A Bklyn tale

[BklynMom]

H came over today to pick up girls for over night. Very smooth and easy. About 20 minutes. A little longer cause of the weather and he grabbed some of his winter stuff. He also sweep the stairs of snow and asked if he should bring salt over in the morning. D3 showed him a picture she claimed to have made of the whole family (I painted it) but it had 4 people in it - Me & H. He didnt comment. D3 also was referring to my bedroom as "mommy/daddy room" - he didnt comment. He also asked if he could bring the girls home earlier tomorrow at 10a so he could go to a football game. I said no problem. Inside I am thinking you went from being a full time awesome dad to seeing your kids 3 days a month and even that is too much you need to bring them home earlier for a football game. Who is this person??

[BklynMom]

MY STORY: Early May my husband and I are looking at houses to buy. One day while I am out looking I bump into a mutual friend. She tells me she is getting a divorce. I tell my husband this when I get home since I know there is some unspoken tension in our relationship I thought her struggles could open up a conversation. He says “Baby that will never happen to us” and gives me a big hug. The following weekend we see a house that we bid on and attend a yoga conference together. At the yoga conference we get into a fight and it was strange because my husband completely shut down. Totally shut down & I felt very confused. Two days later he told me to pull the bid for the house. That night he came home and ILYBNILWY said he wanted to leave our apartment for a month. I didn’t know what was going on, I told him he couldn’t leave, that if he left the door may not be open for him to come home. BIG MISTAKE. He stayed on the couch but the flip was switched and he was gone from the relationship. He was grumpy and zombie- like, not himself at all. Also drinking excessively. Mid July he moved out. There is a possible OW he has denied it and no positive evidence. He has been living a few blocks away but took a temporary job in Atlanta till Christmas. He comes back to bklyn every other week to see our girls.

BACKGROUND: d1,d3, married 2007, together since 2002. My h definitely pursued me initially I was 4yrs older and I thought of him as too young for me especially for something serious. H is reliable, great dad, captain of the football team type of guy. Non-verbal. I am hot tempered and have anxiety issues. I constantly told H what to do. We rarely fought b/c H would disengage whenever I got angry. I would have panic attack; freak-outs and he would always tell me it was okay that I was crazy - that he loved me. He says it is these freak-outs that have caused him to leave. He was walking on eggshells and has been unhappy for a long time. He doesn’t know who is, that I emasculated him & took him for granted.

NOW: I have been well behaved since May & have been seriously DBing since Labor Day weekend. I have had one backslide shortly after Labor Day. It has been helpful that H is in Atlanta working and I only have to deal with him every other weekend for pick-ups & drop offs. I have been very prepared for these encounters, have handled myself very well and looked good. We talk on occasion when he calls the girls and I always sound happy.

DBing/GAL: Yoga, running (ran ½ marathon in Sept), ALANON meetings, IC 2xW (AD) really helping with anxiety & anger, going out every other Saturday night when he has the kids. Spending more money cause husband thinks I am too cheap. I do about 60% of my GALing for me 40% cause I want him back.

POSITIVE SIGNS: He deposits pay checks into our joint account, hasn’t served me with divorce papers although he has threatened, wont tell our d3 that he has moved out instead tells her he has two apartments b/c of work.

CURRENT PROBLEMS: I can detach and have detached but need to show my husband more love and show him the new ways I can communicate - doing this seems impossible. He has hurt me very deeply and it is very scary being loving towards him when many of his words are still so mean. ILYBNILWY came out of no where I was not expecting this at all, I feel betrayed “why didn’t he say something before it was simply too late???
Second issue, I am trying to put myself out there more and meet new people & develop closer friendship with people in the neighborhood but I find it very hard to be honest about my current sitch. I want to be able to say to acquaintances something like “My husband it not living with us now, we needed some time apart to work on some issues” but instead I just pretend everything is aok. Close friends and close family know of the sitch but they are less apart of my daily life then neighbors.
Third, I want to believe so bad that he is going to come home, it is so hard to except that he may not. It is too devastating to think about.

I LOVE THIS BOARD and reading other peoples sitch has already help me so much. Thanks for letting me share mine.

