I'm new to these boards and I'm desperate. My wife dropped the D bomb 2 weeks ago. It's a very long story and I'm sure I'll be wanting to talk a lot more about it in the upcoming weeks, but I need some quick advice.
Long story short - We've been married 23 years and together 27. After many years of physical neglect I had an affair that lasted 3 years. I confessed to my wife 5 years ago, but took my sweet time actually ending the affair (over a year). In the last 4 years my wife has made a total lifestyle change and lost a lot of weight and now goes to the gym 4 days a week. She's gained a ton of self-confidence. Over the last few years I've started to realize how much she means to me, and how stupid I was.
I thought things were improving. Sex was great. We seemed closer. Then about 2 years ago she started to change. She pulled away emotionally. We stopped having sex a year and a half ago.
Now she has dropped the D bomb and says that she doesn't love or respect me anymore. She says there is no one else and I believe her. We still get along quite well and are friendly with each other, and she wants to get a collaborative divorce. I have told her repeatedly that I want to keep our marriage and family (kids 16 & 11) together.
She has totally been sucked into the Divorce Trap. She thinks everything will be just swell if we split our family up. I started reading The Divorce Recovery the other day and understand I need to start the "last resort" method.
My question is, how to I work on my 180 at the same time she keeps wanting to talk to me about moving forward with the collaborative divorce? What do I say to her when she keeps trying to push me to agree on a divorce?
After you had your A, did you go to C to work things out with your W?
To be honest, with you sounding as if the A was no big deal, it displays a kind of arrogance.
"She has totally been sucked into the Divorce Trap. She thinks everything will be just swell if we split our family up."
Uhhh didn't you have the long term A? Don't you think that was done to split your family up? Just because you're cool with it now, doesn't mean that she is. I don't care if your W says that she's fine with what happened before. Women don't forget things like that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
After many years of physical neglect I had an affair that lasted 3 years.
There is your first problem blaming your W for YOUR AFFAIR.
Originally Posted By: UW92
In the last 4 years my wife has made a total lifestyle change and lost a lot of weight and now goes to the gym 4 days a week. She's gained a ton of self-confidence.
Good for her.
Originally Posted By: UW92
Over the last few years I've started to realize how much she means to me, and how stupid I was.
Why did it take you so long?
Originally Posted By: UW92
Now she has dropped the D bomb and says that she doesn't love or respect me anymore. She says there is no one else and I believe her. We still get along quite well and are friendly with each other, and she wants to get a collaborative divorce. I have told her repeatedly that I want to keep our marriage and family (kids 16 & 11) together.
She married a man who had an LTA and still blames his W for it.
Originally Posted By: UW92
She has totally been sucked into the Divorce Trap. She thinks everything will be just swell if we split our family up. I started reading The Divorce Recovery the other day and understand I need to start the "last resort" method.
She has every right to D you.
Originally Posted By: UW92
My question is, how to I work on my 180 at the same time she keeps wanting to talk to me about moving forward with the collaborative divorce? What do I say to her when she keeps trying to push me to agree on a divorce? Please help.
You had an A, you need to own that. One of the consequences of having an A is that your BS might D you.
IMO I don't know if there is a whole bunch you can do at this stage. Your W has probably left the M for quite some time.
This might be a case where you end up D and reconcile later after she starts to see some serious changes in you.
Your M slipped back into the pre A state b/c you two never properly addressed the conditions that led to the A and you took your sweet time in ending didn't help matters.
Not too many M recover from a LTA
Pick up the books, find a good IC and start to work on yourself.
Me:29 WW:26 No kids 2 dogs T: 11 M: 2 D-day 1: 08/2010 D-day 2: 05/2011 1 POSOM Separated: 06/2011 WW ILY commits to M 9/18 Files D 9/19 ILY Still 9/21 WW are fun
We went to counseling for close to a year after the A. At first it my W who wanted to go. I was reluctant at first, but looking back I know it was the right thing to do.
We stopped going to counseling for awhile, then started up last year again. This time I was the eager one. She not so much. We stopped this time because our new work schedules made it virtually impossible.
I'm owning up to my responsibility in all this. I screwed up big-time.
I know we may not recover. What I want to know for "right now" is how do I work on my 180/Last Resort Method when she wants to TALK, and what she wants to talk about is proceeding toward divorce?
You're not going to get a lot of sympathy for your situation due to your actions, I'm afraid; most of us are here as a result of our spouses having emotional or physical extramarital affairs, and that is something that is not taken lightly. My soon-to-be-ex-wife (STBXW) and I started our marriage as a result of our own affairs in our first marriages; something we have regretted to this day, and something that played a very large role in the impending death of our marriage.
Your wife has no respect for you and does not trust you; probably never will. That is the death knell for most marriages. All you can do is work on your own issues for yourself, and don't even think about possible reconciliation. If that would happen, that is a big bonus.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
My question is, how to I work on my 180 at the same time she keeps wanting to talk to me about moving forward with the collaborative divorce? What do I say to her when she keeps trying to push me to agree on a divorce?
"Wife, I do not agree with your decision to end this M but I respect your wishes. I have been thinking about this and the way our M stands, it isn't working for me either. Since you seem to have made up your mind, you should be the one who will file for D. You are free to choose."
Then get busy with your 180's.
Don't fight feelings with feelings.
She has no respect for you right now, so give her what she wants. Validate her feelings and show that you respect her wishes even though you do not agree with them.
Work on yourself and understand how you got to the sitch you find yourself in today.
She will be watching you. Talk is cheap, actions matter.
