IMO, I believe your H is still deep within the tunnel. His obvious confusion being the biggest indicator. His FEAR of seeing you, your home, the animals, is because he doesn't know how to handle the emotions that arise. I believe, although I have no confirmation, is why my H avoids me and my home.
It's probably very hard for your XH to process it all just thinking about it. Seeing it was possibly a sensory overload. I believe that it is at least part of the reason they try to forget that we even exist.
Your XH saying he would betray you again, to me, says that he's still blaming you to justify his choices.
I picked up on the controlling ow, also. There is no independence for him there. She's got him on a tight leash. I believe as he makes his way through that he may come to resent that control. Your XH saying that maybe there would be more loves shows the cracks already. Saying he'd broke his promise to ow because 'he lingered' was his fear of her and possibly the argument that followed.
Antonia, I'm glad you had the chance for that kind of talk. Very revealing on many levels. Thank you for sharing with us. I agree with Beatrice that it was a gift for both of you even amidst your sorrow. (((A)))