[mdw2388]

this board is great and helps a lot!! ive been in this sitch 3 times now and i keep going back to my old ways once we work it out. Im now trying to work on myself and have been for a couple months just cant seem to get passed the part of not talking to W and begging her to come home. Now that im back on here and just read and post it seems to get better for whatever reason. i have friends that give me the same advise as i read on here but for some reasn when you have someone that is outside the friend circle it helps that much more. Sorry your here but you are in good hands!! GL on ur sitch!! hope it gets better!!

[BklynMom]

thks mdw. I am praying this will be my first and only time in this sitch.

Today H brought the kids home after his short overnight visit with them. The exchange was better then ever. Before he brought them over he texted, do you need anything - I wrote back apple juice. Didnt really need anything but since he was offering. When he came over we chatted for a little. I was dressed very cute and sporty she he has responded positively to my athletic GALing stuff - he complimented my pants and asked again when he left if I needed anything else. I said no. Before DB his friendlyness would have made me crazy, why does he want to be so friendly and still divorce me and ruin his kids lives?? Now I can kind of accept this irrational behavior since he doesnt know what the heck he is doing and I just have to keep the pressure off. I can make myself crazy if I look at the possible scenerios, I know todays exchange was nice and I am happy. I know he is slowly creeping back as long as I seem like I believe its over. In the future I want to post about the POW I think it will help me get those anxieties off my chest.
One manipulation idea that I had was to get my daughter to mention that she wants a big kid bed and see if H takes the iniative to buy it and set it up. I know that DBing is not about manipulation but I thought I would get my D to mention it and if he took the bait then great if not I will not mention it again I will just go and take care of it. any thoughts on that?
Thanks everyone, so glad I found this board

[2thepoint]

ILYBNILWY came out of no where I was not expecting this at all, I feel betrayed “why didn’t he say something before it was simply too late???

None of us are prepared for the ILYBNILWY. And frankly, there were signs. I know there were in my sitch and from your description, it sounded like there were signs in yours as well.

So lets be honest, had we been given the heads up as opposed to a 2x4 upside the head, would we have done anything of real substance to remedy the problem? For me the answer is probably not. I think it takes a real crisis for people to pay attention. Unfortunately, for those of us who now find our marriages collapsing, that comes as small comfort.

It sounds like your GAL activities are working really well for you. If nothing else, you are doing things that make you happy and they help to get your mind off your troubles. And that is good for your children as well.

I think that if your family knows about your sitch then it is probably ok to share with the new friends you are meeting in the neighborhood. You never know if a new deep friendship might develop and the last thing I'd think you'd want is to start out with secrets that eventually have to come out. I wouldn't be advertising per se, but I don't think it hurts to say you and your H are having problems and are taking time to sort things out. Just my 2 centavos!

Regarding the manipulation, I've read here and elsewhere to never do something that will hurt your chances of a R. So, I would think carefully about whether or not things could be damaged if your H realized he was being manipulated.

Also, is manipulation potentially another area of focus in your R? You may want to look deep to see if there are patterns there that might be worthy of further exploration.

Keep working on you, and in those areas where you know you have challenges, (anger, etc.) keep doing what works. And if you do R with your H, I would encourage you to continue your IC sessions and AD if they are helping. In other words, don't stop if things happen to improve, otherwise you'll likely end up back where you are now.

Hang in and know that you have friends here who are pulling for you!

[Eryam]

I want to comment more but I'm currently pressed for time. I would not use your D in that way. If he ever found out that was your motive it could really screw you.

I'll post more later!

[BklynMom]

Thks 2tp so much for your feedback I have thought a lot about the questions you posed today. It is great to have another point of view.

DIM I have have been following your story for a while and am thinking about what you wrote. Thks so much for your post. I think you and 2tp are right that I shouldnt get my d3 to mention the bed. However I am not going to buy her a big kid bed right now and see if maybe she mentions it on her own without prompting. I'll give it a few weeks then just get her the bed.

I have been thinking a lot about 2tp comments that I may be manipulative in my M. And I dont think I am manipulative, especially with my husband - I didnt need to be manipulative, he would do whatever I asked of him. I wouldnt even have to ask - he was very dotting. I definitely abused and took him for granted but he took a lot of iniative in his (what I percived to be) over bearing dotting ways.

