alcoholic H decided he wants D

[imthemom]

Well VC that was something to think about....
Why is it harder?? At this point the only contact weve had was when he wants to talk abot D. He doesnt want to talk about anything else. I wont hear fron him and start thinking there is some hope and start feeling better, only to get a twxt about D and get thrown right back into feeling hopeless...the yoyo effect is killing me. I just cant do the limbo thing anymore.
I dont really think its hesitation. He just has never done anything on his own, ive always taken care of everything and he wants me to do this for him to. There are days when i say i refuse to do this for you and days were i think i should just do it and get it over with.....
Maybe then he will realize what hes losing...i dont know.
We live about 10 min. Apart. I will use that suggestion and take S to him when i have something to do..great idea. I have a history of not thinking of myself and making things easy for him. I need to stop that!!
Thanks again for the support..

[mishka422]

We live about 10 min. Apart. I will use that suggestion and take S to him when i have something to do..great idea. I have a history of not thinking of myself and making things easy for him. I need to stop that!!

You could be my twin. I have always had the same problem but through this ordeal I've gotten better about it. It takes a lot of time and practice to stop 'taking care' of them. You're not taking care of him you know. You're enabling him. He hasn't had to stand on his own two feet. Make him.

I told my XH I wouldn't divorce me for him. He actually started the process and then withdrew the petition when he decided to come home the second time. When he left the third time he never started it again but had no intentions of coming back. I again told him I wouldn't do this for him but then went back on that after an especially ugly incident that I felt forced my hand. The difference was that I filed for myself, not to aid him.

If this is not what you want, the don't enable him in any way. That does not mean to be a doormat regarding care of your child.

What I did to make sure that I had time to myself and he didn't see his son at only his convenience (or he wouldn't have seen him at all). I made a calendar and gave it to him. I didn't ask for his input beforehand because I had tried that once before and his answer was "Let's just play it by ear." No way, Jose! Make a schedule with specific times. Everything is flexible of course, but not without cause. Of course, that works both ways so be willing to live with what you schedule.

If he balks at it, ask him what would work for him but you have the control of this by laying the groundwork for the visitation.

Make sure then that you follow through on your end with making plans for yourself on your off weekends. Be proactive in your own life! Take up a hobby, find meet up groups in your area with similar interests, be happy to be alone. It's hard, but not impossible.

I understand limbo far too well. Just don't let fear of limbo be your catalyst for doing something that you can't undo easily.

[imthemom]

well, just found out why all the sudden 2 months ago H decided he wanted divorce out of no where.....
just left our old house were I caught him with another woman in our bed.....
I am in complete shock and cant even believe that just happened...He was supose to have our son this weekend and said he had to work......
I am in shock

[mishka422]

OMG! Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I had a bad feeling that was the case but hearing it from someone outside your situation usually just causes more angst and doubt than anything else.

Now, more than ever, you need to step back and go dark on him. Completely dark. Send him an email calendar of the dates he will have your son, do not ask his opinion of it, ask nothing of him. He will either step up and be a man and a father or he won't. This is all you can do right now.

Also, I don't recall if you have consulted a L yet or not. If not, DO IT NOW. Now that the cat is out of the bag he may make a move quickly and you don't want to be caught unaware and unprepared.

[verycrazy]

What an a&&! I guess that explains his one track mind lately. I really hate it for you. Yeah, I agree, go dark on him. I guess since the 'surprise' of your being served is not there , you can be a jump ahead of him, and be ready with your own L when he contacts you.

What happened when you walked in on him? Did they have the decency to at least cover their faces? I have a few choice terms to use right now, but they censor us on Sundays, too.

So sorry for you girl.
vc

[seeking answers]

I haven't posted to you even though I've followed your sitch.

I'm so sorry that you found out the way you did.

I agree with the ladies. Lawyer up to protect yourself and your S. Doesn't mean you have to file, unless you want to, but get your financials secured.

(((Hugs)))

[verycrazy]

Oops, sorry, I realize he has NOT filed, but just be prepared.
Just know that you can overcome even this.

[imthemom]

he kept me from walking in on them, wouldnt let me past the door but her purse and jacket etc. was on the couch and her car right in the driveway...in my spot.
He had a huge smirk on his face and when I tried to walk in he laughed and said your not going in there. I said well this explains everything and walked away, he said no it doesnt but I just kept walking....
I did not have a lawyer but had consulted one a month ago, will be retaining her tomorrow. even though this was to be his weekend and he was to busy "working" to have his son, he actually just showed up over here to pick him up and take him shopping, without calling me or letting me know. am I crazy for thinking he should have just left me alone at least for today...i just caught him in our bed 6 hrs ago with some slut and he just shows up here and send my mail in like nothing happened...i just want to throw up...
the utter disregard for my feelings....he sent me a text about 2 hrs ago saying Im sorry you had to find out that way ive been wanting to tell you but couldnt....needless to say i did not respond.

[mishka422]

No response needed. He doesn't deserve any acknowledgment. Trust me, any amount of anger you show him will only feed the affair anyway. I screamed, yelled, called her every name in the book and that only served to push him further into her arms.

Be good to yourself. You are going to need it right now.

[imthemom]

tomorrow i have a truck to go and get the rest of my stuff out of the house with a few of my friends...I had planned on taking the bed, and he knew that...i picked it out and love it, it cost a lot of money and i still want it, just not the mattresses....umm obviousley... but they are temperpedic mattresses that cost quite a bit, i want to leave them on the floor and pour what ever i can find in the house on them, yes that is childish and immature...so i prob wont do it, but i want to.
I think the shock is wearing off tonight, feel sick every time i think about it, and cant stop crying. now that i know its really over it is hitting pretty hard. and the fact that he has abandoned us for someone else is so painfull. I had hopes that we would get threw this until i saw that purse on my couch....obviousely this is a relationship that is important to him, more important then us...