GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

I just want to thank everyone for these posts and the love and well wishes. I'm sorry to all those who went through the loss of a pet. It's heartbreaking but the price we have to pay for all that love from them.

I have an appt for her at 11:15am today, so I will know more then. The pain meds I have given her have done wonders in that she is walking around pretty normally and she's active and happy, purring, eating well, etc. I am so glad I had them on hand to get her through the weekend.

This whole situation has taught me one thing that I guess I hadn't learned yet: that while I am really ok and living my life entirely on my own and feeling very detached from XH, that when something really big goes wrong, I feel that pull of attachment to him in a strong way. My mom said "don't you think it's just that you need SOMEONE to help you, not necessarily him?" Well, yes and no.

I think the main thing I have learned is that I've been spouting off for a long time that I don't need anyone in my life to be "happy" or "at peace", and I can really make it just with friends and family and don't need a partner. I've said this to make myself feel better, and to stop other people who don't know what my life is like from pitying me. I've also said it because I really can't control "getting" a partner.

But the reality of the situation is that I am lonely. I miss having someone here. This situation has made me feel VERY isolated despite the emails and phone, friends and family.

I get this way when I get sick too. I feel a lot of jealousy of other people. I mean, my parents can't stand each other, but neither of them would ever decide to leave the other. The presence of another human being in close proximity is some measure of comfort.

I guess what I'm saying is that this situation has taught me that I have to soften up and admit to myself that it's ok to want a person in my life and to feel sad that I don't have that. Feeling that way doesn't make me a princess or a wussy dependent female. It just makes me human, and humans crave connection.