alcoholic H decided he wants D

[25yearsmlc]

Very sorry you are here, particularly for your recent discovery. In some ways it explains a lot.

After facing, or trying to face, all the damage his drinking has caused, it must be very appealing to him to meet someone new who doesn't have to forgive or move forward overlooking so much in the past. See, she helps him feel LESS responsible for the pain around him. He can rationalize the affair b/c you acted distant or rejected him or whatever...he's a master of rationalization; addicts and alcoholics specialize in that. No doubt he's rationalized it already.

Also His saying he didn't want you to find out "That way" and "wanted to tell you but couldn't" is SO CLICHED....like he's noble for not wanting to intentionally break his vows AND tell you to your face.

For someone who just went thru an 18 month 12 step program, he's not showing much integrity, imo. I've been through one and I'd be very disappointed in myself if I could not face my h, whom I was now blaming for my issues, the truth. AND for him to let some c tell your son that HE wants a divorce, and without you there...is stunningly weak. Talk about shame and fear being his guide...

if he's in touch with his feelings, I assume it's shame...(but that'a s big "IF")

Gee, guess you should say "thanks" to him for wishing you'd found out about OW....some...other...way?? Like what way? A way that cost him NO discomfort?? Oh THAT way...as if that "way" exists. He's out of it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes it IS hard to tell someone that you broke your vows and want out, especially after years of drinking your way thru life...
But to be fair, it's possible you are Not accurately mind/face reading here, b/c you are interpreting his facial expressions at the scene, and I"m not sure that's objective...or important for now. Some people get goofy and almost silly acting when they are truly embarrassed.

(My h is an MD. When he first became a doctor, he almost seemed to laugh nervously when he had bad news. It was a nervous coughing like noise but almost sounded like a laugh. When I heard him once on the phone I then imitated him afterwards and he was mortified...so he actually got some coaching on it b/c although we could laugh about it at the time, we envisioned how problematic it could become...but it's common. Let's not get bogged down in his facial expressions...in HIS MIND, he apologized for "how you found out"...)

Although we can wish you'd handled his gestures in recovery differently, (when you said you were resentful and punitive) you were human and flawed. And you had put up with a lot in the past, so maybe that's when it surfaced for you. I don't know.
I DO know the feeling of "oh great. After all that CRAP I put up with, NOW you are all better and NOW you dump ME??"

I've seen it happen many times. Thing is, they are NOT "all better", they are simply sober, if in fact he is...and now HE is blaming YOU for his past drinking so, don't think he's perfect now and that you only got the crappy part of life. That's a lie HE may want you to believe, but it's not true. He's got plenty of damaged goods being carried around, still...and after 18 months of a recovery program I'd love to know the other issues you two have discovered in therapy.
What happened to those issues? It wasn't all about "HE DRINKS", right? I mean even HE must have known there's other stuff...
BTW did you attend family t with him while he was in recovery? Did your son go too?

long day...packing up 18 yrs of marriage in one day and reliving all the memories was exhausting.

luckily, you do NOT have to do this again. Ever...your choice...


I got there about an hour before my friends because I knew I was going to have a hard time going back in our room were he had been with her just the day before... I sat on that floor and just cried for 30 min.
I think i handled it with class..i didnt trash the place and didnt break anything. actually cleanded up a little of the mess before I left, just the newspapers and stuff but i did do one thing a little spitefull....
I took the bed...LOL!!...im going to sell it but i just couldnt leave it there for him to have his fling with her in my stuff and that bed was so special to me, i loved it.

So get a new bed for yourself, that YOU like and don't have to share, til you're ready...enough said.



He just got home about 20 min. ago and is livid that I took it, go figure. kinda puts a wrench in his game plan i supose...
what did he think? that i would just leave stuff there for him to live happily ever after and be comfortable...its like he doesnt even realize what he has done..

He does NOT know what he has done, even though he's supposedly sober now. (Perhaps blacking out would be preferable to him??) Thing is, shaming him won't work well, and punishing him overtly only supports his negative views of the m right now.

The more you fight and the more anger you show, the more he feels that he "had" to drink in the past and therefore the more it was your fault...


have appt with lawyer tomorrow to retain her, he is threatening to be worse then my ex,

Not sure what that means...but on what basis is he threatening that? I mean, b/c you sold a mattress? Seriously, Please do NOT give in to your fears of whatever it is...that paralyzes you or keeps you from protecting your son or yourself.. Don't even go there.
He just finished a recovery program...and now has an OW...and wants a divorce...he's not the first guy to do this and the court has seen it before...same goes for his threats.

