New here; husband left

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[Accuray]

TMC25,

You have sent letters in the past with poor results. The key thing here is that you have to show instead of tell. You must prove through action that you are changing yourself for the better, and have a new approach to the relationship. That said, it can often make you feel better to write the letter. If so, write it but do not send it. Look at what you wrote in a week and see if you still want to send it.

With your church situation, it sounds like your H was abusive. Tell us more about the history of your M. What do you like best about your H? What do you like least? What were the sources of friction in your M?

Stay strong, the best thing you can do right now is give space and work on you.

Accuray

[TMC25]

My H was never abusive. It has onl been VERY recently that he has started speaking to me this way. And it is often now. This last year he has become a bully. I would ask him why are you being mean to me like that and he would reply that he was trying to make me tough. kind of a joke? Im a really sensitive person. My H and I met young in our late teens eary 20s and were engaged when i was 20 and married when i was 21 he was 22. Right from the time we met we were bf. Really. Totaly in sink. sex was great, same morals, alot of the same friends, same wants. We confided in each other, shared dreams and plans. The things that i loved most about him (besides his looks was his character. He had so much intgrity. He was so sweet and caring and protective. I had never met anyone like him. What i like least about him is this "new" side. He bullys me to try to get what he wants. He is nasty. He is cowardly and childish in how he has treated me through this divorce. All the text threats. Please. what is that about. This is sooo not like him. In our marriage we have recently been strugglein about where extra money should go, our schedules, careers and wants. All very recently with in the last 6-7 months i guess after the baby was born. I heard today that he has been talking to his sis who he is living with that he never really wanted to get married. that he felt pressured from his family. Ouch. this hurts soooo bad. i dont really believe that. i was there i would have known. he keeps throwing out all these excuses as to why he is doing this to other people. like he is trying to justify it and feel less guilty. i dont know what to think about that

[Coyote]

I've ben mostly a lurker for the last 6 years on this board (never posted much) but I thought maybe I could share a bit in thanks to those who have helped with their wisdom over the years.

What I find interesting is yet again I could plant my XW's name in your post and it would fit her to a tee. Sorry you're going through this, I've been there too. (Like many others here.)

Does this help knowing that your H fits a pattern? Probably not so much. However, for me, it did help me to find out that the feelings I was going through were actually perfectly normal for this kind of screwed up situation. It really helped to know that I was in fact 'normal' and not some screwed up aberation. You sound pretty normal to me.

When hit by this kind of bomb we often feel alone. Like there's something wrong with ourselves. That there is nothing else that matters in life. Heck, some people even close to us tell us to get over it like it was a high school romance. This is normal too.

Does it get better? Yes, it does. Not over night but it sure helps to make a choice and get started on on doing things differently...now. 'Do I choose to try to move ahead or not?'

If it helps, make a list of things you would 'like' to do but haven't gotten around to doing. Some voluteer work you've been meaning to do? An art class perhaps? Martial arts? Skydiving? (Physical activity really helps here as well. Riding a bicycle to work every day ended up being my thing.)

Yes, you can't control your H, or even coerce him if he's like this so don't even bother (Yes, your H sounds like a typical MLC.) Take the high road. Be diplomatic. Be polite. Try not to fight with your H. Once you start fighting with H, trying to reason with H when they're like this just gets more ridiculous. (Sorry, had to have a chuckle there...just remembering some of the crazy things XW would say...)

However, when they start being abusive tell them to 'knock it off!' or 'That is not acceptible, if you can't talk to me like a human being right now come back when you can and no sooner!' Just leave it at that. (I had to learn that one. XW was a wonderful person before she changed. But she became a person who was not so nice. Became abusive actually. In short, I had to learn to tell her to knock it off too. You don't need to be mean but you must be firm. You're not a personal punching bag. Doesn't mean you hate H but sometimes you have to stand your ground.)

One thing I found 'very' interesting was that in the end it was actually, for the most part, not my fault. Yes, there were things I could have done better (No doubt!) but in the end it was all about XW. (This is quite common, actualy.) It would have happened anyway no matter how good I was. And, as I found out in the end, I'm pretty darn good anyway! From what I've seen, sounds like you are too.

In short, If you find yourself mulling over what you could have done here or there...perhaps it would have been better if I would have done such and such...stop. It was all about them in the first place. They're going to do their own thing and that's that. You just start takin' a look at you. Let H do his thing,

H may comeback to you but then again H may not. Can't promise. But if you don't start taking steps to point yourself in a good direction you stand no chance. Hope this has been some help,

Coyote

[Accuray]

Agree with Coyote, you should not allow yourself to be bullied or demeaned. You need to stand up for yourself -- your H needs to respect you. He may get angry or upset when you do, but he will feel better about you afterwards, people can't be in a relationship with those they don't respect.

The symptoms sound like an MLC, but he's only in his 20's. My guess is that he's freaking out about being a father and effectively running away from the responsibility. WRT not being ready to be married, no one is ready to be married. Nothing makes you ready for marriage except for marriage. Same thing with being a parent, you can't be "ready for it" until you do it. What do you think? Has he had difficulty with the transition to parenthood? What kind of father has he been? How involved with your S does he continue to be?

