What do I do next?

[luvhurts49]

Yeah, my W doesn't really care about money so much, but it basically comes down to either we work things out, we come to some kind of quick agreement, or this gets dragged out and we both lose everything and file for bankruptcy.

One thing that I have noticed is that my W will post some rather mean comments on Facebook at odd hours (between 2-4am). Now it doesn't matter if it's when she has the kids that night or even if she has to work in the morning. She has confessed that she doesn't sleep well and things about our situation all day at work. The thing that bothers me though, if she is having trouble sleeping because of what's happening between us, then why does she feel the need to make mean comments (obviously directed at me)?

[luvhurts49]

Well, today I get to officially hire my lawyer so I could respond to being served. When my W dropped off my youngest S this morning, I wanted to make one, last ditch effort of making sure my she wanted to do this, but I didn't (don't know why). I just know that in a day or two, her mood is gonna swing and things will probably never get better between us.

I know I shouldn't give up and I'm not, but it is hard not to see that my W wants this and not me--that she would rather go it alone than to work it out so we can be a family together. I've found it unbearable to not see and play my kids everyday and often wonder how she does it--how she blocks out the pain and sadness of not being with her kids everyday.

So today begins the first day of the end of our marriage (in my eyes). Although I will never give up on my W or our M, it just doesn't look very promising and it's a shame that the real victims of this D will likely be out kids and the thought of that hurts more than anything.

[Rick1963]

She is making mean comments because she is hurting.Don't take it personally. I know the feeling. When I was served 9/6/11 I picked up the paperwork at the Sherriff's dep. I was so depressed and could not believe it. We go to court 11/16. It is a sureal moment. I have heard that WAS sometimes change their midns when they see what everyone will be losing. Money is very important to my W. Remember your W is in a fog as much as you are. That wall the built is to protect themselves. Do not ask her if she has changed her mind, she hasn't and it will push her away. hang in there

[luvhurts49]

In response to my W saying that our house didn't feel like her home anymore (the previous week), I did tell her this morning that it would feel like her home only if she let it. She responded by saying that I haven't made it feel like her home for some time. She then started to say something else, but was walking out the door at the time and shut it behind herself before even finishing.

[luvhurts49]

Well, I did it. I went down and hired my lawyer. I had so many thoughts going through my head on the way there. Never would I have thought that I would ever need a D lawyer--I hate the thought of it now that it's already done. Best case scenario, we spend 10k and get back together. Worst case, we spend everything, lose the house, go bankrupt, and still get D and she probably gets custody and CS--not good for me. Ya know, I just realized, besides my house, car, and motorcycle, that (the retainer) is the most I've ever spent on anything. It's really sad when you think about it--your spending a lot of money in order to get rid of something you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.

[Rick1963]

Hang in there Luv, this all stinks but it is not all hopeless. You can go to mediation and it might be cheaper. So it looks like 5000$ is the going price in every state, huh? D is bad for everyone, including the W. Everyone suffers.

[Accuray]

I know I shouldn't give up and I'm not, but it is hard not to see that my W wants this and not me--that she would rather go it alone than to work it out so we can be a family together. I've found it unbearable to not see and play my kids everyday and often wonder how she does it--how she blocks out the pain and sadness of not being with her kids everyday.

Your W doesn't necessarily want this, she just doesn't want to feel like she did before. She is convinced that getting back together with you will make her feel the same way she used to. It was very hard for her to get to the place where she was willing to blow everything up -- she had to travel a long road to get here emotionally. Now, she has to detach and put up a wall (and potentially be mean), because she can't sit on the fence. She's made a decision and she wants to keep reinforcing that it's the right one.

That doesn't mean that she wants this outcome, she just views it as better than what she had before.

That doesn't mean that she doesn't have doubts -- she does. She's afraid that if she gives you another chance, she'll have to go through all this pain again later if things don't really change.

That's what DB is all about:

1) Recognize that this is about her *feelings*, how she is choosing to look at the situation. You can't change that. You can convince her to be rational or scientific about it. That's the first important realization is that you can't control what she does or how she looks at it.

2) To get her back, she needs to be convinced that getting back together with you will be better than going it alone, and better than it used to be. You can't convince her with words, you need to demonstrate it. She needs to see it and believe it. In order to be willing to see it, she needs the space to be willing to look. If you're pursuing / arguing / making her feel badly, she will be focused on running and not looking.

DB requires first detaching and giving space -- primarily to make W stop running! Once you've backed off, you can become more approachable, because there isn't guilt / expectations / bad times hanging over your head like a black cloud. You become just a person again versus a cause of pain.

Secondly, DB requires real change in you, so that your partner believes that they are going forward with you, not going back to you. If you want the marriage you had the way you had it, you're done. You need to establish a new plan, a new you, and demonstrate to your W how good it can be.

Very very hard, but it's not over until it's over!

--Accuray

[luvhurts49]

Thank you Accuray, you're like a ray of freakin sunshine. One on the problems that I have is I need to be reassured and "talked up" in order to feel better sometimes and I greatly appreciate everybody here being so friendly and helpful.

I know there isn't anything I can do to change her mind, but it goes against my nature to just "sit on my hands" as it were. I am trying to make changes in myself as I see that they are not only not desirable, but I also am starting to see them in my oldest son as well. Hopefully I can do this for the right reasons and not just to get my W back.

@Rick: It seems that 5k (each side) is about the minimum to get a D. My lawyer said that if there are any complications, it could easily get to 8-10k which wipes me out. But then again, I didn't go with the cheapest lawyer, instead I went with a good lawyer.

[Accuray]

That's the first time I've been called a ray of sunshine for sure -- I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Although I researched by a$$ off to figure out how to stop my divorce, I certainly didn't follow my own advice as well as I would have hoped. In fact, I made lots of mistakes (and continue to). I caught some breaks for sure because OM left on his own and sealed off contact, and because my W wasn't quite as decided as she initially indicated.

The point is to realize you WILL make mistakes and backslide, that's human. You just have to double your resolve when it happens. You have to start planning your conversations and measuring your responses, versus following your emotions, which is your instinct. That's hard. Nothing could be more personal or closer to your heart than your marriage, so it's hard to back off and treat it like a dispassionate project you're involved in, but that's kind of what it takes.

WRT the $10K (combined), my sister said the same thing in Illinois. She also said that the shame of it is that no matter how much each side "lawyers up", everyone basically ends up with the same outcome. She had hoped they could skip the lawyers and just use a mediator, but the mediator said that in that scenario one party or the other can later contest the divorce on the basis that they didn't understand their rights, so they insist on representation.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

No, I wasn't being sarcastic. Sometimes having that outside, uber-positive voice helps. I have no doubts that I will continue to make mistakes and it will probably push my W further away, but I will still do what I need to do for me and my kids. Right now she gets angry at every little thing and I have to remember to just back-off and walk away. It's very hard, but what other choices do I have?

Yeah, it's really sad when you think about how much it is going to cost to just say we split everything. By the time we get done, we will have lost our life savings, our house, our credit, and our sanity. I heard something the other day and it made a lot of sense--it should only take 30 minutes to get a D, but to get M, you should have to take classes, hire a L, and talk to a MC before you are able to tie the knot.