Man, for someone JUST completing their 12 steps he sure isn't owning much...was he better abouty that in the program?

Is he arguing that you "punished" him and that pushed him to OW?? Okay...he may say so. Let him keep blaming others for his choices, (but that sure doesn't sound like a 12 step approach to life.) And it does not change what YOU need to do.


which is pretty bad so im guessing this is going to get ugly. I never thought it would get to this, even if we did split up, we have always been civil and kind to each other. I just dont understand what is happening...


hold on some now...So when he was laying down drunk and not available for even going out to eat dinner b/c he wanted to drink, he was "always civil"? You both were "always kind" to each other? really?

Let's not revise things the other way b/c we KNOW he's revising the marriage into a hellish nightmare that "made" him drink,

but don't you do the opposite and make it out to be a "Civil and kind" m, when he was absent, mentally, a LOT... I'm sorry, but me thinks you are recalling your history a bit too rosily...be real.

You love this man and want the marriage to last- but maybe it won't- and if it does not, that does not mean it was a great wonderful m and that your h was a wonderful flawless man who inexplicably lost his way and made poor choices OR whom you forced into the arms of OW with your punitive ways... He's made years of bad choices...it's a pattern.

Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings or read up on co-dependency? I highly HIGHLY suggest it...

I dont feel like i did anything wrong, we had talked a few weeks ago about what I could have and he said take what ever you want...so i did..

his point, likely, will be that your motivation was not a healthy or objective or well intended one. He will suggest you acted out of anger or spite and he'll probably try to say that's "typical" of you.

No matter what you do now, it's crucial you NOT Show your anger....seriously, as sick with rage as you may feel, it's NOT going to help you or your son.

Remember that...

*Make this all about the numbers for now. NOT b/c you have given up on the m, but b/c you MUST survive with your/your son's welfare as paramount...

*Plus, it's no pursuit. No pressure...no conflict...let the Ls figure it out. Costs more in the short run but can save a fortune in the long run with more clarity AND can save you so much pain by not feeling screwed over or not protecting your son b/c you wanted to "keep the peace"...

*PLUS, it gives him some reality therapy- about what he will have to pay and do...which he sorely lacks as he's been enveloped in a supportive environment for months and months.

I would not be shocked if he met her thru the program...(which means they are both off track, but that's also predictable.)

MY fil was a raging alcoholic and went thru 3 wives before he got sober...AND still he was a dry drunk (Not addressing his issues but blaming ALL problems on simple alcohol...) til his 4th wife, the woman I believe he truly was better able to love, separated from him b/c of the drinking--her leaving SO scared him... THEN he became a "recovering alcoholic" instead of simply a dry drunk...
meaning, HE CHANGED...for the better... and this was after the age of 60. So I've seen it happen...

fortunately his last wife left him before she was indifferent. So when he changed, she returned...and that was about 15 years ago. They seem happy. He's a better man than before. She loves him with an iron fist in a velvet glove, if you know what I mean....

So I'd suggest you see a L for sure. Find out your rights...it's empowering to know...of course You do NOT "have to DO" anything, but you MUST KNOW the numbers b/c his threats are probably impotent...but it'll help YOU to know that...know what's real and what's just fear...act on and make decisions based on what's real.

As my DB coach said, Lose the anger, at least in front of him. I know that is hard to do...like Mother Teresa hard....but anger ONLY fuels his choices and negative images he's clinging to in order to justify his wanting the divorce....the OW is not the cause of his wanting the divorce. Starting fresh and hiding from the shame of his past is, imo, at least a chunk of this.
[i]
And your anger really won't help you maintain the image of the dignified woman of strength you want to be right now...in the face of betrayal, THIS is what you must model for your son, for he is watching you now.[/i]

And someday your son will face a setback or betrayal of his own, so show him what it looks like to cope with that kind of grief, and recover. Show him that although your pain is deep, it is NOT fatal and it is NOT Eternal.

You will be happy again. You will laugh again, care again, save for the future, and love....again. We don't know if that will be with your h, or someone else. Your choice...but for now...

Read about co-dependencies...sometimes having a spouse with " a problem" keeps us from looking at and owning our own. The real journey is an inward one...it will take a lot of bravery on your part to face the role you played in the marriage and it's problems, and to become the woman you want to become; i.e. a woman only a fool would leave.

But today, all you need to do is learn what your rights are, protect yourself and your son and have faith that this does get better. And know that it does.