Just journaling again because4 I have to. Spent the day cleaning and organizing. A relative of H's came over to pick up some stuff for Halloween and seemed kind of nervous. He asked me to talk privately with them, they he just blurted out that I'd be okay without H. This relative was around through the crisis over the summer. He sort of talked to us both and provided us with feedback. I now keep all of my issues to myself because I know that family and friends can just cause more issues.
I asked him what he was alluding to, then he said that H told him a little about what's going on. H kept saying that he loved me, but that he wanted to leave. Again, he kept flip flopping. H's relative told him that I would be alright, and if he wanted to go that he should go. He also told H that he wouldn't ever be able to replace me. He told him that he wasn't happy, and the relative asked him why. Not surprisingly, he got no response.
I told the relative that I appreciated the info, and that I would figure out things on my own. This is typical behavior of H. I also realize that constantly confronting causes him to run away - its like we have a mother son relationship in many ways.
One highlight of the day came after I starting searching for information on serial cheaters. I found a blog of sorts that had over 100 responses from women in eerily similar situations. The outcome was always the same - more cheating, more lies, more heartbreak. The kids got up from their naps at about the same time and just wanted me to hold them for awhile. It was just a relief - I felt so free! Like I finally accepted the future that we have ahead of us. My life will be so much better without being preoccupied with H and his deceitful ways.
H didn't come home until after 8PM. I was folding laundry and said hi to him. He stood and helped me to fold, then he heated up dinner for himself. We watched only one show before he started snoring. He'd been drinking all day.
Before he conked out for the evening, H said that he wanted to go trick or treating with me and the kids. Usually he stays home to hand out candy and that was the plan until just now. I'm pretty impartial as its good for the kids to spend time with their dad.
I had to tell H to go to bed 5 or 6 times before he finally got up. I'm not looking forward to sleeping in the same bed as him, but I can't do the couch thing again. He'll likely be in a coma by the time I go to bed anyways.
Tomorrow starts bright and early for me. I felt much better getting 'ready' for the day, so I'm going to keep this up permanently. Tomorrow should be a fun day for myself and the kids. Its easier for me to say that I don't care what H thinks or how he feels. In my mind I have completely let go, but my heart has to catch up.
In a perfect world, he would realize the error of his ways after seeing me and the kids move on. But I know that this is not likely. If he wants his fun and his freedom over his family, then so be it. I'm not going to hold him back anymore.
