Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

Hello everyone:

First let me start by saying that this website and all of its incredible members have gotten me thru so much. Thank you all!!

Here is my previous posts for any of you who would like the back story.

New and confused...Need your thoughts...

We seem to be piecing now, however I think he may still be texting OW. He has stated from the beginning that they are just friends and that his feelings developed at a time I wasn't there for him. He says he confused those feelings and there are no feelings for her like that anymore.

My questions is, since we aren't discussing her or them, should I be worried or ask about her?? Will this just blow up in my face since he's still friends with her??

[ncl]

Hi, Dyna. I'm glad things are looking up in your marriage. I haven't read your previous thread but was wondering.... Have you ever asked your H to end all communication with ow? Is that something you think he's willing to do, for your own peace of mind as well as in the best interest of your marriage? If you know he isn't willing (or you don't think he will be), why do you think this is? Are you two at a place where you feel comfortable asking for what you need to feel secure in your marriage? I think this is a very important part of piecing/healing/rebuilding. Maybe you'd feel comfortable expressing those needs with a MC present?

In my situation, ow played a BIG part in our problems, so communication with her is a deal-breaker for me. It may be totally different in your situation. I suggest you decide what boundaries you must have and go from there. Best wishes to you! lc4

[MrBond]

"My questions is, since we aren't discussing her or them, should I be worried or ask about her?? Will this just blow up in my face since he's still friends with her??"

If he's sincere about piecing then he should have no contact with her whatsoever. Your needs and security comes first. If he dismisses your feelings, then he's playing you.

[sandi2]

Are you still here, Dyna?

I have decided that she doesn't exist in my world. I'm not bringing her up to H and I just have to be okay with them being friends

You do not have to be okay with them being friends! He cheated on you with her.....she isn't his friend. As the wayward spouse, he needs to show that he is putting forth effort to work on the M, and the first thing he needs to do is have nothing further to do with OW. Until he's willing to do that, your M won't heal. The burden of proof is on him....not you.


I hope you're okay, and I hope you'll let us hear from you.

((hugs))

[FreeBird0120]

Hello everyone:
Sorry I haven't responded. I'm still on moderation and it's been a difficult couple of days, but here's the update:

We hadn't discussed her because I'd decided for whatever reason to ignore their "friendship" and just focus on our relationship. BIG MISTAKE...

Saturday morning I woke up to H holding me which made me feel so good as affection as not been easy for him. We had gone to a Halloween party the evening before and had a wonderful time together. We ended up ML and he fell fast asleep afterwards since he was still tired from the night before. I had gone into the kitchen to make coffee and saw his phone light up. I thought he was either getting a call from his mom who calls him every morning, or his alarm was going off so I grabbed it to quiet it as to not wake him and saw that it was an instant message from OW. I wasn't snooping I promise and probably shouldn't have read it, but I knew he was still talking to her "as friends", and it was very hard not to read it as it was right there in front of my face. It read: "Goodmorning Sunshine!! Hope you had fun at the party last night but most of all I hope you were finally able to get some sleep last night."

I know the message could have been a lot more incriminating, and I realize that it wasn't like she was confirming any sort of anything between them in that message, but for some reason it just hit me that this OW was messaging my H 1st thing in the morning, that she was calling him sunshine, and that nothing about their "friendship" was appropriate. Especially since they have been keeping their "friendship" secret from both of their spouses. The fact that she has to instant message my H so that her H can't track it, and the fact that my H wasn't upfront with the fact that he's still talking to her and the fact that they are literally texting each other from 6am-5pm non stop while they are both supposed to be working just isn't appropriate. I know I told myself to ignore it and not to bring it up, but something just clicked inside of me and I knew that I could no longer live like this.

I don't want my D11 to think that this is okay behavior, and that it is okay to be treated like this by the person you've given your heart to, so I thought long and hard about what my next move needed to be. I have decided that I can no longer live 2nd best to this OW.

Sunday morning when we woke up, he asked how my day was the day before and I told him that I had a lot of soul searching to do, and that I had come to a decision that I needed to speak to him about. I told him that as of Tuesday 11/1/11 me and D11 would be moving out. He was upset and confused as to where this was coming from as he didn't know at this point that I've known that he is still in communication with her, so this came as a shock to him. I told him that I knew he was still talking to her, that I'd accidentally read her message to him the morning before, and that I could no longer live in this sitch. I deserved more and in ignoring what was still going on and allowing it that I had sacrificed myself and my values and was no longer able to live like this.

He claimed again that they were just friends and said that she was there for him at a time that I wasn't and had helped him thru so much that it was hard for him to just say "Okay thanks for being their for me, but my M is going good now, so I can't talk to you anymore...have a good life." He was also very upset that I was leaving him with so much debt and didn't care what kind of financial mess I was leaving him in. He pointed out everything I'd done wrong in the M to contribute to it's demise and cried the whole time.

Once he was finished I told him that he was the one who had forced me to make this decision. I asked him to put himself in my shoes and to really think about how he'd feel if the roles were reversed. I told him that he obviously couldn't let her go and that he couldn't let me go either, and since he wasn't able to make that decision I was just making it easier on him and making that decision for him. I told him that he'd already chosen her over his family and as soon as I said this to him, he became very hostile and screamed in my face that he didn't choose her over his family, that he'd chosen her over me.

