Took my first step towards getting control over my life in this situation.
I went to the storage unit this afternoon and removed all of my stuff. When I first arrived I was nervous that it would be empty or that she would have changed the lock. Neither of those things would have surprised me.
But it was all there (minus a sleeping bag).
It was a hard process. There were some things that I wanted but remembered I gave them to her as a gift. There was a beautiful wedding card from her grandmother. I took most of the wedding stuff, but left that for w. Her grandmother loved her and me.. but she died a few years ago. I thought w should have that memory.
A g/f came with me for emotional support... and to make sure that I will still loving to me. If you think of my m as a coin (Val on one side, w on other).. my thoughts and perspective on this focus almost exclusively on w's side. Worrying that what I do will hurt her, worrying about pissing her off.
Some of these thoughts are true.. ie - it will piss her off. Some of these thoughts are not true - hurting her. I've never done anything to purposefully hurt her.
So when I took the camping gear and our wedding stuff.. I took it knowing that it wasn't because she didn't deserve it or as a punitive or an angry move, I took what was important to me so she couldn't do anything to it.
I took it so I knew it would be safe.. and that I could have some control over what I am gaining/losing in this D.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
It was very symbolic closing the storage unit door. Shed a few tears there. As my book with my w is coming to an end.. the chapters are bittersweet.
So sad to lose her.. but also thankful to not be with a woman who made me feel unworthy.
I came across a few letters from her today addressing those issues. It's clearly something we struggled with. In some ways it validated all the feelings I have in regards to her treating me poorly.. in other ways.. it made me sad for her that it was a struggle she didn't fix.
I felt worthy today.
As I was walking to my car with my stuff in hand.. I felt some weight lift off my shoulders. I prayed all morning so I feel like God was answering.
I feel like a took a step towards the healing process. I took a step in making sure that my w didn't control my things or the things that I cherished in our marriage. I did it without anger towards w I did it with love towards me.
I walked out to my car feeling more free.
Each step will be very painful, but knowing that I will feel more and more weight lift from my shoulders will be amazing. To gain more and more control over my life will be great.
It was a hard day.. but I think it was a good day too.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
