BTW, thanks IS, I am really trying to do the right thing.
So yesterday H called late morning and asked me to pick up some candy for last night- apparently he kept forgetting, so I told him I would, no problem. I was planning on stopping by the store on the way over. He asked me to let him know when I was on my way, so I called when I headed out and told him I would be there as soon as I stopped by the store to pick up the candy. He starts getting ticked off, saying it was typical of me to wait until the last minute. ???
I stayed calm, although I have to admit I was pretty mad. You ask me to do YOU a favor, that YOU waited until the last minute to do, but I'M the procrastinator? I told him, politely, that it didn't make sense for me to leave the house just to get candy when I was leaving in a few hours anyway. He then tells me he'll get it himself, and I can tell he's still ticked.
Sorry if this next part is tmi, but it is very relevant.
When we get there, I put on an old costume he had bought me (one of those kinda sexy ones) since he mentioned he was going to dress up to take D out. We start flirting when he gets home, and then stops and says he's not sure if he should since he doesn't want to lead me on. Admittedly, in the past I have reacted poorly to intimacy because it is a big deal to me. The last time we were intimate I think I did a good 180 by not bringing any drama to it after the fact.
So as things progress, he stops and says, this will be the last time. I was crushed. Why would he say something like that? Just then the doorbell rings and he goes to pass out candy. When he came back I asked him why he would say that. He says its not that he doesn't want to, he just can't keep doing that- that he's afraid it will give me false hope, and that he thinks I feel like it will make everything better.
I told him I am well aware that it won't make everything better, and that I'm ok regardless of the outcome. I also told him in the past it was difficult for me to do that knowing he didn't want a R with me, so this is a definite 180. Then he asks me if I just want to 'live in the moment'. I said yes, and you can figure out the rest. Afterwards, he starts crying.
We have some pretty emotional, intense conversation after that, and although I'm sure I wasn't the best DBer I didn't pursue as far as begging, pleading, etc. He asks me why all of this now? Told him losing him was the hardest experience of my life, and I never want to experience something like that again, therefore change is inevitable.
We discussed getting together to talk, but later when I asked him when he would like to do that he said he didn't know, so I dropped it. D also told me something heartbreaking on the way home. She said she wanted us to be a family again. I told her we were, but she said, no a 'real' family.
I'm strangely pretty calm today considering. H is a puzzle and I have no idea where his head is at right now...
