Looking for the silver lining...

[irishblessings]

Crazy busy weekend with my kids - GREAT time though! Good conversations with my girls' regarding their father. Apparently his gf is helping him coach middle school ball. Apparently she is to provide "motivation"!!??? Anyway - to describe the social ineptitude on both his and her part would take hours. Friends were texting girls and me regarding the run-ins they had with ow. Speechless! Girls and I talked and they felt that their dad - who came from a VERY socially inept and actually strange family - was trying to go back and "own" that part of himself. They said - "Mom, you normalized his life and he couldn't deal! That's why he has told us he wishes we had been raised differently - in other words - HIS WAY - which would have made us miserable!" I still feel as though I am walking around in a haze sometimes - just doesn't seem real.

Today I drove 8 hours round trip to take son to Chicago for college showcase. He told his dad that he didn't feel comfortable driving with him. His dad said he was "hurt" but he would deal. I was thinking about what I would have done if the positions were reversed. If I wanted a relationship with my child and they weren't responding the way I wanted I think, I hope I would still show up to everything until the time my child changed their mind or softened. I would want to be consistent on every level and SHOW that I wouldn't want to miss a thing. Instead - XH finds something else to do with OW. I don't understand it. Never will.

There is a great book I have read for many months during this awful time - it's called "When He Leaves..." I have re-read it several times - each time taking something new from it. Today I read this line that just hit me - "Just as I continually recommitted to love in my marriage, I am continually recommitting to forgive in my divorce." When this whole downward spiral began - I remember moments of such clarity where I KNEW I had to forgive in order to keep the family together. And when I did I felt so good about myself and my choice. I need to get there in this divorce.

Hope everyone has a great week!