Please listen to Accuray. He has given me great advice. When my husband walked out on me almost 4 months ago, he told me he wanted a divorce and that he hated me. I thought it was over. But now I feel like I have some kind of hope. I tried everything to get him back except leaving him alone like he wanted. So I did exactly that. It was hard, but I did it one day at a time. Before I knew it, a month went back without any contact from him. Then he started to text me about silly things regarding our D. Then last week he invited me to lunch to discuss our D. At the end of lunch he gave me this big tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then after we got in our separate cars, he called me. Then Saturday he called me and wanted to spend the day with me. And we did. These are baby steps for him.
H and i talked today. He started texting me about his payments and wasnt calculating it right. I called him b/c texting back and forth like that is to hard when your trying to talk about money and kids. He wanted to pay me less and said he didnt agree with our sep. aggrement. I said i didnt agree with alot of things but here we are. I said he had to stick with the agreement and he agreed. I didnt allow him to bully me. Then he was asking about my schedule and wanted to take our son for a bit this week. He wanted to keep it loose but I said he had to nail it down. He agreed to x day from 2-6. I told him he had to tell me the times bc i wasnt going to wait around for him to come back or whatever. I'm tryig to stand up for myself and i felt good about it. I dont reach out to him and im never the first one to text or call. I havnt brought up our relationship since we met with my lawyer and signed the agreement. How do i detach more? I'm keeping busy, working, working out, going to church, ext. but I dont go out at night bc i allways have my son at night. I dont really know how to make a guy want me when im a mom. Sounds weird but true. The only way i know to make an ex want you back is to go out and get another guy. Not great i know but iv done it in my teens and stuff. Now im 25 and have been married and still want to be a wife. I feel stuck. When we were talking today it was so weird. There was no anger or anamosity. It was kinda like when you are dating someone and your giving them a hard time but flirting at the same time. So weird and confusing. It went both ways. Not REAL flirting but like sarcastic funny? I dont know how to explain it.
Accuray has some good things there. Especially about talking to a DB coach or even a good cousellor. Helps to get things off the chest with someone one-on-one who is experienced with this kind of thing. Helps to get a better focus that you wouldn't get otherwise with the usual people around you. No offense to them, they're just trying to help but their ideas maybe inexperienced and/or biased.
I have to add to this MLC thing though. Yes, your H maybe in his 20's but this has been known to occur in men and women in their 20's too. I see of the hallmarks of this pattern going on here. (My XW was one of them. She was 29 when she started with this.)
What does this mean? It means you're probably in this for the long haul. There's no quick fix. If you reconnect (and this happens frequently) it'll be a few years at least until you're out of the woods.
Sorry, I wish I could say different but you're going to have to be prepared to buckle down for the long haul. You asked, 'is there hope?' Yes, there is hope. I've seen many, many posts and heard alot on this over the last six years. I have seen quite a number of them reconcile. No guarantees though. Unfortunately, there are sometimes it doesn't work. When these particular WA folks get like this they can be unpredictable. (People who are just WA's for just one or two set reasons are different. They're just pissed off at a very few select issues. On the other hand, those who have a rotating list of issues that doesn't seem to quit often have unresolved personal junk that hasn't been dealt with.)
What this means is you have to deal with the now. Be selfish even. Focus on your own happiness/goodness. Do things to make yourself attractive even. To others and to yourself. Yes, you can't control H or his future so don't even bother. (I know it's not easy but..gotta do it...) Take care of the little things like laundry, doctor's appointments, mowing the grass, etc, etc. It helps to start getting all these little things in order. Less junk for the mind to ruminate on!
I know it's not an easy thing but try to steer yourself away from worrying about whether it's going to work or not. No doubt, you probably feel like there's hampster running around in your head. Like there's nothing you can do about it. (What if I did this or what if I had said that...etc, etc...it doesn't stop...)
