Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Rick1963]

((((hugs)))) Val. Hope you are doing better today. Too soon to think of any R but it must be nice to feel attracted to someone else. I think that maybe you are feeling stronger and feeling attractive yourself. All good things. Funny that you do commercials and shoot movies. Remember the movie the War of the Roses? I was a host at a restaurant were they had their get together on the opening day of that movie. I met all of the actors. A director from 21 century came up to me and asked if I was interested in a major part in some coming up movie. Unfortunatetly acting wasn't my thing. W was pissed that I said that. Look at me now I'm living the movie. Hang in there

[aeolianchaos]

Val,

I am happy that you are having success in your work life. It doesn't define you, but it sure is nice to be appreciated, right?

Your feelings of longing make good sense and are something that I think you should feel good about. I would try to savor those feelings and appreciate that you aren't numb. Honor yourself for having these desires and appreciate them.

I wouldn't act on those feelings though (at least not right now). I know you won't.

What does the ring mean for you? Do you feel better seeing yourself as still honoring your marriage in spite of your wife's decision?

Obviously the ring is symbolic, so I wonder what that symbolism is for you at this point?

[Valeska19]

@ Rick.
Yes I do feel more confident and more attractive. I think that is because I don't have w putting me down anymore. No more worrying about if I look too femme, too butch, too skinny, too fat. I can just be me and I'm finding out.. that I like me!

Too funny about your experience. The film business is fun. Doing 12-14 hr days sometimes makes it difficult to have any kind of life.

@ Aeo
Good to hear from you. I know you are going through some sh!t of your own so I appreciate you stopping by! It won't define me but I will allow the reasons that I am being appreciated will. I have dedicated myself to being a more positive person. The hard work ethic has always been there.. but the soft touch is a new addition.

No i won't pursue another r. I know I'm not ready.. my hormones can just chill out.

I don't feel the need to wear the ring as much today. Yes I do feel better seeing myself still honoring my marriage. It's who I want to be. Regardless of how this is going down... I still love my w and want to respect her and be thankful for the way she contributed to my life.. no matter the outcome.

I just feel I will be tested throughout this process. I have been seeing L fees ranging up to 10K.. I don't have that kind of money... so it's up to me to think clearly, w/o emotion and ride the wave of what is fair for both. I'm not sure I am capable.. hopefully with God's help I can..

Journaling - Speaking of that director. Going out to dinner with her tonight. Work meeting only but should prove to be a good time.

She invited me to her Halloween Party. I will have to seriously think about that. There will be ALOT of women there.. I'm not sure I want to be tempted.

So I'm officially starting to GAL the Sh!t out of my weekend (or week) RIGHT NOW! Plans include dinner tonight, kicking a$$ on set, Halloween parade in Weho on Sat, Hiking on Sun, Leadership conference on Monday, and back on "House" on Tuesday.

That should keep me pretty busy.

I am going to have to reschedule my mediation due to work. I do feel bad that it's all based around my work schedule.. however I need to work as much as possible.

I'm making the decision to take care of my own insurance (since 1) wife has threatened to remove me & 2) her offering to pay for it has clearly expired).

Plus my mom is really struggling so I'm paying to have a cleaning lady come to house once a month. I would love to pay for two but that just isn't possible.

These are not my w's problems.. they are mine but that means I have to do what I have to do.

I did think about telling w though because I really don't want her to think I'm trying to use this time to win her back or that I'm avoiding her.. but then again.. she will think what she wants regardless of what I say and do.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi Valeska-

I didn't realize the field you work in.
How awesome! It sounds like a lot of hard work, but also a lot of fun.

This W that you are attracted to is a good thing.
I think it's smart that you avoid any type of romantic interaction with her, but at least you know that you are not dead inside.

[jbnati]

So I'm officially starting to GAL the Sh!t out of my weekend (or week) RIGHT NOW! Plans include dinner tonight, kicking a$$ on set, Halloween parade in Weho on Sat, Hiking on Sun, Leadership conference on Monday, and back on "House" on Tuesday.

Love it. LOVE IT.

I'm glad to hear about all these positives for you, Val.

I understand about the attraction thing. After awhile, you really start to crave that one on one companionship. However, you are doing the right thing. Your guard should be up. It could be a slippery slope if you're guard's not up.

[Valeska19]

@ DG. It truly is awesome. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.. except for possibly being a park ranger.. idk why?

@JB - Slippery slope indeed.. but as much as I don't want to.. I still love my w. Until that has lessened.. there will be no r for me.

Journaling -
Well leave it up to w to put a taint on my GAL weekend. I'm not saying she does this purposefully.. just always seems to time out that way.

She sent me an email saying that she will be taking me off her health insurance as of December 1st. I wasn't surprised.. after she threatened me at mediation.. I knew it was a matter of time. Whatever her intentions or reasoning doesn't matter.. it still hurt.

I've come to realize that not being legally married combined with my love for my w and our union may mean that this outcome may be unfair to me.

One doesn't think at the age of 24 to have a document saying what we are entitled to should we dissolve our domestic partnership.

One doesn't think when co-buying a car with a spouse that if she doesn't want to give it to you.. she doesn't have to. That neither can move forward until the other concedes to it.

These are very painful lessons in life. Ones that I will never forget.

So the question is how do I move forward now protecting Val? The truth is that majority of my fears in regards to w comes true eventually.

In some ways it means that I need to move this D forward. Because I do see my w becoming more and more selfish. Please do not think I am spewing anger - it just is.. what it is. She has no problem doing whatever is necessary to look out for herself.

I think what I need to do first is to settle our savings account. If we were to split it 50/50... it would be slightly unfair to me. She took out more money for this separation than I did. She took out money for her way of life. She has even decided to try and even it out by saying that I should pay for my health insurance for the past 6 months... something that she willingly wanted to do when we separated.

