Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Update,

Things continue to progress but as expected, other things keep popping up every so often. The latest bump in the road has been H's attempt to wean himself off antidepressants and antianxiety meds. They are not without some side effects and he felt good enough on them to try and lower himself off. Unfortunately, it is having an effect. In fact, I think he tried to go too quickly off his antianxiety meds and it ended up bringing back some anxiety attacks and such. As a result, I recommended he might want to slow the rate of his decrease. Yes, he should be doing this per doctor's orders. But he doesn't want to make an appt just for that and I'm not going to badger him about it. Since I do have medical training (just not in humans), I at least have some reasonable insight into how to guide him. But it's ended up causing me to have to deal with some things again that have long since gone. When he's having anxiety issues, he kind of retreats into a shell and doesn't pay much attention to me or D and can be moody. So it's kind of been a rewind of sorts in having to remember how I dealt with it before. Here of late, though, it hasn't seemed too bad. We've talked about a need for him to have an "outlet". He needs something to "do" to help him when he's having his issues. Whether it's running or a hobby or something. He said that I'm his "outlet". I told him that it wasn't a good idea to use another person as their outlet. He seemed to get my point and as a result, HAS seemed to be getting back into some hobbies that he hasn't done for awhile. I think it is helping somewhat. He's had a tendency recently to use alcohol as an "outlet". As a result, he often ends up acting very stupid around D. I mentioned this to him the other day and stated that it was getting harder and harder for me to be supportive of his attempts at getting better if he continually makes self destructive choices with alcohol. He agreed with my point and also agreed that he often used alcohol as an escape mechanism. Since them I've seen him do that a lot less. So there is some forward momentum.

Nevertheless, we continue with our traditional weekly sushi and sake night. During a recent dinner, he had way more sake than normal. The next morning, I found his phone on the floor in the living room, attached to the charger. As I put it on a table, I clicked it on just to see if there was anything obvious on it. Much to my surprise, there was a message (via a social networking site) that was on the screen from x-OW stating "Sorry, I feel asleep". I didn't dig any further and didn't snoop through his phone. It was just one of the popup messages. While it upset me, I realized there could be a good explanation for the message. When I went back into the bedroom, I simply stated that there was a message from x-OW on his phone. He got up and retrieved his phone. Much to my dismay, he never said anything else about it. We had to accompany D to a district game that day and I gave him time to perhaps explain the message. I was courteous and all but it was really bugging me. The fact that he may have been contacting x-OW while drunk at night should bug me right? Unfortunately, no explanation came and it was clear that H could sense I was upset. He responded by trying to be super sweet and cuddly but I just wasn't having it. After D's game, we had lunch and I just had to get out of the house. I went and ran some errands and then did some geocaching (which I've found is a great way to get some fresh air and get out of the house). I really needed to think. I was bothered that he didn't explain himself. But then again, if I was bothered, why didn't I just say so. I was upset with myself as well. I shouldn't expect him to be making sure I'M Ok. If I'm not I should say so. Yet again, I was blunt about knowing about the x-OW contact and he didn't even try to explain. I went around in circles in my head. Finally I texted him to ask if he knew why I was disturbed. He responded by saying that it was probably because he got drunk last night and was dragging all day today. AHA! Once again, making assumptions is always a bad thing. Here I assumed he would understand that x-OW contact would disturb me. Yet when asked, he really had no clue. So I asked him if me finding x-OW messages the night after he was drunk shouldn't disturb me?

H: "Ah. I didn't realize one could still send messages via (social networking site) if you weren't friended. I have added (social networking site) to my blocked list"

Me: "What did the message mean?"

H: "She messaged me earlier in the day. I replied but didn't get a response. She was apologizing for falling asleep and not messaging me back. I didn't reply to that and have blocked her"

I didn't respond to that since I had to pick up D again from school. But it made me think a lot. Do I need him to tell me every time she contacts him? I kind of want to know, but then again, it seems kind of petty. He is dealing with it as best he knows and he knows that issue bugs me so he was leaving me out of it.

Once I got home, we had a much deeper discussion. As he put it, x-OW is in a very bad place personally right now. I'm not sure if she's completely divorced yet, but she is living in our metro area and her XH and son are living in another town 2.5hrs away. So she went from having a family and a larger house with land, to a small place with no family, living alone and working too much. I guess she is looking to H for a shoulder to cry on.

H then made some comments that I thought were very insightful and made me think a lot. He said that no matter what ended up happening with us, he doesn't think it would have worked out between them anyhow. He said he thinks she was/is just as broken as he was. And the two of them just ended up drowning together and that wasn't making for a good relationship. He said that I offered him a way out. I was a life raft to him. He said that despite everything, I never gave up on him. And as a result, he's struggling with the fact that since she's in the same position, so to speak, he feels it would be bad to give up on her in a way. She was there for him when he was going through a lot of issues and he feels bad that he can't be there in the same way. He knows he can't. He realizes that contact between them wouldn't be good. But at the same time, he feels douchy just abandoning her in a time of need.

As much as I hate to say it, I couldn't disagree with some of his points. I see the dilemma. But I can also see that H is doing the best he can to extract himself from that whole issue. The big issue, as we discussed, is that I think she's still holding a candle for him in a way and he agrees. Probably a good sign that she's not dealing with reality very well right now and may be in a type of MLC issue herself. It's sad really. And it seriously made me think about ways of still trying to be humane and not leave another person to suffer alone while realizing there have to be certain barriers in place.

It's given me a lot to think about to say the least. I know that H can't "fix" her anymore than LBSs can fix their spouses. The broken person needs to seek out that recovery on their own. But as we know, having others to talk to that are going through similar issues can be enormously helpful. Strange topic. I'd be interested in other people's thoughts.