Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[dbmod]

^

[JustStunned]

Witz10, have you read DR?

What are your W’s principal objections about staying in the M? What in that list can you consistently 180?

It is unlikely you will fix this with a few pleasant conversations about work and a bday gift. It is likely these will be perceived as tactics. How do you think these will be perceived?

I am not familiar enough with your sitch to explain myself directly using what you have posted, so please let me use an example.

If you have not been emotionally available to her in the past and have now decided to change that (180) she will likely need to see that change consistently over a long period of time. It will need to be a real change, not something tried to Band-Aid the R. It is likely she will perceive it as a Band-Aid (tactic) at first even if it is real. That is why you need to be consistent and patient while waiting for even the smallest positive.

[JustStunned]

Witz10, Try and stick to one thread. It makes it easier for us to find and follow.

I copied this from your other thread.

This is one week out that my wife has told me that she did not want to be married. Now I am still not a 100% sure what she means exactly. She has not mentioned anything to me about the D word or attorneys. I just think it was a tactic of hers to get more space away. I don't contact her unless she reaches out to me first. With a few exceptions where I text her to tell her something I forgot when I would leave at night. Now tonight she told me she heard my son who is 6 tell my daughter who is 3 that my brother in law did come home to my sister and that I will too.
My wife said we should watch what we say around the kids. I never said this my sister told my son this when she was talking with him about not listening to me and getting me upset I walked out of a dinner.
We spoke about refinancing our condo. Which also confuse me cause we both pay for it and still have a joint bank account.
I still want to work things out my wife not so much. How long do I wait before feeling like a smacked ass?
Next problem is when I put the kids to bed and they ask me to rub there arms or back it reminds me of my wife and I start feeling upset and sad and think why. If I had done this more would I be in this situation? Why instead of watching tv at night , why didn't I go to bed with my wife.
People tell me don't beat yourself up about this. Well then why can I picture in my mind all the times I screwed up romantically that if I didn't would I be here.

I registered in January 2011 and I am still a newbie. This is a marathon not a sprint. There are no quick fixes. There is work to be done and effort to be expended. Strap in for the long haul.

The emotions you are feeling are normal. There will be more. If my experience is any indication there will be some very intense ones.

I gather from your posts you and your W have separated? Specifically why? What reasons has she stated? For how long?

[sandi2]

My W is stressing out because of us and her work. She is a psychologist at a university clinic and part time private practice. Do I ask her how her day was and see if she wants to talk when she comes home tonight.

#15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

[adinva]

Great advice and most days I agree. But how do you get past the anger from rejection.

For me, it's a question of whether it's going to get me closer to my goal. Is feeling angry going to help you? Will you look attractive, feel strong, get the response you want? Then Dont. Do. It. Just stop.

On the other hand, is your anger going to motivate you to change? work out? prove something to yourself? Let it motivate you.

Just don't do anything that moves you farther from your goal.

[witz10]

We are now separated for 6 months. At first it was to let her see the changes that I was making. She was too angry at me all the time. She stated that we would have to start slow and go on dates before anything would change back. Well we have never gone on any dates. She told me she fell out of love with me. She was angry with me for not changing jobs and my families business always comes back and bites us in the butt. I never put her and the kids first. I always lumped them in with my family one big family. Boy was I wrong. Lastly her and my brother argued about my brother in law needing to go to a therapist. I didn't get involved or protect her/back her up in front of her. I did it the next day in the office when he made a comment about it. So because I didn't fight for her would be another reason.


Yesterday was my sons 6th birthday and we took him and my daughter to dinner and bowling. A nice family esque night. Till kids went to bed. I can tell she is frustrated with me and I asked her last night. She told me she is uncomfortable when I am around. We started this whole conversation about the holidays and how we are doing them this year. Well She is letting me have the kids wednesday night before thanksgiving and thanksgiving day into Friday. Then it is her weekend.
I made a comment to her that I didn't understand why she was getting frustrated with me. Every time I see her or I am at our condo I am uncomfortable. She told me she is not comfortable with me around. I guess I bring up the anger she has for me.
A friend of mine his wife told him that just once she would like for me to yell at her and argue. I don't normally do this. Also my therapist and the books I have read say to keep your cool. Well what the heck should I do?
She says there is no more us. She is upset with me financially and asked if I could take over my debt from our joint account. Which would mean split my money up. So how much does she need from me for the kids? Which I will do cause they are mine and I love them. I am not a dead beat dad.
Another reason she is not happy with me is I work for my families mortgage company and she has wanted me to find other work. Which I have been doing since moving out. I have sent so many resumes out and not one bite. I am trying she doesn't believe me at all. The only way for her to believe me is if I came and picked up my kids in a uniform for work or jacket from a new job.
My goal is to find a new job and pay off bills. Then maybe she will feel comfortable with me. And yes this is for me. I need to get out of the family I am starting to not like my brother and sister. More of resent them cause its partially there fault I am this way financially.

We have my sons birthday party this saturday with a lot of people so she has to be nice and maybe talk with me. I don't know. My other goal is get this new job and maybe in 6 months which would be one year separated she and I can start slow.

[witz10]

So I did what everyone has been telling me to do, I consulted with an attorney and don't like any of it. My W is consulting with one next week who also happens to be a mediator and psychologist.

I was emailing my W to tell her what I spoke to the attorney about. She answered back and told me when she was going and how we would need to split up our bills. I started to answer back with what bills were mine as well as what we need to split up. Then I receive a text from her by accident. Telling a friedn that I am bothering her and trying to come up with this list over email. LOL. I responded back Sorry to bother you with this. She was the one who wants this not me. Why then do I feel like an ass and that I pissed her off and took another 10 steps back and to the left in our whatever we are.
I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.
I am giving her space and she is upset with me cause she wants to talk without the kids. I told her I was available anytime to talk. Our schedules are full though. D gymnastics monday night she works tues and thurs nights and does not want to talk when she comes in. then weekends either she has the kids or I do. So now what?
What are my options to get this moving in the right direction?
We had my sons birthday party this past weekend and I spoke with her parents and they are trying to figure out why she is doing this. She is running more dyed her hair blonde feeling good about herself. When it somes down to it all I want to do is be able to have a good conversation with her like we did in the past.

[witz10]

My W changed her profile pic on facebook today. She looks really nice. Also liked something my cousin posted on facebook "Your journey has molded you for your greater good and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to now. And now is right on time." Then it also has another line "Everything happens for a reason in life. Even when things seem to be falling apart around you, it could just be the very foundation for you to start from and build yourself up...

Now I am taking this with everything that is going on right now and NOT having a good feeling for my marriage. I think it is dying slowly and there is no way back now. Which [censored] cause I love her and she won't ever find anyone else that will treat her like I would. Many people that know us have said this to me.
I am not sure what to do anymore at all to fix anything

[MrBond]

Is there an OM? sure sounds like it.

In any case, you have to accept the fact that she will be mad no matter what you do until you start standing up for yourself.

[witz10]

She told me she had a crush on someone that she has been drinking with over the summer. My therapist says I have a right to know and should ask. But I don't want to think of her with anyone else.