Thanks so much everyone... it helps to hear other perspectives on it. He does seem to have noticed the change in me, especially since I have not said/done anything to point those things out- it has all come from him. In a weird way, I guess that means I'm doing something right for him to have noticed.
We ended up having quite the conversation today. I called him about some logistics regarding D, and he brought up some issues he has had with me. TBH, some of these things are definitely valid. There were many things I did that I thought were insignificant to me at the time, but were big deals to him. I disregarded his feelings, and I have to own that. I listened, validated, and genuinely apologized for them.
It does frustrate me that he still acts as though I am the only one with any fault in this, but I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize.
There was no talk of a R, but we also didn't talk about a D, either. He did say he hated that it always had to get to 'this point' for any changes to happen. I told him the difference for me this time, anyway, was that I realized that the changes need to be made in order for me to become a better person. If it saves my marriage, great! But I have to make the changes regardless.
I feel like it was a productive conversation, even if things are essentially the same.
On a brighter note, my pastor called me today out of the blue just to check on me. Friends, new and old, have come out of the wood work to offer support. It feels good to have so many people pulling for me, people I didn't even know were there for me. No matter what happens, this has been such a learning experience. I have learned to ask for help, which is something I have always struggled with.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you have all been a blessing to me!