You know, I found out that this was quite normal. Personally, before, I felt like a freak because of this. I thought I was the only one going through this. However, through an experienced councellor and good company (and with a few wise posters here) I found out that this was actually pretty normal for people going through this kind of 'screwed up' situation. That was refreshing! (That counsellor was pretty good actually. He had been posted in Afghanistan and had to deal with numerous broken marriages, go figure...)
Some more suggestions perhaps;
- Keep a personal journal. (May not want to flash it around though.) Get things down on paper or a computer document if you prefer. Many have reported it 'really' helps to get it down on print where you can see it, feel it, touch it even. It helps to keep the head from spinning around on the same garbage over and over again (...argh!) It helps to see it for what it really is and make an informed, level headed decision when needed.
- Exercise regularly. I can't stress this enough. Sounds like you're already doing this so keep it up. However, this needs to be re enforced. Too many have said if you don't keep physically active your ability to deal with this kind of stress drops 'way' down.
I know for me I made a decision 4 years ago to get physically active on a regular basis and I haven't looked back. No more do I sit around gazing at my navel wondering, 'why me?' (The compliments are pretty cool too!)
- Get out. See friends. Have Barbeques. Do something unusual even.
For me, I have to deal with Canadian winters on the prairies but I've found it can be alot of fun having a winter Barbeque when it's -10 to -30 F in January (not exaggerating.) Everybody dresses up to stay warm, naturally. Pump the music into the back yard. Get the bond fire going. Make sure the cuisine is exquisite. Smoked duck marinaded in lemon and honey or smoked lamb with Herbe de Provence has always been a winner. We've even done barbequed Romaine lettuce! (I've bin' taking lessons with a buddy of mine who's a chef...)
- Make sure you take some quiet time for yourself too. For me, I'm an IT professional but on Saturday mornings and sometimes the afternoons I don't answer the phone because usually that means I have to solve yet another problem when I should be taking time off. Lounging around. I let the answering machine get it. It can wait. Is 6 - 8 hours a week too much to ask from people or my job? I don't think so. I've learned to let them know in a good way too (lol!)
In the end, I hope this helps. If anyone has anything to add to this then do so!
Yes TMC25, things may not be so good at the moment (to put it mildly.) We've been there. Tough it out and be smart. It does get better if one applies themself in the right way,
Coyote!
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
I posted responces but they never showed. Anyway today reached a new low. H was REALLY nice over halloween. He came over to see the baby and we talked nicely to each other. We smiled at each other and I felt like there was sooooo much chemistry between us. He sent me a few texts that night asking how trick or treating went. I didnt answer them b/c it was really late. Then 2day he started threatening me via text that if i didnt hurry up and switch our car notes he was goinh to take me back to court. I told him i would when i had the money and he needed to stop threatening me. When i got home he acted like it never happened saying he called some places and what i had tld him was correct. He took the baby for a few hours 2day. But i had to prepair a diaper bag for him when he left. He just took the kid and put him in the truck w/o even thinking about it. Im like hello? dont u need some stuff like dipers, food, bottles? So then he told me to go get him the bag! He said since he pays for it the lest i could do was have it ready. wow get down off your high jackass horse. But i ignored it. Then i went to a friends. I told him i would pick up our baby between 5:30 and 6:00 per his request. 5:30 texting starts. where r u he's getting tired. 550 phone calls what r u doing, where the f r u, why do u late till the last min. hang up in my ear. 607 i show up. H is getting the carseat out of the truck. The windows r open and i hear hi crying so i knock ( his sis's house) an go in to get him. She gives him to me and we talk and she hands me his bag. I never even entere their living room. H comes running up the steps yelling what was i dong, get out, i never knocked f this, telling me to go install the car seat in my car and get out. His sis said that i did knock.he takes baby out of my arms and yells at me to get out and go put the seat in. im like wtf. I say back to him what r u doing, you r being rediculas, u come into my house and come and go as u please, give him back to me! Baby was crying bc he wanted me. I asked him why he was acting like that and he said bc i bug him.he gave me the baby and told me to get out and i left. After i left he started texting me. not appologizing but kinda trying to justify/explain. I set him straight and said that i wouldnt put up w/ him treating me like that and i didnt want our son to think that its okay to treat his wife like that someday. I think he feels bad bc he was trying to explain/excuses but he never appologized just said whatever. omg thats a condensed verson. wow h couldnt handel S for 3 hours its a sad life right now
My apologies, I was just re reading my post to you and I just realized I may have given the impression that you have to wait a 'few years at least' until you can 're connect' again at all.
