W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[25yearsmlc]

fwiw

I mostly agree with Brooklynmom. First, many of us are only staring at the issue of him moving out, which DBing USUALLY advises against, but with some exceptions his DB coach is considering. IMO, the coach has a point.

We cannot look at this in a vacuum.

On one hand - yes his wife IS a bit out of control...OTOH, 2t owns a lot of their issues.

This marriage did not come into this crisis ALL b/c of his wife...and she's not insane to feel frustrated by how things have gone.
Of COURSE I wish she'd deal with it differently

but let's read his whole thread before just lumping her into the category of a selfish WAW...

2t, moving out may help you (though her manner of insisting is out of line and you need to be CLEAR with her about that...good grief, does her family know THAT??)

So, ANYHOW- your w sees you as THE issue and until you are out of her way and your own (b/c we know you pursue too much and you seek out praise or acknowledgement for the changes-she fears giving b/c it's "false hope"...)

Bottom line, it's NOT working well for the m to have you two together atm anyhow

but as your DB coach points out, for a long time now, this m was imbalanced the other way and she had to bite the bullet on everything.

Once you are not around SHE will have to find some balance on her own....

I'm very glad her family likes you and supports the family. At first, their pressure will produce NOTHING good for you

b/c she'll rebel against them and want so much to be "right"...after all, in HER EYES

she's been the victim so long that she cannot see herself as the wrongdoer now...and won't while you are around.

I really believe it's easier to DB when you have some space, at least it was for me.

Our mc told me to NOT tell the kids you are getting "divorced" Until the day you are about to file...iow you both are POSITIVE IT'S OVER...

until then, you can allow them hope for at least the transition period.
That does NO harm...

So That means saying "we're taking a time out", or "trying this out" and NOT saying for sure it's over. Why rush that? B/c she fears She will change her mind?

Assure her YOU won't Pressure her for a reconciliation and mean it...but that way she won't have a good reason for cementing the "divorce" decision and announcements. Make sense?

If the time line for divorce with kids is, say, 6 months...AND THE r goes straight to Divorce,

they don't need to know it's over til 5+ of those months have passed, so they can prepare while having some hope...they'll adjust to the idea that it "might not" work out...

and then when it's clear it really is over - (IF IT IS) -

THEN you tell them...no rush to crush

their hopes. This will leave them reeling as it is.

It's odd for her to insist that they be given no hope from the get go...eventually? Sure, they'll have to adjust to what is real.

But you both can say for now, that though you will always have loving feelings for each other - b/c the most wonderful thing in your lives has happened thanks to the marriage (ie THEM in your world)-- for now you need a break b/c you cannot seem to get along and you have been hurting each other too much

and not problem solving very well...

My DB coach told me that when the kids asked (and only if they asked) I could say "I hope we do NOT get a divorce, b/c I have loved your dad for a long time.."

and h was okay saying things like that b/c it made him look good too.

Of course you tell them together. That should be understood unless true abandonment has happened...which won't.

ALSO--our mc said another helpful thing...among many...

kids can have some questions now and you can answer them as well as you can without getting into an argument (or they won't ask and then they'll do guess work that is NOT healthy or accurate)

but you cannot avoid an argument if you insist on agreeing about what's going on.

WE know YOU don't want this...SHE knows you don't...but you are respecting her desire for space right now b/c you are not getting along (or however you choose to say this)

But the MC said, "don't forget that the kids will again have, or time will generate new