Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[Rick1963]

You handle today with dignity. You are the grown up here. I know it svcks that we have todo the work make changes and take the high road. But that is the hand dealt to us. I think the feelings come from us not feeling worthy. They feed of of that to justify their actions. You are worthy of love and affection do not forget that. Hang in there

[In_Shock]

yes yes yes yes WHG. That's exactly right. She told me the other day she feels nothing for me. Guess she doesn't.

I would MUCH rather have anger....this is so COLD.

[In_Shock]

thanks rick. I'm trying to believe I'm worthy. I wish I knew how to really really detach.


I actually have other things to worry about/take care of other than my crappy R with her, but it is all-consuming at times.

I want to be like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory---- now HE"S a detached guy.

[25yearsmlc]

I am still in bed but haven't been able to sleep any more. I put in a dvd of the big bang theory.

Does every new part of this horrific journey hurt as much????

nope...trust me, it does get better...it's just that a lot of your "Shock" has passed and reality is setting in & THAT hurts...but it passes, to a large extent...

Thanks RIck for checking in on me. I just don't know how to handle today - but I know it's going to be a hard one....

WOW. She couldn't even wait until she moved out. Unbelievable. I NEVER thought she would/could hurt me so much. I had come out of a bad relationship a couple of years before I met W and I purposely picked her b/c she was NICE. To be honest, I thought she was kind of 'bland'-- SAFE......ON PURPOSE I WANTED THAT. True full confession time....i wasn't impressed with her at first, I was just so happy someone nice REALLY REALLY liked me and treated me like a queen.


Don't you dare forget this^^^^! IT IS REALITY (YES - EVEN NOW)! Still is...read that again and again.

She wasn't so safe, okay...but she was NOT THE BE ALL AND END ALL....remember that. You have a son and that part hurts like hell... but deep down you know you deserve better. IT's a drag to start over -we know - but even if you two reconcile, you'll be starting over.



I thought I was in control.

control is over rated...plus it's an illusion, so maybe that's why I say it's overrated...not that you "lost it", it's that you never had it. You control YOU...same as always.

Go figure. But WHY does it have to affect my S????????

Well mary, that happens in m's with kids. If the M breaks up the kids are caught in the middle. I mean, it is what it is. You know this. You're saying "s4's pain makes it worse" BUT some of that is being projected onto him. HE doesn't know what's going on that much yet. Yet...

So Can you lessen the damage to him? Sure.

for now, the best thing you can for HIM, is take care of YOU...otherwise he'll have two AWOL parents. (Your w is too preoccupied now)...

Make sense?


Tears tears tears.......

sorry Mary...hope you're taking GOOD care of yourself... Going anywhere this coming month?

[In_Shock]

[u][/u]wanted needed to go to philly, but i had decided that even though it's not THAT much $$, I am going to have to cut wayyyyyyy back in preparation for the perhaps 40% lower standard of living I keep hearing about.....

THis AM when she came home she said she is going to sell the house. I've said before, I have paid half the mortgage, even if my name is not on it. I would like to keep the house, kind of as a .....what if she comes back, it's still our home....but at the same time......would it just be better to start myself fresh somewhere new? I'm conflicted.

Yes, S is THE most important thing to me. I realize I'm projecting some of my pain onto him. I will try to do my best to fight for him and to make sure --- and i have been---that he knows how much I love him.

I really do not think she has thought the reality through of living with her and S alone. I have been the one who gets to spend an average of 5 or more hours with him per day. Much of it alone in the past few months! She barely sees him most days.

Ugh.......if i can just keep putting one foot in front of the other......I'm just not sure i have the strength to do the actual things i will have to do...moving, etc..... My life has fallen apart and I'm terrified.

[In_Shock]

that's the great thing about this bittersweet site. Everyone here understands the same type of emotions....the gamut has been run by all of us.

It's the betrayal by the person who knew us best. It's the loss of dreams, future plans, and those abstract things more than even the physical items (like the house, etc...)

I'm just in enormous pain right now because I'm pretty sure it's over. (at least for now, right?) She told me the ILYBNILWU and that it takes two people to work on things and she doesn't want to. She said she has been 'emotionally ready to leave' for a year.

Hey, 25--- she said our common therapist has been pushing her and the OW together for about a year....that was a new one on me. WTF???????????????? Again, she says the therapist said I'm toxic....(not the R, ME) The betrayal by the therapist is almost as bad as the betrayal by W.

