W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

God give me strength!

This morning after getting the boys off to school, I hear my wife sobbing uncontrollably and it goes on for quite awhile. So I go upstairs and knock on her door and ask to come in. She pulls it together and allows me in. I ask her what has her so upset and she looses it again! All I can do is hold her. It is literally breaking my heart to see her in such absolute pain.

She calms down some and we start to talk and all she can say is we need $$ and one of has to move! I reassure that $$ is not a problem and she says then one of us has to move.

She clearly is stressed about her parents coming in a few weeks and things not being settled between us. She is also stressed about the children and how they will react when they too get the bomb. She said that she feels terrible that our youngest son apologizes to her for being scared and waking her up in the middle of the night.

She starts crying uncontrollably again and I reach out to hold her again. She tells me that she is so angry and hurt and that she can not take it any more. I validate and try to assure her that I don't want to hurt her anymore and she says it has been going on for too many years. I tell her that I am sorry that I didn't realize how long she had been angry and hurt. She said that she has learned that she is great at hiding it.

I ask her what has to happen for her to feel comfortable when her parents arrive and she gets visibly angry at this and says quit trying to analyze me! This BTW is something my DB coach suggested I do. I tell my W that I am not trying to analyze, I just want to help her so she won't be so upset.

She reiterates that one of us needs to move, this week! I ask her what the goal is here and she says that we need to move forward with the separation and then on to the D! She says she wants to reassure the boys that we will continue to be loving and supportive parents and that we will see each other every day and that they can stay where they want.

She goes on to say that she sees what I have been doing (i.e. changes with the boys) and it is great! And she goes on to say that it is very clear that I am trying really hard to change my behavior but it is too late for us. I need to do this for myself and the children but not for her. She also says that she knows that I never intentionally meant to hurt her but she is hurt and angry and it is too late for us!

I asked her if she has spoken to her mother yet and she starts to cry again and says that she can't get the words out, that she has tried but she can't do it! She says "look at me, I'm a wreck!" "I am this close to totally losing it!"

Now I am scared myself. I tell her that if I'm out of the picture, what is she going to do during times like this? I tell her that I am very concerned for her. She says she'll be fine! But will she? I ask her if she is getting any sleep at night and she says no, are you? I tell her, very little sleep for me too. I asked her what is it that triggers her to be so upset and she doesn't really answer that question.

I feel so helpless and I'm beginning to doubt that any of this DB'ng is doing any good. Maybe even more harm than good. I feel like my actions (180's and GAL) are creating additional guilt and it is more than she can handle!

Late last night after everyone was in bed, I start to hear voices coming from up stairs, so I go out into the main part of the house and hear my W talking on the phone to someone. I can't make out what she is saying but there are long periods of time where she is the one doing the talking followed by long periods of silence (presumably the person on the other end doing the talking). Of course I'm sure this is the OM, the one she is having the EA with.

I can't help but feel like part of her current emotional turmoil is being caused by pressure she is getting from the OM. For all I know he is saying you've got to make a move... for us! And this is creating great conflict in her mind. I wonder how much of what she believes is this long buried hurt and anger is being fueled by the OM! And possibly by her IC.

I told her that I care deeply for her and that if what is needed is for me to leave then I will be out by the end of the week. And with that I end the conversation.

As I type this, I no longer hear her crying. Maybe that is what she needed; some reassurance that things will move forward.

Again, I am beginning to have my doubts that DB will work in my situation. After all, we have been M for 18 years. If my W has been angry and hurt for as long as she says, maybe there is no hope for us.

Sigh!