What do I do next?

[Accuray]

I know I shouldn't give up and I'm not, but it is hard not to see that my W wants this and not me--that she would rather go it alone than to work it out so we can be a family together. I've found it unbearable to not see and play my kids everyday and often wonder how she does it--how she blocks out the pain and sadness of not being with her kids everyday.

Your W doesn't necessarily want this, she just doesn't want to feel like she did before. She is convinced that getting back together with you will make her feel the same way she used to. It was very hard for her to get to the place where she was willing to blow everything up -- she had to travel a long road to get here emotionally. Now, she has to detach and put up a wall (and potentially be mean), because she can't sit on the fence. She's made a decision and she wants to keep reinforcing that it's the right one.

That doesn't mean that she wants this outcome, she just views it as better than what she had before.

That doesn't mean that she doesn't have doubts -- she does. She's afraid that if she gives you another chance, she'll have to go through all this pain again later if things don't really change.

That's what DB is all about:

1) Recognize that this is about her *feelings*, how she is choosing to look at the situation. You can't change that. You can convince her to be rational or scientific about it. That's the first important realization is that you can't control what she does or how she looks at it.

2) To get her back, she needs to be convinced that getting back together with you will be better than going it alone, and better than it used to be. You can't convince her with words, you need to demonstrate it. She needs to see it and believe it. In order to be willing to see it, she needs the space to be willing to look. If you're pursuing / arguing / making her feel badly, she will be focused on running and not looking.

DB requires first detaching and giving space -- primarily to make W stop running! Once you've backed off, you can become more approachable, because there isn't guilt / expectations / bad times hanging over your head like a black cloud. You become just a person again versus a cause of pain.

Secondly, DB requires real change in you, so that your partner believes that they are going forward with you, not going back to you. If you want the marriage you had the way you had it, you're done. You need to establish a new plan, a new you, and demonstrate to your W how good it can be.

Very very hard, but it's not over until it's over!

--Accuray