New here; husband left

[Coyote]

TMC25,

Accuray has some good things there. Especially about talking to a DB coach or even a good cousellor. Helps to get things off the chest with someone one-on-one who is experienced with this kind of thing. Helps to get a better focus that you wouldn't get otherwise with the usual people around you. No offense to them, they're just trying to help but their ideas maybe inexperienced and/or biased.

I have to add to this MLC thing though. Yes, your H maybe in his 20's but this has been known to occur in men and women in their 20's too. I see of the hallmarks of this pattern going on here. (My XW was one of them. She was 29 when she started with this.)

What does this mean? It means you're probably in this for the long haul. There's no quick fix. If you reconnect (and this happens frequently) it'll be a few years at least until you're out of the woods.

Sorry, I wish I could say different but you're going to have to be prepared to buckle down for the long haul. You asked, 'is there hope?' Yes, there is hope. I've seen many, many posts and heard alot on this over the last six years. I have seen quite a number of them reconcile. No guarantees though. Unfortunately, there are sometimes it doesn't work. When these particular WA folks get like this they can be unpredictable. (People who are just WA's for just one or two set reasons are different. They're just pissed off at a very few select issues. On the other hand, those who have a rotating list of issues that doesn't seem to quit often have unresolved personal junk that hasn't been dealt with.)

What this means is you have to deal with the now. Be selfish even. Focus on your own happiness/goodness. Do things to make yourself attractive even. To others and to yourself. Yes, you can't control H or his future so don't even bother. (I know it's not easy but..gotta do it...) Take care of the little things like laundry, doctor's appointments, mowing the grass, etc, etc. It helps to start getting all these little things in order. Less junk for the mind to ruminate on!

I know it's not an easy thing but try to steer yourself away from worrying about whether it's going to work or not. No doubt, you probably feel like there's hampster running around in your head. Like there's nothing you can do about it. (What if I did this or what if I had said that...etc, etc...it doesn't stop...)

You know, I found out that this was quite normal. Personally, before, I felt like a freak because of this. I thought I was the only one going through this. However, through an experienced councellor and good company (and with a few wise posters here) I found out that this was actually pretty normal for people going through this kind of 'screwed up' situation. That was refreshing! (That counsellor was pretty good actually. He had been posted in Afghanistan and had to deal with numerous broken marriages, go figure...)

Some more suggestions perhaps;

- Keep a personal journal. (May not want to flash it around though.) Get things down on paper or a computer document if you prefer. Many have reported it 'really' helps to get it down on print where you can see it, feel it, touch it even. It helps to keep the head from spinning around on the same garbage over and over again (...argh!) It helps to see it for what it really is and make an informed, level headed decision when needed.

- Exercise regularly. I can't stress this enough. Sounds like you're already doing this so keep it up. However, this needs to be re enforced. Too many have said if you don't keep physically active your ability to deal with this kind of stress drops 'way' down.

I know for me I made a decision 4 years ago to get physically active on a regular basis and I haven't looked back. No more do I sit around gazing at my navel wondering, 'why me?' (The compliments are pretty cool too!)

- Get out. See friends. Have Barbeques. Do something unusual even.

For me, I have to deal with Canadian winters on the prairies but I've found it can be alot of fun having a winter Barbeque when it's -10 to -30 F in January (not exaggerating.) Everybody dresses up to stay warm, naturally. Pump the music into the back yard. Get the bond fire going. Make sure the cuisine is exquisite. Smoked duck marinaded in lemon and honey or smoked lamb with Herbe de Provence has always been a winner. We've even done barbequed Romaine lettuce! (I've bin' taking lessons with a buddy of mine who's a chef...)

- Make sure you take some quiet time for yourself too. For me, I'm an IT professional but on Saturday mornings and sometimes the afternoons I don't answer the phone because usually that means I have to solve yet another problem when I should be taking time off. Lounging around. I let the answering machine get it. It can wait. Is 6 - 8 hours a week too much to ask from people or my job? I don't think so. I've learned to let them know in a good way too (lol!)

In the end, I hope this helps. If anyone has anything to add to this then do so!

Yes TMC25, things may not be so good at the moment (to put it mildly.) We've been there. Tough it out and be smart. It does get better if one applies themself in the right way,

Coyote!