I was a fool. My H constantly wanted to hug me or kiss me & I would often push him away "Cant you see I am busy making dinner!! I dont have time for fun!" I did not accept his love. I am a fool! I thought we made love enough 3-4/mth but it was not enough for him, he wanted more and I rejected him on that level as well. Such a fool!

Def. stressed from "trying to do it all" type of woman. 2 kids, 2 careers - having all these ridiculous expectations for the kids eating only healthy home cooked food and no tv. It was too much for both of us.

Regarding if there were any signals that the 2x4 was coming, I would really have to say no. My H constantly told me he loved me. Constantly reassured me after my meltdown that it was okay - I was the best woman for him. Always said he had 3 girls in his life. Loved to pat my rear whenever he had the chance. I have vm & texts from just days before saying I love you baby.

When I felt some tension in our marriage I brought up this friend that was divorcing and he said "Baby that will never happen to us" & gave me a huge hug. Frankly I believed him, why would he lie? ILYBNILWY was 1 wk later. His not telling how he felt is a huge factor in this sitch and if/when we reconcile it will need to be addressed. I realize that I need to listen better and stop talking as well.

I do know that I would not be getting the help I am getting now if it wasnt for this crisis. If H had merely mentioned my issues I would be going to a crappy C that was covered by my insurance, that was convinently located, I would constantly miss appts then I would quit b/c nothing was happening. Instead I am going I go to expensive IC 2/wk, am on AD and as many ALANON meetings as I can get babysitting for. This full blown attack on my own mental health is really changing me. I have made enormous strides and cant imagine my life again with IC & ALANON. I need those things in order to be sane and not hurt the people I love.

My relationship with my parents & sister have improved dramatically. They have shown up big time & are an enormous part of why I am able to function at all. I really appreciate them & my 2 little angels more & more each day. I am so blessed.

Thks for reading & I will keep on keeping on being the woman only a fool would leave!

[Gypsy]

Hello BklynMom...

Rule 1: Never put children in the middle.

Manipulation results from insecurity. In the past I wanted my way and/or felt my way was the best but was too afraid to be straightforward. So I created a situation for success.. sorta.

Now I've learned it's better to put the cards on the table and move on. What if you asked your spouse about your daughter wanting a big girl bed and see what comes of it? Being given a choice is better than being shoe horned into a decision.

This difficult time is also an opportunity for self evaluation. This painful emotional upheaval is a great time to purge and relieve yourself of fears and hurtful habits. Face fears head on and learn to let them go.

Start by being honest. If he offers to bring something over and you don't need anything, tell him you appreciate his thoughtfulness. Simple short sentences.

Just a thought.

*hugs*

[Gypsy]

Oops... posted before I saw your post.

Keep making those positive strides. When you take care of yourself, everything else follows.

*hugs*

[BklynMom]

Gypsy thanks so much for reading & commenting on my post.

Right now I am not going to do anything to get my d to mention the bed she will most likely mention it on her own to him. If I asked him to go get a bed it wouldnt be a 180, I am trying not to tell/ask him to do anything, he needs to think of it on his own. If I make the suggestion or ask him to get the bed he will think I am pursuing and that I dont take his threats of divorce seriously. "Dont you get it its over!" Its so tricky. ugh

I am thinking a lot about what you said about just saying I dont need anything if I dont need anything. I really have to think about that one. I am naturally honest perhaps to a fault. Being "honest" is how I rationalize being mean b/c I am telling the truth. If it makes someone feel better whats wrong with asking for apple juice eventually I will need it. It does make my H feel better when he can help out - therefore he has started taking the garbage out again when he comes over.

We just had another nice interaction on the phone. He called my ds to ask them about Halloween. I do my best to engage as little as possible but since the girls are sooo little I do become a translator of sorts. There was a warmness in his voice that I havent heard in a while. My d also asked him if he had a picture phone so we could see him. H said he didnt have internet where he was. We used to do picture calls all the time but since I have stopped initiating the calls - H has initiated voice only calls. Is it too painful for him to see what he is leaving behind??

One great sign was at the end of the call tonight H said - I love you girls. It felt like subliminaly I was included with the girls since this is how he used to refer to myself & daughters. It made me happy.

Again H told girls he couldnt be there because of work which isnt a lie but...

I felt such hope tonight. Just glimmers of positive signs which I hang on to.