Yesterday was a busy day as I had to work on the kids' Halloween costumes and get all of my work done by noon. Coincidentally, H called around the time I was done to work to inquire about the day's plans. Asked if I had everything together and if he needed to pick up anything on his way home. Before we had the last fallout, we went shopping for my Halloween costume together. Needless to say, the costume is a bit 'out there,' but that's kind of my personality. Not too risque, but I'm sure more conservative moms might raise an eyebrow or two. When I tried it on the first time he enthusiastically approved.
I got the kids ready at my mother's house and then came home to get myself ready. Every year, I take the kids trick or treating and H stays home to hand out candy. We even talked about this a few weeks ago and that was the implied plan. When I was almost completely ready he asked if I was taking the kids by myself again. Then he asked if I wanted him to come along. I told him that it was up to him.
After I was completely ready he asked if he could take a picture of me. For the first time in years, I actually smiled for a picture. Although I'm pretty much allergic to cameras, it seemed to come naturally.
Earlier in the day I heard back from two counselors that specialize in relationships, SBT and sex therapy. One in particular stood out. Although I was really looking for someone for H to see on his own, the therapist believes that it is a good idea for us to come together intially.
The rest of the night went extremely well. I hadn't planned on him asking to come along, but it turned out to be really good for us. After the kids got oodles of candy, we got some fast food because no one felt like cooking. The DVD rental turned out to be a peace offering after all - H asked me if I wanted to watch it with him.
At this point, it really isn't a good idea for us to talk about the R. However, I did tell him about the therapist. When we last went to therapy, neither of us was completely honest and upfront. Can't expect to gain any insight if you aren't really giving it 100%.
I asked him if he would agree to see this new therapist, and he did. Last time, it was like pulling teeth. Maybe he's acting this way because I've been so nonchalant after the confrontation. He knows of my plans to move into the other room, and I'm still planning to follow through. My air mattress is on the way and I've started to organize my things.
As expected, H wanted to be intimate. I told him that I was not ready. He nodded in agreement but still held me throughout the night. I made an appointment with my doctor to get STD testing. It feels terrible to have to do this despite the fact that I have been monogamous.
I'm calling the therapist to schedule our appointment tomorrow. I don't know what is going to come of this, but I realize that H has a real problem. I know that if he feels comfortable with this therapist he will probably be okay with going back on his own.
Working with my 180 has really been the best thing I've ever done for myself. During the summer I started to walk around the neighbor with the kids for an hour at a time, change my diet, buy new clothes and adhere to a real schedule. Lost a ton of weight, making a real effort to keep myself up and attracting a lot of attention from other men. Its like I totally forgot that I could be viewed as anything besides a 'mom.' Since then, my self esteem has soared. I know that I deserve to be in a loving relationship that is based on honesty.
I just hope that requesting to go to therapy isn't seen as begging or pursuing. I want us to both be the best people that we can be for our children, regardless of our R. It is going to take a lot of time before I will be able to heal from all of this.
Do I still have hope that H can be completely cured and we can life happily ever after? Absolutely. But at the same time, I know that he has to be left to work on himself. And he has to be the one that is willing to do it. This will probably include a physical separation where he will have time to reflect, accept the facts for what they are and make a decision.
I kind of feel like I'm doing the same thing as him - flip flopping on my goals and focal point. Sometimes, its all about me and want I need, and other times I keep trying to fix him. This is a man that constantly says that he is not happy and doesn't but doesn't know why. I, on other hand, feel completely happy and content when I think that my family is intact. When I make believe that there is nothing else going on because things are going well between us, it seems like my life is completely fulfilled.
Tomorrow is another day and I hope to get more things accomplished for myself before I start to dwell on the future.
