GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

AJ I think it's a test too.

The hugely ironic thing is that this weekend was the online Buddhist retreat that I elected to join. I'm not a religious person at all, but there are so many Buddhist teachings that completely reinforce the DBing that I've learned here, that I'm very interested in what this "path" for living one's life has to teach me.

Well first of all, the retreat has been about cultivating PATIENCE. Yeah. In light of my issues prior to the cat issue, clearly I need to develop patience. And the second thing it has been about is this Hopi Indian prophecy that reads that we must let go of the shore and flow down the middle of the river...that the shore is probably misery and pain but it's FAMILIAR, and we must let go of that and ride down this river, not knowing what's coming, that that's the path of the "warrior."

Well, the path of the past is to involve XH in anything that pains me. SURE I've handled pain on my own a long time now and not involved him. But this...this isn't a house issue or a work issue or a personal issue. This is an issue where I would be able to "get away" with contacting XH...as in, no one would probably find it odd for me to email and say "hey, a cat that you loved needs to be let go. Can you help?" or "would you send me loving thoughts for what I have to go through?"

I just talked to a friend who was estranged from her XH, and when she needed animals euthanized, she contacted him, and he did it, FOR HER.

And I do think that I have to be a "warrior" about this. I feel like I have got to face this without him. And furthermore, I've got to NOT TELL HIM about it.

I keep asking myself what purpose it would serve to tell him. And all I come back to is this: "you want to involve him in your pain...you want him to feel guilty for leaving and for making you face this alone."

And if I am truly trying to live up to what I'm learning, between this board and the Buddhist teachings, which are SO interconnected in so many ways (as are other religious teachings I'm sure), then I have got to face this without him, before and after.

I know I've already made my decision. I think the only reason I'm posting all this is for other people to tell them this:

If you are faced with a time that you have a choice to make, to involve your XH or XW in something in your life, please ask yourself WHY you want to involve them.

If the only reason you can come up with is that you want them, on some level, to "feel your pain", then fight that instinct.

Feel your own pain. It doesn't serve the world to put your pain on anyone else. Even if they "deserve" it.

It's the path of the warrior. And it hurts like hell. But it's life and you're living it, fully, and you're not running from it.

Thanks for indulging my quasi-spiritual rant :-)