Actually, an actual re connection with a spouse like this often comes a lot sooner than that. A few months sometimes.
It's just that very often when one reconnects with a wayward spouse it almost always means you have to brace yourself for more if you get back together.
Yes, after reconnecting, issues will need to be worked through. Just don't jump into pointing a hard finger at H. You may scare him off. Give it time. Be firm when needed but do work through each issue as best as you can. Just don't try to cram them all at once. (It's very important to be smart about this.)
This just means that for now you have to take care of you. If all is good, it usually means at least 2 to 3 years before both can feel comfortable again. If things go south for a bit, you'll still be fine. Get yourself up and start making good changes and you'll be good to go,
Coyote Boy
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Hi, TMC, I just finished reading your posts, and thought I would let you know you are not alone here in having a cop for a H. My H has been one for a long time. When he was still in the academy, the city had a meeting and reception, with the mayor, chief, and all the bigwigs, along with all the families of the cops to be. They asked the spouses to raise their hands if they had seen a difference in behavior in their spouses since entering the academy. I raised my hand, looked around and almost all the other spouses had done so too. It really changes them, and then when they are out on the street, seeing the dregs of society, it's even more pronounced. After years of being on the street, with all the police groupies, and with me being busy raising our S, H decided to strike up a "friendship" with one of them. I am not saying your H is doing this, I just know how easy it is for this to happen. We've had cops have sex with prostitutes while on duty.
My H got mean, like yours has. Yours is a bit young for a MLC, but with the job he has, he may sometimes wonder if that is all that's out there,(bad people)and start acting like everyone is just out there for what they can get. My H got really jaded like that.
Anyway, things have turned around for us. Whatever your H is going through is going to take some time to get resolved.
I have to admit you're beyond where I can help you at this point beyond offering words of support. Your H's behavior to me is just unacceptable, and very hard to understand as he seems to swing from affection to rage and antagonism without much connection to what you're doing.
I wish I could help you more -- the best thing I can suggest is to do a session with a telephone coach on this site. I know money is tight, but that really is super helpful, much better than IC in my opinion.
Also, verycrazy seems like she could be a great resource since she also has a cop for a husband. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, but I know when I'm out of my depth, and I am here.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I have been speaking to one of my friends about this whole situation. She is a christian and is encouraging me to fight for my marriage. She brought up a few points that I had not thought of. She said that right now H is in this supper defensive position and actively looks for reasons to valadte the reasons why he left me. She said I immasculated him and made him feel like a faliure as a husband and a father. That my "complaining" and "pointing out" things that he should just know (like the diaper bag) push him away. That he needs to be "built up" by me. He needs t think that I think he's not a bad guy and he's a good father. She said to start treating him like he was a good H and like he is the best dad in the world and maybe he will live up to that. The day after the big incident, he called to let me know that he could not refi. our home loan 4 a year out of my name and into his alone. I was still upset about the day before and tol him he was screwing me and I was upset. To his credit he didnt explode. He just said it was out of his hands which in all honesty it was. After some coaxing from my gf I sent him a text asking him to call me. When he did I told him that i had thought about hat he said; realised that he had done all he could, and appologized for my reactions. .... You could hear his smile through the phone. He was so pleased I apologized to him. We left the conversation with him feeling better about talking to me. That was the goal i guess. Baby steps right?
