Living in the trenches....Thread #5

[25yearsmlc]

good grief Navy, enough already.

At worst, You were a flawed, somewhat clueless selfish h for awhile...(and I guess SHE was perfect all through those years...but of course)

and so now, forever, she will hold onto this no matter what you do??

Screw that...she's sick and miserable and is pissed at you for not constantly reminding yourself that you once were imperfect and hurt your w's feelings?

Who wants to live like that? WHO CAN??

All I know is that as of now, she's miserable and selfish and unkind to you and denies you what wives are exclusively able to provide.

and you're getting close to being a doormat Navy.

I'm sorry but that's how I see it.

Instead of fearing her wrath or her reaction, tell her YOUR NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET, BY A LONG SHOT...

and if that matters to her, she needs to do some work of her own.

If it does not, then imo, I say --

Let her go discover how great it all is out there without all that "abuse and pressure" from a smart, kind good looking man who is devoted to her and the kids....

Let HER clean the house and LET HER pay the bills and let HER do the shopping and car maintenance and yard work AND child care and go to class and find supportive friends without you...

and let you move on in your life and find a woman who can say "Thank you" and not cringe when you touch her...

Navy, if you want to stick around solely to be a dad to your kids more fully

then so be it. I'll stand by your choice. I am not suggesting you "teach her a lesson" or punish her...but there is a difference between that and enabling someone to mistreat you and call it something else.

I think it's sad that your kids won't know what a m could/should look like...I cannot imagine them seeing this m as it is now, being good for them in the long run.

I'll support any choice you make at this point. But I do not see what you are doing as working, I'm sorry to say. ML once in a year isn't progress when she seems to hold that against you too...

imo-
She's biding her time w/school, and is totally unaware of how self absorbed she is.

If she were on her own, she'd learn fast that having NO ONE else cleaning up or cooking OR paying the bills, might make you look a lot more attractive.

and yes OTHER WOMEN would see your value, and for the life of me I can't help but think that's the only way she'll wake up to reality.

sorry buddy...but this has gone on too long imo. It's cementing her victimhood, like she really thinks EVEN NOW that she ought to be angry at you? It's sickening to me...it's the least forgiving description of someone, for less actual "wrong", than anything I've read here...

She thinks you have wronged her in some serious way and you enable that mistaken belief. Who is she kidding?

What about NOW?? Today, Who is abusing whom?

She has no idea what reality is here.... she's clueless to that. I fear you're not making headway putting up with ANY and ALL of her whims this way. She keeps getting away with mistreating you and you keep asking her if she's mad at you...who cares?

let her be! No more chasing her out with the nicotine shots...let her wallow in her own misery. Stop owning it. It's NOT your fault and its not your responsibility. Isn't it obvious you cannot "fix" it? (And She resents your efforts at doing so.)

that's my .02

ps

growing up we had an Army Colonel as a neighbor, whom we all liked/admired. He had been a POW for 5 years...he was funny and humble and engaging..

He had also had an affair at some point after the POW but before we met him...how do I know? The whole neighborhood knew b/c somehow his w would let it slip out. And she's make snide remarks around him, little snarky comments that would undermine him.

If we asked about his POW issues, he'd begin to talk but she'd interrupt or change the topic. At first I thought she was protecting him but she wasn't.

All of her 4 d's have weird r's with men...or are divorced or never married.

Her son lives FAR away (the dad died).

I recall thinking to myself "I don't know what happened years ago, but as of TODAY, SHE is the bad guy.."

No one liked her, we all liked him.

She made him pay every day for something done with years earlier, and ALL Her kids knew details they did NOT need to know...

I knew her choice was the worst of choices; I learned to either leave or stay and forgive. But staying and NOT forgiving, was hell for all concerned. You really are not doing your kids the favor you think you are doing, by enabling this...

In your sitch, you have no big crime to pay for. Yet it's as if you do. You enable her delusion and her victimhood, and that helps no one.

So if the scraps she throws your way are enough, Okay stay.

OR if the idea that you are a father only is enough, then stay.

OR If you see things we don't, like hope and change in her POV, then stay.

But if you are asking me if I see hope and change in her and whether your efforts are paying off...then I say no, not enough...do something different...or keep getting what you are getting.