Believe me, I will find a new therapist asap, but hell, who can I trust???

25, did you ever go to the livestrong site and look at one of those articles on detachment? I'm made comments there. Check it out.

(((((hugs)))))) to all of us here dealing with such pain. Pray for me.... please...that I will make it. *not being dramatic but i feel as horrible/worse than the day of the bomb. Perhaps it is the reality setting in.

How do u do the first thanksgiving without W? Xmas? NY?
U live. U learn. Gotta stop rambling. Just journaling.....it does help.

and ROMB has been awesome...;)

[In_Shock]

Regarding my quote: "I had come out of a bad relationship a couple of years before I met W and I purposely picked her b/c she was NICE. To be honest, I thought she was kind of 'bland'-- SAFE......ON PURPOSE I WANTED THAT. True full confession time....i wasn't impressed with her at first, I was just so happy someone nice REALLY REALLY liked me and treated me like a queen."

25 u are absolutely right. She is NOT the be all end all. Not even close. She was supposed to be the one who would always want me. Fight for us. She really did treat me SO well. She adored me. But honestly...*full confession time again* it took me quite a while to fall in love with her. She was persistent in her kindness, she was sweet....and eventually I gave in. She was the one who wanted ME!!!! I was a free spirit.

How does it change to this? I don't know. My brother told me today to TAKE BACK that upper hand.

I'm going to GO DARK -- as dark as I can in the same house (for now anyway) ----- What do u guys think???? I will put S to bed at night and then go to 'my' room. Speak with W as little as possible --- while remaining pleasant. Stop inviting her to do things with 'us' (DB coach had me involving her in family things remember) Stop going out to dinner with her weekly.....END that right now.

Perhaps she will miss the good. Perhaps. But I will save ME.

Damn, 25, I really really really wanted to go to philly. Part of it also was the several extra thousand dollars my sick doggie racked up recently. Diabetes, almost died, etc......

I feel like JOB, LOL but as an agnostic, WHO/WhAT is testing me? And who/what do I rail against???? LOL.....jk.....I'm starting to BELIEVE again in something.

Pray.

[In_Shock]

and before anyone asks--- i had put off getting a L. I am calling TOMORROW. Period.

[25yearsmlc]

see the L, and I REALLY wish you'd get to Philly b/c A LOT of what you're going through would be way way more manageable...and for what you are getting, about the best way to spend money I can think of EVEN Given, the givens...

but like you said, one foot in front of the other...

((( )))

PS tell the t what your w said to you. Then let her know how it made you feel and sever the r.

Even if t denies it...you can't trust her even if w is lying. stinks...

[jbnati]

Does every new part of this horrific journey hurt as much????

No, it doesn't. Trust me on this one. I think the more you start doing for yourself and coming into your own, you realize who you are and this doesn't define you. Also, over time, the shock value does wear off.

You are worthy of love and affection do not forget that.

I absolutley agree with this. 300%.

She wasn't so safe, okay...but she was NOT THE BE ALL AND END ALL....remember that. You have a son and that part hurts like hell... but deep down you know you deserve better. IT's a drag to start over -we know - but even if you two reconcile, you'll be starting over.

^^^^This is good stuff.

I would like to keep the house, kind of as a .....what if she comes back, it's still our home....but at the same time......would it just be better to start myself fresh somewhere new?

Maybe so. With or without her. If were able to get to the point of starting over WITH her, it may not be such a bad thing to start over at a new place.

I'm going to GO DARK -- as dark as I can in the same house (for now anyway) ----- What do u guys think???? I will put S to bed at night and then go to 'my' room. Speak with W as little as possible --- while remaining pleasant. Stop inviting her to do things with 'us' (DB coach had me involving her in family things remember) Stop going out to dinner with her weekly.....END that right now.

Perhaps she will miss the good. Perhaps. But I will save ME.

I am curious what your DB coach would say now? It seems like going as dark as you can may be a good thing. It sounds like it may help YOU. However, maybe she would miss the good. Also, it may give her some space she needs.

I agree - you need to get a new therapist yesterday. IMO it sounds like your therapist could be defined as toxic.

I am SO sorry you're going though all of this. Sending hugs your way ((()))

I am praying for you.