One thing that may happen when we change is that we no longer need, and may no longer even want the WAS in our lives. This is not the same as stopping loving them, or being angry with them, or not wanting them in our lives because they have hurt us.
And I think that detaching through our changes is frightening for us. If we have had a long and good marriage prior to MLC [and I am talking at least 20years plus] as a fair number of posters here have had, there is a long habit of loving which is part of who we are. Letting go of that is both difficult and frightening.
BTW I am not trivialising MLC which happens in shorter relationships - the pain is just as intense after 3 years as it is after 30. It is just that the habits of our adult life are very very ingrained, and when we change these, we may shift our whole personality, which is deeply disturbing at first. At least I found it to be so.
So I think some resistance to changing ourselves can come from fear of how we will feel after we have changed. I liked loving my xh and my marriage and all that was in it. I didn't want to give up those warm and happy feelings of being connected deeply to him.
Our internalised changes may take us on a very different path, into the unknown. We have to make them, no question about it, if we are to survive and prosper. But it is extremely hard emotionally, to let go.