This is super unfair to you, especially since you were so invested in your H's integrity. It may help you to speak to a DB telephone coach on this site, it really is very helpful.

If your H truly is suffering from new parent anxiety and is running away, really the only thing you can do is become a great single parent. This will make you feel good about yourself, and H won't see a big burden waiting for him if he returns because you've got it covered.

Obviously, that situation could never work long-term, but if your goal is to get H invested back in the marriage, all you can do is work on yourself and become the best YOU possible. Focus on yourself, give him space, don't pursue, and demand respect!

(Ugh, easier said than done, but that's the only approach that has a chance of working)

Be strong, you WILL get through this.

Accuray

[TMC25]

I think that is a big part of it. I think being a dad is harder than he expected. When he left he made the comment that he loves our son but that kids are hard and he dosnt want anymore. wtf? Im like who r you? Big tough cop. Running away from you wife and child because its not easy? Weak!!! Im not sure what his real reasons are. He deflicts everything. I expect he will never tell me. I just cant believe this. Nobody would have ever seen this coming. If he really is "done" and never comes back how in the h**L could i ever trust anyone again. I never thought having a child would cause a reaction like this. Im so sad. i miss my h. I miss our friendship. i miss waking up next to him. I used to wait up for him until he would get home from work. i miss the intamacy. i miss being "married" and a wife.

[TMC25]

H texting me last night saying he wants 2 swing by and see the baby on his way to work. I reply thats fine but i had plans w/ one of my friends in the afternoon so it will have to be in the morning. He says he cant b/c he is still out of town. He calls in the morning 2 come see the baby. He is pleasant. Looks so good. nicely dressed. It's hard to be around him. I was nice upbeat. Left w/ the baby after a bit to meet my gf at the gym. He saw me in my work out clothes and asked if i was going to the gym? I said yes. He's like thats gay. Whatever. Heard through the grape vine that his cop buddies are really suprised by what he is doing. They gave him a hard time about selling his bike. He replied he was doing it for his wife. That he seemed really commited. That was only a hear ago. What happened? Does anyone see any hope here. Hanging on by a thread

[TMC25]

So H told his grandma that he is being sent for 10 week training after the first of the year. Think he is getting promoted. I dont know why but it gave me a sick feeling in my belly. That was what he always wanted and i wnted it for him. much better scheule and all that. But the fact that he didnt share that with me hurt alot. Started crying today. its all so unfair.

[Accuray]

TMC25,

What you're going through is brutally hard. Just know that it will get better. You cannot convince H to come back, you cannot beg, you cannot reason with him. All you can do is become a woman that a man would be a fool to leave. You need to do that for yourself.

Your husband's comments were again abusive and inappropriate. You need to insist on respect. If H wants to come by, tell him it's OK as long as he is respectful. Tell him that if he's going to make negative comments he'll need to leave and may not be invited back. He needs to understand that you're serious. He will push back, he will make fun of you. If he does, hang up. You've got to make this guy respect you! He won't like it initially, but it will give him a sense of security about you knowing that you can't be bullied.

By being mean, he's trying to establish that he's in charge, so that he can just come back whenever he wants. That's giving him some feeling of security right now. He can be free to do what he wants, but he can also come home whenever he needs to. If he keeps you down, he can step in and build you up whenever he wants. You need to take that away from him.

You need to make him believe that you are OK without him, and that he cannot come back whenever he wants. You need to make him feel less comfortable with the situation. You need to make him wonder.

You do that by insisting upon respect, by detaching, by getting a life on your own and either really having fun, or acting like you are.

People who are confident and having fun are attractive to be around. Men like to pursue and they like a challenge. Make him work to get you back, the harder he has to work, the more he will want to be back, and the more he will appreciate it once he's returned. If he calls you and hears voices, music, and a good time going on in the back ground, that's a good thing!

Take a look at Hopeful321's story. She's in a very similar situation. She was convinced her walk away husband was gone for good -- the guy was not even calling or making any contact. Within a couple weeks of detaching, he's starting to call, text, and initiate contact. He's starting to wonder what's going on without him, he's starting to wonder why she's not pursuing -- that's what you need to do!

Good luck TMC25, know that this is very hard -- seek support from your friends. Act as if you are having a good time, and before you know it, you will actually start to do it for real.

Accuray

[Accuray]

Also, regarding the baby, that CAN be very hard on men and women the first time around. You're right, no one could have seen that coming. I had a very hard time with our first -- that's part of the reason that I'm here. I didn't run away, but between the energy I put into the baby, and the energy I had to put into work, I didn't have much left for W, and she resented me for that for years. I can understand why your H would freak out, but I certainly condemn his actions. It's never OK to leave your wife and new baby. You work on it and you figure it out.

You signed up for a partnership in marriage, and when things got tough he bailed. Make him work to make that up to you. The better to do on your own, and the harder you are to get, the more he's going to want it.

--Accuray