W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

No I haven't discussed this with a L yet. W isn't really talking D and when I talked about that with her she said she would not file without talking with me first. I believe her but since you and others are advising me to do so, I will.

There do seem to be positives happening but as recently as Tuesday W was still talking seperation. So I don't know what to make of it. I'm not looking to change anything to derail my progress but I don't know how to solve the living arrangement sitch without flat out refusing to move which I think will corner her and she may move out instead and with her parents coming soon, it could make things very problematic.

I'm not planning to go dark but if we seperate, isn't that kind of going dark? It will certainly be heavy detachment, don't you think?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm a L so I don't believe in leaving the home unless there's a plan AND ONLY IF the law in that state does not equate it with abandonment.

It probably does not, but it might be so CHECK...no brainer here. Just check it out.

But imo, the separation has to at least have a stated purpose; which is a "time out" or "cooling off" period, rather than a step towards the inevitable divorce.

Your wife can feel internally different all she wants. But what you tell the kids matters AND

gives you time to BE YOUR NEW SELF...with time at least she'll see that it's real.

Be the man she fell in love with.

[2thepoint]

25 - Thanks for the post. That's my goal-being the man my wife fell in love with!!

[Rick1963]

2The this is hard stuff isn't? Looking at ourselves so deeply in such a short time can be painful. I don't know what happened to the man my W fell in love with? I was very different than. Did not take things so seriously even when I was so broke that I did not have enough cash to eat. I made do with what I had and had a blast. My problem is that I became dependent on my W, financially. She has always made more money than I. Never bothered me. But since my stich I worry about how I will live. Even though I work and have the choice of making more. I just have to remember that. That I have options and recourses. Easy to forget our strentghs after being with someone for so long. Do you remember who that man she fell in love with looks like? Hang in there

[2thepoint]

Do you remember who that man she fell in love with looks like?

That's a good question. After so many years it is hard to remember what I was like. Certainly more optimistic, more loveable and kind hearted. Less stressed... Less down in the dumps? I think my W would say I was less judgmental and certainly less controlling. We loved doing things together, joke about the silly things in life (hey want to go get smelly at the local Mexican restaurant?). Good times!

Then you get hijacked by life and all the things that weren't present in your day to day interactions start to surface and things get complicated. You reflect on past decisions. Were they the right ones? Did you or your spouse sacrifice their hopes and desires, (I know my W certainly did as she followed me 1/2 way across the country, twice! in pursuit of MY American Dream).

So as I think about the man I was vs the man I am, it becomes evident that some things need adjustment. Deep down I think I'm still the kind hearted, fun loving man I was 20 years ago. But like a boat that has been sitting idle in the water, I've got some barnicles that need to be removed in order to make me seaworthy again.

So the selfish and controlling person that I've become has to be replaced by a more loving and caring husband. I need to ask more questions instead of making demands. I need to be more thoughtful and less judgmental.

If my W ever decides to R I will have made all these changes and more. This is my focus, this is my goal. This is my life and I intend to win it back!

[BklynMom]

I am new to this and in general am against moving out for the usual reasons kids etc. However I do think physical seperation can speed up your wifes crisis. I do think it makes the realities of her wants real. She will need to face the consquences which there are many financial & in dealing with the kids. I do think you also score some points that you are listening and hearing her. I just reread Bustaromas posts and R only happened after the wife truly believed it was over. I really believe in most cases the WAS has to think you are not trying to win them back. Since your kids will be with your W most of the time you will have the advantage of being able to GAL like crazy and your WAS will have it harder at home being a single mom. its a tough call. good luck

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the post, BM. I tend to agree with your points. I just need to handle with care so as not to drive her away permanently!

A couple of comments and some interesting interactions today...

First, as planned I went on my morning mountain bike ride with a few buddies and had a good time. Before I left though I slipped a couple of Benjamins into my W's wallet since she was out of cash. Since she was sleeping, I sent her a text to let her know what I had done so she wouldn't feel pressed to stop by the ATM before taking S9 to his soccer game. She replied "TY!" so nothing unusual there. I hope she thought my gesture was thoughtful. Who knows....

