What do I do next?

[Accuray]

Yeah, as I've said I've researched this ad nauseum. On your last point, one of the more interesting points I've read again and again is that we come into marriage with a bundle of expectations and pre-conceived notions. In many cases, we believe that these are "normal" or "everyone wants/expects this", so we never bother to verbalize or explain them, and if our partner questions them we get very hostile because they are our core beliefs.

For instance, if you were raised in a house where mom makes the kids lunches in the morning and dad takes out the garbage, chances are when you get into your marriage you'll take out the garbage and "expect" your wife to make the kids lunches without ever discussing that expectation or questioning if it's fair. You just won't make the lunches, and not even think about the fact that *not* doing it may be a problem, because you have a core belief that it's not your job. Then, if you actually DO make the lunches, you'll view it as doing a favor for your wife, which in many cases will make her crazy.

What I've read is that these unspoken assumptions are often a huge source of tension because although we hold our core beliefs to be "normal", they're rarely going to match the assumptions our spouse is bringing to the marriage. When the assumptions don't match, and you can't have a productive discussion about it, it starts a negative cycle of resentment that eventually drives you apart.

One thing I've tried to do is evaluate ALL the things that get done to keep our household running, figure out what my baseline assumptions are about whose "job" that is, and then challenge myself on each one. For instance, historically my wife would clean up the clutter in our daughter's room. If she outgrew toys or books, I assumed my wife would be the one to sort through them and give away the stuff my daughter no longer needs.

Through this process I started to question "why do I assume that's my wife's job?" She also works full time, we never discussed who would be responsible for that, so why do I just assume she owns it? If you start going through that process with each element of "work" in your household, you'll get in touch with your own assumptions and beliefs, so when you start piecing, or start a new relationship, you can actually discuss this stuff up front, agree to share responsibility for it, or agree on who will take the lead. The point though is not just divide the stuff that naturally falls in noman's land, you've got to evaluate all of it.

I can tell you first hand that if you start taking on stuff that you previously assumed was your wife's "job", and truly believe you own it versus you're doing her a favor, that's the type of 180 that demonstrates real and positive change -- but you have to be willing to keep it up and keep doing it.

Just my two cents on your second paragraph above

Accuray