I just want to thank everyone for these posts and the love and well wishes. I'm sorry to all those who went through the loss of a pet. It's heartbreaking but the price we have to pay for all that love from them.
I have an appt for her at 11:15am today, so I will know more then. The pain meds I have given her have done wonders in that she is walking around pretty normally and she's active and happy, purring, eating well, etc. I am so glad I had them on hand to get her through the weekend.
This whole situation has taught me one thing that I guess I hadn't learned yet: that while I am really ok and living my life entirely on my own and feeling very detached from XH, that when something really big goes wrong, I feel that pull of attachment to him in a strong way. My mom said "don't you think it's just that you need SOMEONE to help you, not necessarily him?" Well, yes and no.
I think the main thing I have learned is that I've been spouting off for a long time that I don't need anyone in my life to be "happy" or "at peace", and I can really make it just with friends and family and don't need a partner. I've said this to make myself feel better, and to stop other people who don't know what my life is like from pitying me. I've also said it because I really can't control "getting" a partner.
But the reality of the situation is that I am lonely. I miss having someone here. This situation has made me feel VERY isolated despite the emails and phone, friends and family.
I get this way when I get sick too. I feel a lot of jealousy of other people. I mean, my parents can't stand each other, but neither of them would ever decide to leave the other. The presence of another human being in close proximity is some measure of comfort.
I guess what I'm saying is that this situation has taught me that I have to soften up and admit to myself that it's ok to want a person in my life and to feel sad that I don't have that. Feeling that way doesn't make me a princess or a wussy dependent female. It just makes me human, and humans crave connection.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Well, the one thing I have a terrible time doing is learning how to live in limbo...and that's exactly what I have to do now.
The vet says it really can't be anything but a tumor. Not to pay for an expensive biopsy, because there really isn't anything else it can be. She asked if she was eating and drinking and playing and getting around normally, and I said yeah, esp. with the pain meds. So she said "then just maintain her on pain meds for now." She never brought up euthanizing her. I asked should we do that, and she said "no." She said she would do it if I asked because of the age of the animal, but then I said "if it was YOUR cat what would you do?" She said "I'd give her the pain meds. If she deteriorates as far as quality of life, on the meds, THEN I'd make the decision to euthanize."
I guess a tumor isn't an automatic death sentence? I was really surprised, as this vet doesn't play around...so for her to say maintain her on pain meds was unexpected.
I was ready to do it today, but now I'm back home with her. And I think this is all meant to teach me how to live in limbo...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
After my H left, my elderly pets started kicking off, one after another-- I lost 5 dogs and 2 pocket pet in the space of 2 1/2 years. One of the dogs had cancer-- it had already spread all over the place by the time it was discovered and was beyond treatment, but even so, I was able to keep him comfortable and happy for another year. I was amazed. He finally let me know when he was ready to go.
Oh my god. 2 hours after I brought that cat home, my beloved boy cat became acutely ill. Like flipping a switch. He is the other cat's son. The vet thinks he has cancer in his intestine, or an obstruction of some sort. He is in ICU now...I was given the option to drive him myself to UPenn Vet hospital to emergency in PA, where they could do a nighttime ultrasound and exploratory surgery, and if it was cancer, remove the cancer, bowel resection, and start chemo. And that's probably 5 or 10 grand.
OR. Let him go all night here, monitored, on pain meds, and then see him in the a.m. to pretty much say goodbye, at which point they'll do an exploratory surgery here without the ultrasound, and if he's fixable, try to fix him, and if not, don't wake him back up.
Even if someone handed me 10k, I don't think I could put him through the UPenn route. Nor could I reasonably get in a car in my state and drive into center city Philly, 2 hours away.
DE has no ultrasound available at night. At all. I live in podunk nowhere.
The vet agreed to do exploratory surgery without it to ease the cost a bit. I think I'm into it for 1000 already. I don't even care. I feel like I have to do something. Sometimes obstructions can be removed or tumors heal...but the vet says she wants me to be ready for this to be it for him.
He's the cat who has always been closest to me and to XH, by far.
He's only 14 and showed no signs of problems till today. He has a hard mass in his abdomen and was screaming in pain when I left him at the vet.
I spoke to XH on the phone for the first time since last Christmas. After a few minutes he could not hold up his cold sounding/odd voice that he's used ever since he left, and he broke down and was "normal."
There were a lot of things said very openly from my end, mainly because I know that DBing is pointless with him, and I need to move on and in so many ways I have.
What I gathered from the conversation is that we are two people trying very hard not to have attachments to each other and we can't break it entirely.
