I had a rough night last night. Wasn't able to sleep and spent much of the night looking at posts on here. I thought I was doing better with the detachment, but maybe the disappointment of not seeing her Friday brought me down. The positive things she says and the financial situation she must be in, suggest it may only be a matter of time, but then the demon on my shoulder keeps arguing the point. The financial situation is what I find hardest to understand. Just on a quick calculation, without spending money on non essentials, she needs £578 a month on top of her wages, just to break even, so around £1280 a month. When she was home, because of credit card and loan payments, she was hard pressed to give me £300 a month after those were dealt with. My head is telling me that she is being subsidised by this so called friend, so he has a mistress away from home. I have some grounds for this because he has had one in his home town for a number of years. Really tears me apart to think it and I try not to.
I had almost decided to write her a "Dear Jane" and tell her all the things that she has ACTUALLY done to damage the relationship, which I have forgiven without question. The letter would be a final ultimatum of come home or leave me alone, but we all know what happens when you issue ultimatums.
I could do this, but after 8 weeks, is that really too soon? I think I know that I couldn't cope with the consequences of driving her away completely. I got out of bed and put my wedding ring back on last night. It helps sometimes just to spin it on my finger and remember why I married her. Christmas coming is going to be difficult, but I draw strength from some of the stories on here about people who have been through years of this and still standing by their committment to the marriage.
I know she will not be in touch today. Maybe I will get a text tomorrow and maybe she will drop by on Wednesday. As many of you are saying, each minute feels like a month and each day, a year.
