Antonia, even though my spouse was mean, I still loved who he had been. And I always will, but he is fading from my head. Honestly when i was at the stage you were at, in time terms, I could not get him out of my head. Now I think about him occasionally, perhaps a day goes by and I don't think of him at all, other days i might think quite a lot about something. It is no longer obsessive, but I would say that it was for quite a while, even though I didn't want it to be.
We built our lives on and around that other person. how could we detach easily if it was real?
The two best books for me have been The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Louis Hay 'You can heal your life' in actually changing my mind set. It is like reprogramming rubber - it keeps springing back, but gradually you succeed.
I think we need to accept that their being in our heads is normal, and that as we work on ourselves, and time passes, they fade into pleasant memories.
I think it is interesting how controlling OW is, and how accepting your xh is of this control.
You said a lot of things that you needed to say, and I get the sense that you felt you were heard, which is important.
This has been a great gift to you both, and will enable you both to continue with your journey, wherever it is taking you.
