W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[workinghardguy]

2TP... I would actually take much of that as progress. A few thoughts/comments...

I still would not leave. You are owning way to much of her crap. She is the one pushing to end this. She is the one bringing this pain on the family. Will it cause hurt? Damn straight it will. But guess, what? There's a solution to that pain - work on the M. Choose to end it with the OM. Choose your family over your own personal gratification and then work on mutual gratification within the confines of your M.

You are making this too easy on her. To be blunt, stop being a doormat.

I again say... do not leave, not voluntarily. She has tools available to her to make you leave. Make her use them if that's what she wants so damn bad. If she wants you out, she can file for divorce or separation and request that as part of the order. You walk out now then she, yet again, does not have to actually do anything about her sitch.

DBing is really about you, not about her. It's about making a life for you. If you want to be in the house, with your kids then do that. If you want to be away from the drama, then do that.

This is where the power of the detachment comes into play... and you do not appear anywhere nearly enough detached in your post.

I tell her that if I'm out of the picture, what is she going to do during times like this?

What does it matter? That is HER problem, let her figure it out. You are owning the concern about this - don't. She's a big girl and wants to be on her own. This is part of that.

She says she'll be fine! But will she?

Again, she said she'll be fine. But you feel the need to own whether she will or not. Stop assuming any responsibility for how she feels or acts. She is choosing to feel and act this way. There are ways she can not feel this way. Life is about choices and living with the choices we make. Yes, you may have hurt her in the past but she was complicit in this too. But you're working on improving and what is she doing? Own yourself and let her own herself.

I can't help but feel like part of her current emotional turmoil is being caused by pressure she is getting from the OM.

Ok... and this is the one that got me the most... So you are going to move out in order to ease the pressure between her and the OM? Seriously? What? You're worried that it won't work out between those two? That some rain is coming into their sunny field? C'mon 2TP... stop taking the bait... stop being the caretaker.

Think of it this way... what if OM walked into your house right now and said, "Hey, you being here is really putting a kink in this thing between your W and me. Think you could help a fellow out by moving out of YOUR house and leaving YOUR kids? Thanks chap, I appreciate it".

Personally, I would hope you'd lay him out and then toss his a$$ on the sidewalk. But based on your post above you're actually willing to say "ok... just let me get my things".

Her breaking down is because the Piper is coming to collect his bill. LET HER PAY IT. She will either have to:
a) continue to tolerate the limbo
b) terminate the OM and continue limbo
c) terminate the OM and re-engage you
d) actually DO something and file for D or S.

It sounds to me like you're doing everything to avoid option d. But how is you moving out really any different than option d? Divorce/Separation is just the legal codification of what already essentially exists. Don't focus on it and don't be afraid of it. Embrace it, acknowledge it, and realize you will be ok after it because the new, better, stronger you CAN do this!

You've been DBing and working this. Don't collapse under the pressure. Be the man she needs you to be, which includes not folding like a house of cards when the pressure gets turned up.

What triggered you to work on you? Crisis. Your W dropping the bomb which created an immediate crisis. So now your W is going to have her time of crisis. She is going to have to do something that puts her at odds with who she wants to be. This means she will have to change.

I am not promising she will change into something you want or recognize... but by saving her from her SELF-IMPOSED crisis, you are making things way to easy on her and saving her from having to face any type of change.