He said that he would be continuing to talk to me/be in my life if I would allow it, but that he was respecting MY wishes to not have him in my life.
(he has no clue that that's just messed up under the circumstances).
He told me that he has never filled out the paperwork sent in August for him to get the final installment of the divorce settlement and told me that the reason was that he just was so stressed with his job anymore and there so many extra hours a day that he can't make himself fill out the paperwork. It's earning me money every day...while he's losing...and he said he didn't care, to just be happy that I was getting more towards my retirement.
I told him I finally got a raise. He said that was good, and when he heard the salary I'll get in 4 years, he said I'd be "well off" and really "set" for later years. He sounded jealous.
He told me that he has never gotten a cat because of friends with allergies and because he didn't want to go through having a cat to lose it the way we were going through this now.
In short...he has done nothing to "move" in his life...no roots down, no new pets, no going back to school. Nothing permanent. Didn't even get rid of his truck even though it's pretty old and has no AC. In Delaware.
Honest to god, I think that in some remote corner of his mind, I'm still the backup plan.
I have "moved on" in many more ways than him, with this ONE exception. When it comes to the cats we shared for all those years, I do need him to help me make a decision or to at least say "this is what I'd do if I had 'custody'."
The support from my family is not the same. Only he has the bond with this cat that I have. So I feel better for having involved him even though it's not a DB thing...but honestly, there is no point to DBing with him anymore.
I think he's so firmly in that life that he can't get out. I think he doesn't want to get out but he's also seeing it's not what he thought it would be. I think he underestimated how hard it would be to walk away.
It is so painful to realize that there is a connection there that cannot be severed, when that connection is just so pointless. I said to him "I tried so hard to not need you for anything and on this, I need you, and I'm so angry at myself", and he kept saying that it was ok.
I might end up seeing him tomorrow at the vet if he can get off work for a few hours...but he said he wasn't sure and not to delay surgery on his account. He said he wants to see the cat, but honestly, he works with OW. She'll know if he leaves the school. He will have to run this by her and this is probably something that will scare the crap out of her.
God it's just one thing on top of another, and my family is all pushing me not to talk to him or see him, and I keep saying that the void of the cat being gone if he will be is worse by far than seeing XH for a bit if that even happens.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
How could you not involve your XH? This is a crisis too. None of us here with children would fail to inform our MLC spouse if a child became seriously ill.
What you have written is very similar to the way a good friend of mine's MLCer was after a while. He came to see the new r wasn't what he thought, realised the connection with his XW was still deep. but lacked the skills, strength of mind, and desire to make the changes he needed and still needs to make.
Most of them want us in their life, after the initial spewing and anger, although this can take a long time. Some never do the anger bit, but most do.
And yes, for many of them I also believe we are still the back up plan, crazy as it sounds. We are the core of their life, and they rush off, thinking we will always be there. It is crazy stuff. You are gradually releasing the need for this patterning, and in a strange way, the illness of the cats will show your xh that things do change while they are gone.
first, as to the cat who is acutely ill--yes it could be an obstruction and given how suddenly it came on, let's hope for that. I mean, it's painful BUT often fixable.
The cat with the tumor, doing reasonably well on meds, thank GOD for that. Some tumors are slow growing, so, maybe you have some time.
Last, on THIS issue, forget about the "rules" of DBing.
IF your h cares about the cat enough to want to come, then for sure you did the right thing contacting him.
Don't punish him with this NC when it comes to an animal (or child) that you both cared for.
If he doesn't show up, no loss, really...but you'll toughen up in some damn way, no doubt.
Sorry about that, and the cats.
Hang in there...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My boy died this morning between 3 and 4am. The vet had him at her home. She sets the clock on the hour and said he was alive at 3, passed by 4. She said she sleeps lightly and he did not wake her so there must not have been a struggle.
My XH is picking him up at the vet to bring him to my home so we can bury her. He kept saying he didn't have a right to be here because he left him. I said that doesn't matter right now, that I feel like I need him here because regardless of what happened, right or wrong, he was his dad for 13 years and he was closer to him than any of the others, and that we needed this for closure.
I hope I'm doing the right thing having him come. I hope that it doesn't make ME backslide. I just try to envision burying him with my sister (the other option) versus my XH and I keep feeling like XH is the right person to be here.
I couldn't really get out of him if he wanted to be here or not. He kept saying he wanted to do what was best for me and he'd just deal with it.
I feel like this was my last "link" to XH, you know? This cat tied us together so much because our love for him was so intense, more intense by far than all the others, just due to his personality.
Sigh.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
