house for very long. I know six weeks is NOTHING compared to what so many people on this board are doing. I just think for me...it's too disrespectful and will zap away too much of my self esteem. It's also not reality for him...I feel like I do want him to live his life and know what it will be like without me. He isn't doing that now--he travels for work and his "fun" and then comes home and gets to act to everyone like nothing is wrong at home. I do know this isn't easy on him and I guess you may be saying that the double life may eat at him more than I realize.

I guess for me, if my kids knew what was happening with the affair...I've shown them that I've welcomed their dad home each weekend. However, I don't want to show them that I am willing to be a doormat and keep doing that for months on end. I wouldn't want my daughters to keep enduring the pain.

Our MC (who we only went to once) predicted I would not be willing to put up with the affair for very long. I am confident, I have a great job, great family, etc. and he doesn't know why I would. I guess I am letting some of that vibe come through with my H because I do want him to know the truth that he can't keep having this affair forever. And, every week/month that goes by makes it harder for us to build back and recover.

I do think I need to recognize the positives and try to stay focused on me. I do need to remember this won't change overnight.

It's just so hard (as you all know) to balance.