hmmmm...let's see...at the very begining of our seperation h and I went to c together...that c (who we only went to twice) called me a porcupine (and I'm sure after reading some of my posts many of you may agree) I know what he meant and I understand the reasons for it and explained.
my explenation???
letting things bother me and showing that I'm hurt by crying or being sad never worked...(yes LL was once a very sweet sensitive little girl who people liked to make cry cause it was easy) so I instead got angry cause that sure as hell felt alot better than being sad.
thing is I find myself rather apathetic at most times now...don't want to be angry...don't want to be sad...where's the friggen middle ground?
just wanted to add my o2 now I'll listen to what you fine ladies think about the whole anger thang.
If our old familiar ways of managing anger are not working for us, chances are that we fall into one or both of the following categories: In the “nice lady” category, we attempt to avoid anger and conflict at all costs. In the “bitch” category, we get angry with ease, but we participate in ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming that leads to no constructive resolution.
These two styles of managing anger may appear to be as different as night and day. In reality, they both serve equally well to protect others, to blur our clarity of self, and to ensure that change does not occur.
The “Nice Lady” Syndrome
If we are “nice ladies,” how do we behave? In situations that might realistically evoke anger or protest, we stay silent –or become tearful, self-critical or “hurt.” If we do feel angry, we keep it to ourselves in order to avoid the possibility of open conflict. But it is not just our anger that we keep to ourselves; in addition we may avoid making clear statements about what we think and feel, when we suspect that such clarity would make another person uncomfortable and expose differences between us.
When we behave in this way, our primary energy is directed toward protecting another person and preserving the harmony of our relationships at the expense of defining a clear self. Over time we may lose our clarity of self, because we are putting so much effort into “reading” other people’s reactions and ensuring that we don’t rock the boat, we may become less and less of an expert about our own thoughts, feelings and wants.
The more we are “nice” in these ways, the more we accumulate a storehouse of unconscious anger and rage. Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self. Of course, we are forbidden from experiencing this anger directly because “nice ladies,” by definition, are not “angry women.”
Thus begins a self-defeating and self-perpetuating cycle. The more we give in and go along, the more our anger builds. The more we intensify our repressive efforts, the more we unconsciously fear a volcanic eruption should we begin to let our anger out. So, the more desperately we repress… and so it goes. When we finally do “blow,” we may then confirm our own worst fears that our anger is indeed “irrational” and “destructive.” And other people may write us off as neurotic, while the real issues go unaddressed, and the cycle begins again.
<huge snip>
The “Bitchy” Woman
Those of us who are “bitches” are not shy about getting angry and stating our differences. However, in a society that does not particularly value angry women, this outs us in danger of earning one or another of those labels that serve as a warning to silence us when we threaten others
<snip>
But this is only part of the story. The negative words and images that depict women who do speak out are more than just cruel sexist stereotypes; they also hint at a painful reality. Words like “nagging,” “complaining,” and “bitching” are words of helplessness and powerlessness, which do not imply even the possibility of change. They are words that reflect the “stuck” position that characterizes our lives when a great deal of emotion is flying around and nothing is really changing.
When we vent our anger ineffectively, we can easily get locked into a self-perpetuating, downward cycle of behavior. We do have something to be angry about, but our complains are not clearly voiced and we may elicit other people’s disapproval instead of their sympathy. This only increases our sense of bitterness and injustice; yet, all the while, the real issues go unidentified.
<snip>
When we voice our anger ineffectively, however –without clarity, direction, and control- it may, in the end, be reassuring to others. We allow ourselves to be written off and we provide others with an excuse not to take us seriously and hear what we are saying. In fact, we even help others to stay calm. Have you ever watched another person get cooler, calmer, and more intellectual as you become more infuriated and “hysterical”? Here the nature of our fighting or angry accusations may actually allow the other person to get off the hook.
Those of us who fight ineffectually are usually caught up in unsuccessful efforts to change a person who does not want to change. When our attempts to change the other person’s beliefs, feelings, reactions, or behaviors do not work, we may then continue to do more of the same, reacting in predictable, patterned ways that only escalate the very problems we complain about. We may be so driven by emotionality that we do not reflect on our options for behaving differently or even believe that new options are possible. Thus, our fighting protects the old familiar patterns in our relationships as surely as does the silence of “nice ladies.”
Any of this sounds familiar? Anyone has any t-shirts to show for it?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
let's see I do own a t-shirt that says "I've got Issues" but somewhere imbeded in my wardrobe are also the shirts that say "nice lady" and "bitch"
asked a friend that I've had since kidnergarten to describe me...
what was I like in elementary school I aksed...
a sweet nice girl, he answered
what was I like in jr and high school....
a biatch was his reply...
the biatch was the shell...the don't mess with me..the I don't care what you all think and you can't hurt me...thing is it didn't work cause I did care and do care..and it does get bottled up..I do bite my tounge and therefore I do snap...I often feel violated and disrespected by others and despite how often I try to rationally asked to be respected they don't seem to hear it till I snap and then I get the huff well she's just a bitch isn't she. but of course then the more you know me the more you realize I'm not a bitch at all.
Quote: When we voice our anger ineffectively, however –without clarity, direction, and control- it may, in the end, be reassuring to others. We allow ourselves to be written off and we provide others with an excuse not to take us seriously and hear what we are saying. In fact, we even help others to stay calm. Have you ever watched another person get cooler, calmer, and more intellectual as you become more infuriated and “hysterical”? Here the nature of our fighting or angry accusations may actually allow the other person to get off the hook.
I can attest to that. I stopped letting my H "off the hook" after my last meltdown this past summer. I still get plenty angry, but I do my best to take it out of range of my H. I keeping finding that whenever I don't react to my H while he is in his 'pissant' suit, he tends to work harder at curbing his own undesirable behaviors.
There's also an additional benefit. When I do finally show some claws, he's more likely to pay attention and take me seriously.
So far, this seems to be working for me. So far....
I certainly fit into the "nice Lady" category.(sigh) My H cannot stand conflict and I avoid it altogether, but amazingly enough, I don't feel much anger. I'm by nature just not an angry person.
If you read back on all my threads and see what my life was growing up, I should have tons of anger. I wonder where it all is?
Until my H comes totally out of his fog, I cannot cause conflict by telling him when I think he is out of line. He immediately gets defensive and we get nowhere real fast.
Thing is, he never thinks he's wrong! He takes responsibility for the A and knows it was wrong, but I know he justifies it even as he says there is no justification telling me that I don't understand what led him to it.
I refuse to take responsibility fro him having his A. His choice, his mistake.
I've made the changes that bothered him so much, and he is still not home. It goes deeper than what he tells me because he does not understand himself.
Just wanted to let you know that I just finished reading excerpts from this thread to my H. We had a very interesting discussion about "state or mood dependent memory" and "recursive trance".
I didn't tell him exactly what kind of forum this is, but I did mention that I spend time here discussing these sort of things on a regular basis.
The exciting thing for me is that I have finally been able to share some of the wisdom from my wonderful friends on the bb with my H, for the first time.
I'll go into a bit more detail about thoughts he and I shared regarding the topic at hand at another time. Gotta run.