I moved out yesterday...November 1st will forever be the worst day of my life. It was heart wrenching to walk away from 14 years, but I had to let him go and let him see what being without me was really going to be like. I feel like this is my last option, and if he comes back it will have to be completely different then it has been. We will have to essentially start from scratch.

Yesterday for the 1st time I saw what this is doing to him. He was very emotional and when my D11 and I left, I could see how much it was killing him along with how hard this was on us.

Maybe one day we will find each other falling in love again, but until that day comes, if ever, I will be GALing, doing 180's for myself and my D11 and start taking one step at a time to discover who I am without him. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I know what I have to do now, and as heartbroken and sad as I am right now, I know I will be okay.

[sandi2]

I know this had to be terrible for all of you, but I personally support your action. He cannot continue any contact with another woman, period! He may dress it up by calling it "just friends" but it doesn't change the fact that it is inappropriate in a marriage. That woman is M. He is M. No friendships with opposite sex that excludes the spouses is ever appropriate!

I hope he will see that he is emotionally addicted to the affair and that he has to cut off all contact with her. He has to go through that period of "grieving" (as bad as that sounds)and go cold turkey to get her out of his life.

Forget how bad the friendship thing may sound or look. He has to decide what he wants more......OW's "friendship" (which is really an EA) or his family. He can't have both!

Hope you will stay on the board for support.

((hugs))

[FreeBird0120]

Thank you so much Sandi2...I know this in my heart, and I pray every day that he will realize what he needs to do...

Until then I am GALing and doing what I need to do for myself and my D11...as much as this hurts I know it has to be done and I have to be strong...

[oldtimer]

I wonder how different things would have been if you'd come from a place of self-respect compassion rather than going in for the angry accusatory drama?

You: H, I've learned that you are still in frequent contact with your BFF. That really isn't OK with me. It has to stop.

H: It's perfectly innocent, we're just friends.

You: She is not a friend to us, not a friend to our M. Anyone who is not a friend to our M should not be in our lives. I'm not OK with it. I won't live with it.

H: It isn't that easy, she was there when I needed someone and you weren't. She cares about me.

You: I'm so sorry I wan't there then. I am now. I can see it must be hard and painful to let go of someone who was so important to you, who felt saw you and cared. I can see how it would be hard for her too. You've both made emotional investments and it hurts to end things. I'm so sorry you both have painful feelings to deal with. But, it still needs to end. Continuing the R will only bring more pain. It isn't fair to either of you to continue it and it is not good for our M or me. It isn't good for anyone. Painful as it is, it must stop. I must respect myself and our M here. I need you to write an open letter to her that I mail, or to have a final phone call to which I can listed. So long, goodbye, it is over. We were there at an important time in each others' lives, but that R is not part of my future. I need to say goodbye firmly and to put my romantic R and partnership with my W first. I will block your cell number and email address, please do not try to contact me otherwise."

H: I don't know if I can do that or want to do that.

You: I understand, it is a hard choice. For me, the R has to end completely for me to want to be part of the happy, passionate, vibrant M I think we can have. I'm not interested in anything less. I'm open for trying for that with you now if there are only us in our M and all our friends are friends to the M. But, I'm also a big girl and need to take care of myself. To me, that means not staying in an M while you continue your relationship with BFF. It doesn't work for me. That is something I am very clear on.

H: I don't know what you expect me to do.

You: That is really up to you. I've let you know where I am. It is time to be done with that R. A firm goodbye and then no more contact. But that is of course your choice to make, and I understand it is a hard and painful choice no matter what happens. It is really OK to try with me and change your mind later. That won't make you a bad guy. But for me, right now, it is not OK to continue to be with you while she's still involved. It's just not what I'm looking for in my life no matter how much I love you.

[FreeBird0120]

Wow Oldtimer...you make a very good point. I would have never have thought to react in that manner with all of the emotion and heartache I was feeling about their EA. It would be interesting to know how that would have played out...

I do know that since I've moved out, he has told me he wished he could fix things, and that he knows what he has to do, but just has to figure out how to do it. He told me he lost a friend today...I assumed it was her as our convo's last night told me he was devastated to lose me and our D11. He's pretty torn up about it, and I'm not sure how to react to this as I'm very hesitant to rush anything as the last 3 times he's ended up talking to her again behind my back.

Just not sure how I should respond now...any thoughts anyone??

[MynameisMZ]

I support your decision as well. It sounds to me that you did a lot ...I mean A LOT of soul searching and it was not a quick decision. Sounds like the IM was the final straw. You took a stand for yourself...and maybe that is what you've needed to do. I didn't get the impression that it was drama at all. If you were emotional in it...well "duh"....why wouldn't you be? I think there comes a time when you have to say, "Enough is enough" and not put up and shut up while it kills you inside, destroys you. Sometimes it comes down to preservation. I got to that point too and taking that stand was a catalyst to where we are now. I know it doesn't always work out that way, but I too was NOT going to tolerate ANY R between them; I was crystal clear about that.