New here....Major Vent

[adinva]

Hi Arkansasguy - I was just reading your thread bc I was a ld wife and I could relate with your w's side of your story. My H became passive aggressive and resentful for a lot of reasons but probably a primary one was unsatisfying sex life. Now he has completely withheld sex now since his vasectomy in February. He's withheld all affection of any kind since the bomb in June.

Anyway, I can second all the reasons others here gave you. W is probably depressed, doesn't feel sexy bc of her weight gain, tired from working. I found a million reasons - something happened during the day that I was resentful about, or we got in an argument right before bed, or the kids would hear, or it was late, birth control issues, or... And then I felt bad too because I knew I was disappointing my H, and that led me to feel even more insecure. Toward the end I started trying on my own to figure out ways to get more comfortable - I tried putting on music so the kids wouldn't hear, but I think that annoyed him. I tried telling him a specific way that I really enjoyed being kissed, and I think he took that as criticism. I say "I think" instead of "I know" because we also had difficulty communicating - it was very hard to talk about intimate things and I think my efforts hurt his self-esteem so that he just shut down.

So I read with interest your side and how you're trying to solve this problem in your marriage. I can tell you that the whining and resentment is 100% unattractive. If my h suggested that he would only be attending a family function depending on "your actions in the next few hours" there is NO WAY I would have been able to respond positively to that. I would have felt threatened, turned off, unloved, and kind of grossed out by the quid pro quo of it.

You also do a lot of comparing and justifying. You seem to think she should not be tired because you're doing as much as she is. You are not her. You don't get to dictate when she's tired or what she's good at handling. Now, you're not going to be able to change her by insisting on change, but you CAN change you and thus change the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. Try reframing things in your mind. Do the things you do because you can, and because you're good at them, and because you love her. Stop bean counting.

Do you love her? By how you describe her, she sounds completely unattractive. Her behavior as you describe it is petty, mean, unaffectionate, angry and resentful. If you want to be married to her, think of the things you can adore in her right now, and focus on them. Tell her what they are and see if she responds to those words.

Try touch - tell her one day that you absolutely don't want sex that day or the next so she can relax, and try different kinds of touch to see if she responds positively. A hug instead of a kiss goodbye. A touch on the arm. Compliment her hair while you brush it behind her ear. These are just ideas. I can tell you in a marriage where you know you're not satisfying your partner, every single touch - a footrub, hug, or brushing past in the kitchen means he's going to be expecting sex soon - the only way to avoid it is to find busy things to stay up till it's too late or else start an argument (I didn't do these things with intent...it was like I couldn't stop myself). If you have a promise that there won't be any followup demand, perhaps that will create some safe time for you to explore what helps her feel loved.

I can also tell you there are no quick fixes here. You've done something to cause extreme resentment in her...and you know what she's done to cause extreme resentment in you. You have an uphill battle to get over that and you're the only one working on it for now. But on this board you'll find others who have successfully gotten through this, and you'll do well to listen to them.

Do what works and don't do what doesn't. Have you found anything that makes her smile or act a little more warmly toward you?

You should feel proud that you're being so patient and working hard to save your marriage, especially for your kids.