But if I cut my losses now.. I don't have to worry about her coming up with other reasons that I can't legally combat. Not cashing a check because she thinks I should help pay for divorce costs. Who knows what she will come up with.

So I lose a couple thousand dollars.. it's better than risking the whole thing. I can build a new life with what I have.

I just want it to be done. I want to stop waiting for the bombs to drop. Stop being surprised when she does something.. even though I know it's going to happen. Stop living in fear that because I'm not legally protected.. she will take it all.

I want to stop living in fear of her. I want to move on from her.

If I just have my savings and she takes both cars and all of our stuff. I will survive. God has proven for the past 7 months that he will take of me. Financially.. emotionally.. if I can learn to rest in my faith.. there won't be any fear.

It's just stuff and not worth the stress and craziness that continues to run through my body. Having her in my life repeatidly showing me how little she cares.. is not worth it.

Does this mean I'm done.. I think so. I think I have to be. I can take back what control I can and continue to live for me.

I wanted it to be this big step.. me putting my foot down and fighting for what is fair financially. Maybe it's time to see what is fair for me emotionally.. and I think putting this behind me is.

God wants us to love, but he doesn't want us to be a doormat. He doesn't want us to put ourselves in situations where we are hurt and people treat us badly.

This is not meant to come off as saying I don't love my w or that I don't want my marriage to work... but I need to take care of myself.. and I've been trying to keep her there and manage expectations and not close the door..

.. but I need to. I need to or I will walk away with nothing. I need to or I will truly lose myself in this process.

[Valeska19]

Took my first step towards getting control over my life in this situation.

I went to the storage unit this afternoon and removed all of my stuff. When I first arrived I was nervous that it would be empty or that she would have changed the lock. Neither of those things would have surprised me.

But it was all there (minus a sleeping bag).

It was a hard process. There were some things that I wanted but remembered I gave them to her as a gift. There was a beautiful wedding card from her grandmother. I took most of the wedding stuff, but left that for w. Her grandmother loved her and me.. but she died a few years ago. I thought w should have that memory.

A g/f came with me for emotional support... and to make sure that I will still loving to me. If you think of my m as a coin (Val on one side, w on other).. my thoughts and perspective on this focus almost exclusively on w's side. Worrying that what I do will hurt her, worrying about pissing her off.

Some of these thoughts are true.. ie - it will piss her off.
Some of these thoughts are not true - hurting her. I've never done anything to purposefully hurt her.

So when I took the camping gear and our wedding stuff.. I took it knowing that it wasn't because she didn't deserve it or as a punitive or an angry move, I took what was important to me so she couldn't do anything to it.

I took it so I knew it would be safe.. and that I could have some control over what I am gaining/losing in this D.

I don't know if that makes any sense.

It was very symbolic closing the storage unit door. Shed a few tears there. As my book with my w is coming to an end.. the chapters are bittersweet.

So sad to lose her.. but also thankful to not be with a woman who made me feel unworthy.

I came across a few letters from her today addressing those issues. It's clearly something we struggled with. In some ways it validated all the feelings I have in regards to her treating me poorly.. in other ways.. it made me sad for her that it was a struggle she didn't fix.

I felt worthy today.

As I was walking to my car with my stuff in hand.. I felt some weight lift off my shoulders. I prayed all morning so I feel like God was answering.

I feel like a took a step towards the healing process.
I took a step in making sure that my w didn't control my things or the things that I cherished in our marriage.
I did it without anger towards w
I did it with love towards me.

I walked out to my car feeling more free.

Each step will be very painful, but knowing that I will feel more and more weight lift from my shoulders will be amazing. To gain more and more control over my life will be great.

It was a hard day.. but I think it was a good day too.

[Rick1963]

That's great Val. (((())))) Trying to get out of limbo land must feel good. Having control of your feelings, I miss those days. But it will happen again not sure when but it will.

"I went to the storage unit this afternoon and removed all of my stuff. When I first arrived I was nervous that it would be empty or that she would have changed the lock. Neither of those things would have surprised me"


I have been having thoughts like these^^^^^. Every time I come home from work I wonder if she changed the locks or when we go to court in a couple of weeks weather she will ask the judge to remove me? pretty sick stuff. Hang in there

[JustStunned]

Val, I recently have gone through a similar trial. I don’t have a long perspective to look back upon this from, and time has not proved the wisdom or outcome so what follows is mostly opinion.

I think most of the actions we take to secure ourselves are merely taking control of our lives in the present and enabling us to secure a more pleasant future. I equate this with detachment, for it permits me to be effected less. The more I am in control of myself and my immediate environment the less likely the wind howling outside will affect me, and the better I can begin to ignore it.

Provided we do this without rancor, in a fair and equitable manner, removing feeling of injustice and anger we enable them to detach also. They may not see it, but if we can see our actions within our sense of honor we can be at peace with it. Just as anger breeds anger, peace eventually breeds peace.

You have no control over how she will perceive your actions. There will likely be some probing for weak points. There may be some negotiation. Perceived weaknesses and emotions may be used as levers. Hold to what you believe is fair. Weakness and hand wringing are not attractive.

I believe you are doing what you believe is just. I do not perceive fault with it. I know it is difficult. Please know you are becoming a better person with each positive you perceive. They are foundation blocks for your future.

There are pitfalls and trip wires yet ahead. They will be negotiated with honor and strength

(((Val)))

[JustStunned]

Val, I intended this thought to make it in the last post.

Reflection often occurs in quiet peaceful moments. This is often when I begin to ruminate over this sitch. I wonder if our Sps don't have a similar experience. I will not set myself up for disappointment hoping for an outcome from their reflective thought, but I do hope to provide an opportunity for it.