After my ride I took S13 to a music tryout that generally lasts several hours. I sent a text to W asking if she was planning to join us after the soccer game, (she usually does for this type of activity). She said maybe. A little while later she texts back if I want her pick up lunch. Heck yea, I say and tell her to surprise me, so no pressure. She arrives with lunch in hand and we hang for a few hours while S13 is wrapping up his tryout.

Later in the day I tell W that I was thinking of taking the boys to see Moneyball and if she would like to join us. She readily agrees (Hmmmm!). We go to the theater only to discover that the movie is playing on 1 screen only in an 18+ restricted part of the theater so there go those plans. W suggests we buy a movie and watch at home. I say, lets get some movie popcorn and take it with us. She liked that idea so we bought $14 worth of movie popcorn (the best kind!) and took it home.

Oh wait! I forgot a key part of this story.... big 180 for me! I load the boys into the car and start the motor and jump into the passenger side of the car. W comes out and as is her habit, walks over to the passenger side to get in and is surprised that I'm sitting in her seat. So she goes over the the drivers side and says "now that's a change!" I smile and say nothing. I hope she recognizes that I made a conscious decision to release control. Who knows....

So we get home and there is nothing worth watching on TV except the original version of Nightmare on Elm Street (one of my favorite horror flicks). S13 has been dying to see it but S9 isn't so sure and W doesn't like the idea (probably afraid S9 will have nightmares). The old me would have watched the movie anyway. Not tonight though! Did she notice? Who knows...

So there you have it. My day in a nutshell. Working real hard on the control behavior and am praying W notices.

Oh, one last thing. W said she was heading to bed and said "goodnight" for the first time in weeks!

[2thepoint]

I woke up this morning and decided to attend a church service, hoping that a spiritual awakening would do me some good. I am generally not a religious person although when I was a kid, I was. I attended the church that sponsors the DivorceCare program that I went to last week.

As I was getting ready, I saw my W in the kitchen and told her that I was going out for a bit. She said ok. Later after I was fully dressed, W said, you look really nice! Where are you going? I told her I was going to church. She looked a little stunned and then asked what church, (probably concerned about me running into people we know if I went to one that was in our immediate area). I told her and said I would be back in a couple of hours.

I had forgotten all of the symbolism present in a church service so it felt a little strange at first but you go with the flow and it all starts to make sense. During the service I felt my emotions starting to well up again just like when I attended the DivorceCare session at the same location. Fortunately I held it together and enjoyed the service. It is really comforting to know that there are people who will pray and comfort you in your time of dire need, (just like the fine folks on this board!).

So when I got home, W was in the kitchen and asked me how the service was and where the church was located. She seemed to be genuinely interested so I told her all about the church, the pastor, the people, etc. I said that she was welcome to join me if she was interested. She nodded in agreement, then went to her room upstairs and closed the door, (usually closes the door when she wants total privacy).

Am I starting to reach my W? Only God knows I suppose.

[2thepoint]

W knocks on bedroom door and says, "alright if I go out and run a few errands?". "Of course", I respond.

Now why would she feel compelled to ask permission? Is this some sort of reaction to my long time controlling behavior? Or, is she being considerate since she will be leaving the kids with me? Or, is it something else?

Or, shut the heck up 2thepoint and quit trying to read something into every interaction! Boy, the mind sure does like to play tricks on us mere mortals!

[workinghardguy]

Glad you found some comfort in church. It's the first place I turned to when my sitch blew up. Partially because of the community support and partially because in order to get a GAL I need to find people that share my world perspective... and church is a great place to do that.

I wouldn't have invited her along though, just observing. Too much, too soon. She showed interest in the service so sharing what went on was good. Though even there, don't be overeager and over-the-top. Just little snippets... if she wants more, make her engage or make her wonder.

The inviting is pursuing. Don't pursue. If she ever wants to go along, she'll invite herself, you don't need to do it.