If our old familiar ways of managing anger are not working for us, chances are that we fall into one or both of the following categories: In the “nice lady” category, we attempt to avoid anger and conflict at all costs. In the “bitch” category, we get angry with ease, but we participate in ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming that leads to no constructive resolution.
These two styles of managing anger may appear to be as different as night and day. In reality, they both serve equally well to protect others, to blur our clarity of self, and to ensure that change does not occur.
The “Nice Lady” Syndrome
If we are “nice ladies,” how do we behave? In situations that might realistically evoke anger or protest, we stay silent –or become tearful, self-critical or “hurt.” If we do feel angry, we keep it to ourselves in order to avoid the possibility of open conflict. But it is not just our anger that we keep to ourselves; in addition we may avoid making clear statements about what we think and feel, when we suspect that such clarity would make another person uncomfortable and expose differences between us.
When we behave in this way, our primary energy is directed toward protecting another person and preserving the harmony of our relationships at the expense of defining a clear self. Over time we may lose our clarity of self, because we are putting so much effort into “reading” other people’s reactions and ensuring that we don’t rock the boat, we may become less and less of an expert about our own thoughts, feelings and wants.
The more we are “nice” in these ways, the more we accumulate a storehouse of unconscious anger and rage. Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self. Of course, we are forbidden from experiencing this anger directly because “nice ladies,” by definition, are not “angry women.”
Thus begins a self-defeating and self-perpetuating cycle. The more we give in and go along, the more our anger builds. The more we intensify our repressive efforts, the more we unconsciously fear a volcanic eruption should we begin to let our anger out. So, the more desperately we repress… and so it goes. When we finally do “blow,” we may then confirm our own worst fears that our anger is indeed “irrational” and “destructive.” And other people may write us off as neurotic, while the real issues go unaddressed, and the cycle begins again.
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The “Bitchy” Woman
Those of us who are “bitches” are not shy about getting angry and stating our differences. However, in a society that does not particularly value angry women, this outs us in danger of earning one or another of those labels that serve as a warning to silence us when we threaten others
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But this is only part of the story. The negative words and images that depict women who do speak out are more than just cruel sexist stereotypes; they also hint at a painful reality. Words like “nagging,” “complaining,” and “bitching” are words of helplessness and powerlessness, which do not imply even the possibility of change. They are words that reflect the “stuck” position that characterizes our lives when a great deal of emotion is flying around and nothing is really changing.
When we vent our anger ineffectively, we can easily get locked into a self-perpetuating, downward cycle of behavior. We do have something to be angry about, but our complains are not clearly voiced and we may elicit other people’s disapproval instead of their sympathy. This only increases our sense of bitterness and injustice; yet, all the while, the real issues go unidentified.
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When we voice our anger ineffectively, however –without clarity, direction, and control- it may, in the end, be reassuring to others. We allow ourselves to be written off and we provide others with an excuse not to take us seriously and hear what we are saying. In fact, we even help others to stay calm. Have you ever watched another person get cooler, calmer, and more intellectual as you become more infuriated and “hysterical”? Here the nature of our fighting or angry accusations may actually allow the other person to get off the hook.
Those of us who fight ineffectually are usually caught up in unsuccessful efforts to change a person who does not want to change. When our attempts to change the other person’s beliefs, feelings, reactions, or behaviors do not work, we may then continue to do more of the same, reacting in predictable, patterned ways that only escalate the very problems we complain about. We may be so driven by emotionality that we do not reflect on our options for behaving differently or even believe that new options are possible. Thus, our fighting protects the old familiar patterns in our relationships as surely as does the silence of “nice ladies.”
Any of this sounds familiar? Anyone has any t-shirts to show for it?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
