Hey IM, I've been reading your thread but never have posted on it. I've been wanting to reach out but was afraid of projecting my own sitch.
Until 25's post this morning. It was exactly what I've been wanting to say to you!
My W is an alcoholic and a food addict. She went sober on her own but joined OA in July of 2010. My sig is below but basically she does not talk to me anymore. All of what 25 said above rang true to my sitch. My w wanted to start over, didn't want to deal with me. She's been in program for over 16 months. I got a few apologies right before we separated.. but never once since then.
So...I get it!!
I think the hardest part for me to swallow is this idea that my w left our marriage to become a better person. That I was not worth the effort to change our dynamic or repair the damage that she has caused.
I try not to dwell on those thoughts but try to think of the good ones. To remember that although I am missing out on some positives.. I am also missing out on the negatives and when a marriage leans more to the negative.. that is NOT a bad thing!
My thoughts are NOT from a "ha ha" mentality rather than a thankful one. I am so much more happier that I don't have to take that form of abuse anymore. I am worth so much more now that I don't want to put myself in that kind of situation EVER again.
This allows you to take your focus from being angry at him to being happy with you. When the anger subsides enough, your heart will be open to forgive.
I pray to God all the time to help me forgive my wife. She is not worth the destruction of my soul. It's a work in progress.
Reading Co-Dependent No More is a great idea. Us spouses of addicts are usually CoDe and we confuse love with enabling and caretaking.
When my wife said she couldn't change our dynamic.. I said well I can and I picked up that book. It's literally been the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I fail all the time.. but slowly I am starting to see progress.
It started small with little things.. baby steps that have helped me to get to where I am now. Do I still struggle with enabling and caretaking - absolutely.. but I'm getting better.
You will too! Dig deep in yourself and figure out the woman you want to be NOW. In this moment. Because regardless on if D is final or you would reconcile.. work still needs to be done on you. You can fix in yourself. You can heal the woman that your m wounded so deeply.
You are strong enough and you are worth it!!
Believe it to be true and the truth will radiate so brightly.. the world won't help but notice!
(((( ))))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
