Living in the trenches....Thread #5

[workinghardguy]

Hey Navy... if you haven't already, re-read 25's comments. They're gold. My W and your W sound eerily similar, though mine isn't as far down the cold/mean path as yours.

I had to process a lot when my sitch blew up. And yes, I could've and should've been a better husband. I did one thing a few years ago that hurt my W greatly. Her friends and I were out at a bar. I was drunk and her friends offered me a joint. I had never smoked marijuana in my life, so at my W's encouragement I did.

Well... MJ, alcohol, and I are not friends. I lost my mind and ended up propositioning my W's friend for sex. We didn't actually have sex or even come close. I then cried the rest of the night. Unfortunately all of that comes from stories from others, I don't remember 90% of it.

To this day she holds that deeply against me. When my sitch blew up I beat myself up for that daily. But I've come to realize that, really? I'm not all that bad. Yes, I have issues and I want to improve myself. But compared to what's out there? C'mon, let's be realistic.

And I've come to the realization that I'm too good to be second-fiddle for my W. If we split she's going to be a twice-divorced, 32-year old, single mother of three kids (5, 9, and 11) with one income and a four-bedroom house, and a tech college degree (granted it's nursing). She'll have one great XH (me) and one POS XH (father to SS11 & SD9). Hey... good luck with that! I can already see the guys lining up around the block to grab that baggage. And if she thinks life will be even barely manageable like that she's welcome to drive that car around for a while, especially since she'll make just a hair too much to qualify for any type of support.

So if the scraps she throws your way are enough, Okay stay.

OR if the idea that you are a father only is enough, then stay.

OR If you see things we don't, like hope and change in her POV, then stay.

And the above quote you really need to meditate on Navy... when my sitch started I was in the first sentence. Just stay with me W and I'll take the scraps.

Then I moved to sentence 2 where I wasn't willing to take the scraps, but if she could just let me stay the dad (b/c I LOVE being a dad!) I could do this.

But in the last few weeks, especially since getting to a point of, what I feel, is good detachment I'm in sentence three. I am in this to see a change in her POV. I see little changes. But if there won't be change down the road, and I mean real change, then I will end our M even if she comes back.

Stop owning her hurt and her feelings. They're her feelings. Be your own man, define your own needs, get those needs met, and stand up for yourself in doing it.